


Of broken time-turners and broken men

by BrittaR (Taaya)



Series: The healing of broken men [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Kinda, Making This Up As I Go, Reader Insert, St Mungo's Hospital, Time Turner (Harry Potter), mentions of depression, mentions of torture, should become a slow burn romance if Severus obeys the author, some aspects taken from Cursed Child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-03-10 01:36:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 41
Words: 58,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18928669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taaya/pseuds/BrittaR
Summary: The battle is won, but at what cost. Hogwarts is in ruins and those parts that still stand have to be used as a makeshift hospital because even the great St. Mungos doesn't have beds for that many patients.You're just a trainee healer, but since you hadn't fought in the battle you had asked to be stationed at the castle for the time being. Little did you know that one conversation of your patients you had eavesdropped voluntarily might change your life forever.Content warning: Depiction of depression and mentions of death wish in at least one chapter.





	1. Aftermaths

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so ... I'm trying to write a Snape/Reader. I'm making this up while writing as I'm no plotter at all. Let's see how this goes, because Snape can be a real bastard towards an author who wants to give him a little chance of happiness.
> 
> If I mix movie and book content, I'm sorry. I tried to research the parts where I wasn't sure anymore which was which (mostly locations that were changed in the movies), but even the wiki wasn't always helpful. If you find errors, don't be shy and tell me.
> 
> I'll try to update once a week, but as I said, Snape can be really hard on an author. And as I'm not even sure, where I'm going with this, I can't make promises.

The battle was over and Hogwarts partially in ruins.  Smoke hung in the air and your lungs hurt. There was an  eerie  silence all around, as if you weren’t walking through a school but through a graveyard. And it was, somehow.

Most of the corpses had already been transported away. To their families, to St.  Mungos  for  healing or autopsy, or already  to  cemeteries  or to be cremated. Still you were here. You had graduated from Hogwarts one year ago and although you had no official business here you had longed to do at least something. Anything. And as the still standing parts of Hogwarts were being used as  makeshift hospital for the wounded.  St.  Mungos  was just not big enough for so many emergencies at once.

You were only healer in training, but at least you know basic medical spells and potions, so you wanted to be of some use and asked to be stationed there for the time being.

You hadn’t expected to hear such a private conversation, though. And still you just could not turn your back to it when you heard the hero of the hour, Harry Potter, talk to his best friends about Severus Snape, your former potions master.

„I swear, Ron, it’s true. Snape had been on our side all along. All this time he has worked to keep me save, at least as save as possible. He had to stay close to Voldemort for it. But he was Dumbledore’s man and has been for almost two decades.“

You stifled a gasp, not wanting them to hear you. You couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t as if you had always hated Snape, like most of your peers. Actually his method of teaching, intimidating his students, had always worked well for you. It was the kick in the butt you needed to find motivation to study. It was only his doing that you had found your love for potions – and through it your love for healing people.  But still you had taken him for the bad man everybody said he was, when Dumbledore died and thing went awry. It had shocked you first, but in the end you had told yourself that you were stupid not to have seen it earlier. A man that dark, brooding, always with barely  suppressed  anger and not at all  suppressed  bitterness. There had never seemed to be even the slightest glimpse of light in either his character or his world, at least to you, watching him from the outside. From that day on to you it had been clear that he was maybe a good teacher – for some, definitely not for all -, but not a good person. He was a Death Eater, for Merlin’s sake!

And now you stood here, only to have your view on the world shattered again.

“Tell me again, what happened. Maybe this time I can wrap my head around it”, you heard another male voice say. Probably Weasley, as Potter had been talking to him. But while you had been at the same school for six years, you had never really talked to either of them. You had heard Potter’s voice, naturally. When he had defended himself against the accusations of being the heir of Slytherin. In duel club. But that was it. You knew his voice. But not those of his friends.

“Like I said. Voldemort wanted the Elder Wand to work for him. And he thought as Snape had killed Dumbledore, that he was now the owner of the wand.” 

So Snape WAS a murderer? 

“But what he didn’t know was that Draco had disarmed Dumbledore earlier. HE was the true master of the Elder Wand by that point. That Snape had to kill Dumbledore, because he promised the Headmaster he’d protect Draco’s soul, didn’t change anything about it. But Voldemort couldn’t know and so he thought that if he killed Snape, the Elder Wand would finally give in and obey him. But … I beat Draco earlier that day, so … I was the master of it. Killing Snape didn’t make a difference. He wasn’t even fighting, you know. In neither of the ways. He bravely accepted death. But he wasn’t allowed to go down for an actual cause. He died out of misunderstanding.”

“But he did give you the instructions of how to go on. He gave you his memories. To see who he truly was and what he’d done. What you’re supposed to do.” This time a female had spoken up. You assumed it was Potter’s other friend. Granger. “That was necessary, wasn’t it? So he didn’t die in vain.”

“He could have done so without having to die”, Potter disagreed. 

“Oh, come on. As if he’d ever tell you that all this time he was in love with your mother and protecting you for her sake, if he didn’t know that he would not have to live with a bared soul later on.” The woman spoke again.

“Who knows. It still comes down to him dying. Slowly bleeding out, being consumed by venom. And all just because Voldemort got it wrong. You remember your dad being attacked by  Nagini , Ron? How the venom kept his blood from  clodding , his wounds from closing? How long they fought to get an antidote? That’s a death nobody should have to face. And certainly not this way. Even if he’d been loyal to Voldemort, that’s a terrible death he didn’t deserve.”

“Y/L/N”, you hear a voice call for you from another room and basically jumped, rushing away from the room in which the three friends had talked. You still had a job to do.

Still the conversation you simply couldn’t not listen to, gave you much to think about. And the more you thought, the more you felt the need to do something.


	2. Playing with time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know playing with time is a tricky concept. Still, you don't care THAT much, as it seems. 
> 
> Bit of a Cursed Child spoiler in this one. But just circumstances, not plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay, I said, I'd only update weekly (if even that often), but ... The first chapter wasn't that interesting, was it? It just marked the setting that we all know after the war. So ... to give you a little appetizer here's chapter two and the real beginning of the story.

You knew what you were about to do was wrong. Not just because one did not play with time. Never. There was a reason that time-turners weren’t exactly common knowledge. Who knew what kind of destruction your actions would lead to? But on the other hand, maybe not?

For almost two years there were no time-turners anymore. With the destruction of the department of mysteries all had been destroyed – or rather had gotten stuck in a time-loop forever. At least that was what people thought. You knew better. Your dad had been the one finding the broken time-turner. The one still keeping it hidden until the ministry was back up and running, led by someone he could trust enough not to use the device to change the outcomes of war.

And here you were. His child. About to use his secret to change said outcomes. Oh how your father would be disappointed if he knew. 

But something within you ached to do it. Potter‘s voice still rang in your head and spoke of a death in vain, caused by wrong assumptions. Of a death so distasteful that even a real death eater should not die in such a way.  There was no doubt in your mind, you had to try.

You clutched the time-turner you wore beneath your robes. Soon your shift was about to end and then you would either save a life or cause a disaster – maybe even both.

When you were off for the day, your fingers grew sweaty. This was it. Five minutes per jump, then you were pulled back, that much you knew about the broken device. And you were only transported through time, not space. First you would make a few jumps to take in your surroundings, trying to find the best time to act, before it got serious.

You palmed the pockets of your robes. Several vials of  blood replenisher and the antidote were in there. You just didn’t exactly know when to administer them. But you had to find a way.

Three jumps later you were making your way down to the great hall, tension visible all over your face. You had too small a margin of possibilities for your liking, but there was no other choice, that much you knew by now.

You rested the time-turner in your hand for a moment, mentally steadying yourself for what you were about to do. Yes, this was the exact place where you had to appear on the last meal served in Hogwarts before the battle.

The metal was warm against your hands when you turned it and your vision blurred. Then your hand grabbed the blood replenisher vial and emptied it into a  cup in front of you before you rushed out of the room. Thankfully Filch had knocked over a large bucket of water loud enough that the whole hall, filled with students and teachers alike, hadn’t even noticed your  presence.  Good, your time-turner had had the perfect timing.

You glanced into the hall and saw how Snape took the cup and sipped his drink. He didn’t seem to notice anything strange about it. Well, soon he would. Soon he would have too much blood within his veins. Not exactly a good feeling, but not lethal either. And necessary as soon he would need as much blood in his body as possible. A little headache was a small price to pay for life, right?

You strolled away from the hall, waiting for the five minutes to be over and your body to be pulled back to your own time. And there it came, the short feeling of disorientation.

You looked around yourself. By now nothing seems to have changed. Maybe nothing had. That wasn’t the purpose after all. Not after the dirt jump already. You still had to administer a second vial. And for that the timing had to be perfect once again.

You made your way out of what was left of the castle  and  went to  Hogsmeade . While you knew by now that there was a secret passage beneath the Whomping Willow you didn’t want to try to find the way how to use it while a tree tried to kill you, so you went the long way to get to the Shrieking  Shack.  Then you hit yourself behind some kind of debris or former furniture – you couldn’t really tell – and used the time-turner again.

When your vision cleared, you glimpsed out and saw Snape who stared at Potter.  Something had to have happened between the two of them, because both looked emotional, sad, not angry.  Then  Snape’s body  went limb and Potter  reluctantly  left the building.

Now you had to act fast.  Only four minutes were left until the time-turner would pull you back to your time. And who knew how long it would still kept working? 

You  hurried over to Snape and  searched for a pulse. Weak,  barely there,  but not yet gone, so no massaging the heart necessary.  Not if you could act before the poison reached it.  You uncorked the antidote and slipped the liquid between the lips of your former teacher while the tip of your wand made contact with his throat and you whispered healing spells.  If only the wound would stop bleeding, that would increase the chance of his survival dramatically.

You simply thr ew  away the vial to massage his throat with your now free hand, urging the antidote to be swallowed.  Or rather hoping that it went down the right way.  When the wound finally closed, you took out another vial of blood replenisher and made Snape drink it as well.  That was all you could do for him at the moment.  Now you could only hope that this was enough, especially since your five minutes were over and you felt the pull of time. The last thing you saw was Snape weakly opening his eyes.

Seconds later you were back in your time, breathing hard. You hadn’t even noticed how much of a strain you had endured while treating Snape’s wounds. Hopefully it had been worth it.


	3. New Now

You found yourself standing in the same room, but while you had treated Snape’s wounds in the darkness of night, now light came in throughout the window. The stain on the floor hadn’t changed. You still saw blood, now dried and a little darker than a few seconds ago in your personal timeline. Still it was there, unchanged, neither cleaned up nor holding any signs of movement made through the puddle. But was that something to judge your success by? Would there be any signs of change visible just in a puddle of dried blood and the wood of an old shack? 

There was no way to really know what changed if you stood here forever. You had to get out of this shack and find out what you had done. But your legs seemed numb and your body wouldn’t obey your mind for a moment. You knew that your actions might have catastrophic consequences, you had known this even before you consciously made the choice to act, but just now this knowledge hit you. Anxiety flared up inside you. It got harder to breathe. But it was too late to change anything. Going back to stop yourself would probably be even worse. If your earlier self would see you, the timeline would be changed and you wouldn’t have to go back to stop yourself, but then you would stop yourself, which would lead to a paradox and … you actually didn’t know what would happen then, but your guess was that it was better to live in the world you had just created yourself. 

Before you could find even worse thoughts to wrap your mind around, you forced your legs to make their way out of the shack and back to Hogwarts. The castle looked just like before as well, partially in ruins that were about to get build up again. Up until now you couldn’t find any differences between the world before and the new now. Did that mean that you failed? And were you sorry that you did? Would you go back once more, if your actions had not led to success by now? 

You thought about going home, reading the newspapers of the last few days to see if you even find the slightest divergence in timelines. But since you came back here anyway to use the floo network instead of apparating home, you could also make another round and see if your patients needed water or anything else you could help them with. Maybe this way you already learned if anything that had changed? 

In the first room you just found your patient sleeping peacefully. You just filled up his glass with aguamenti and set it back on the bedside table, before scanning the room for any sign of immediate medical danger. But your patient seemed stable and peaceful, so you left him alone and went on. 

In the second room yours were met by black eyes. Instead of the witch who was supposed to be in here, you saw the tiny edge of a scar between a pale face with greasy black hair and the blanket. The eyes fixed on you for a moment, then widened with remembrance. Then his glance wandered down to your neck and the time-turner you had forgotten to hide again. 

His formerly dark voice was still raw and broken, when he turned to speak: „What have you done?!“


	4. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of death wish in this one. Not too severe, but still, you have been warned.

You took a step back in shock and rubbed your forehead. This had been what you wanted, but still the sight of Severus Snape in front of you, very much alive,  though not exactly healthy looking,  was a lot to take in.

„Is You-Know-Who still dead?“, you asked, ignoring his question for a moment.

„Yes.“  His voice sounded off. 

„And Potter?“

„Alive. Annoyingly so.“

You snorted before you could stop yourself, th e n nodded. „ In that case  I have done the right thing, I  guess.“

Now his eyes narrowed. „You have used a time-turner to manipulate the timeline. You have healed my wounds and saved my life.“

„Might have,  yeah.“  You blushed a little, somehow expecting to be thanked. It was not  everyday  one saved a life and became a personal hero for somebody, right?  Well, maybe not personal hero, but ...

„Has it never crossed your mind that I might not have wanted to live on?“

„Don’t  mentio \- Hold on, what?!“ You stared at him. „Are you saying you wanted to die?“ Even the thought made you sad.

„I did not say that. I merely implied that you had no right to decide for me.“

True. Still: „If I had asked you in advance, you wouldn’t have expected to die and , if I understand correctly,  therefore might not have given Potter your memories, because you wouldn’t dare to live on with a bared soul. Those weren’t my words though.“

He tried to make his way out of bed and to you,  though you couldn’t tell if he wanted to strangle you, to intimidate you, or just make a dramatic statement by his movements. In any case  he was too weak and  almost collapsed when he only tried to sit up. „What do you know about my memories?“, he croaked and you handed him a glass of water, careful not to come too close. While he wasn’t a death eater in the end – or at least not by  conviction – he still was a murderer.

„Just a small bit and only because I heard Potter talk about how your death was in vain. And that’s why I had to  act.“  Without thinking you added: „You  wanna  die? Go on, be my guest. But I’m pretty sure that slowly bleeding to death isn’t the nicest way. You know potions that could kill you painlessly in an instant.  In fact y ou were the one teach ing  me how to brew them.“ Shit, why had you had to say something like this? You  didn‘ t want him to die. What a waste of talent.  But at the same time you didn’t want to be the one who might have ruined his plans.

He glared, but didn’t seem to know what to reply to that. Now that was a first.

„Now, do you still need anything? Otherwise I’m off duty and I had a long day. Jumping through time is not as easy as one might think.“

The line between his brows deepened while he thought about it. “The surroundings are rather … unchallenging for the mind.”

“ So  you’re bored. I can’t really do anything about that just yet. But I’ll see what I can do.” You took his medical file and studied it for a moment, looking for any clues on what he was allowed to do to fight boredom. “Oh. You shouldn’t even talk. Your throat is not yet  fully  healed. ” Well, you were running low on time.  So  you hadn’t even thought about checking if you only healed the surface or all the tissue. “ So … you better shut up – I mean, Sir –, go to sleep and tomorrow I’ll see what I can get you so you won’t bore yourself to death, right?  Probably not the best way of dying either.  I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Before you slipped out the room, you turned around, though, casting a simple “Aguamenti” on his glass.  Then you basically fled.


	5. This is the world we live in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one this time. But it felt necessary.

You  managed to bring  back the time-turner before your father had noticed it was gone . Sneaking into his office you hexed open his cabinet and put the time-turner back onto its cushion of dark velvet. Then you hurriedly  went to the pile of old newspapers that rested in the living room.  You released a breath you hadn’t even noticed you had been holding when every material evidence of you playing with time had been gone and your father could no longer catch you red handed.

Now it was time to find out just how much you had changed.  You didn’t exactly like the daily prophet, but since the wizarding world wasn’t huge on this new Muggle thing called internet, it was your only way of looking up what you had missed  until now. If there was anything huge that was different in this timeline, you’d find it in here.

Most of the headlines looked the same, as far as you could tell. It wasn’t exactly like you knew them by heart. But some were new. 

‘Hogwarts Headmaster – Murderer or war hero?’

‘Potter to testify – Will Severus Snape end in  Askaban ?’

You wondered where the hell Potter was about to testify,  since the Ministry was far from functional as far as you could tell, not just in the physical sense,  but maybe there was some sort of interim  M inistry that took care of things until everything was up and running again.

‘Potter to testify on behalf of former Hogwarts headmaster Severus Snape. The known death eater and murderer of Albus Dumbledore is still in medical treatment at an unknown location, while a council of  aurors  and high-ranking ministerial employees, currently relieving the  Wizengamot , has to decide if circumstances of his crimes were enough to warrant a verdict of not guilty. The details of Potter’s testimony are confidential, but reliable sources claim that Snape was in fact a double agent, working under Dumbledore himself.’ You read. 

And another article was right beside it. 

‘Mercy killing? The truth behind the death of Albus Dumbledore’

Something about an autopsy stating that he was suffering from a curse that would have killed him soon, under severe pain.

You sighed. Suddenly they all wanted to believe that Snape was not the monster they had seen in him. In a year they hadn’t once thought about making an autopsy on Dumbledore, but all of a sudden they found evidence for Snape’s case. But hadn’t you acted just the same way? You had thought him to be a death eater and just one conversation later you risked the whole  wizarding  and maybe even muggle world to save his life. First you had branded him as evil on hearsay and now you had done the exact opposite without any true evidence, without facts as well. How easily one had manipulated you. How easily mankind itself was manipulated.

Hopefully this time you were closer to the truth.

Still, all your pride of saving a life was gone, when you went to bed this night. Thankfully the anxiety was as well. You hadn’t destroyed anything. There was no catastrophe. Maybe you even did the right thing. But somehow you still felt empty, hollow, and a little ashamed.  But mostly you felt unsure. Not just about yourself, but about everything. How often had you been manipulated? And what would the future hold? Too many questions and thoughts were buggering you this night.


	6. Teasing and taking care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early this time, because Germany is suffering from a heat wave (not as extreme as India!), and who knows when it'll be cool enough to start my computer again. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

When you entered Snape’s room the next morning, you were overloaded with books. You didn’t exactly know why you cared that much that you did more for him than your job description asked of you, but it didn’t hurt either, did it?

„ I see, you have changed your position and are now librarian“, Snape greeted you.  His voice already sounded a little better, though  still far from normal.

„You said you’re bored. And since it’s my fault that you’re here, I try to  help“ , you said, using all your sass for the world ‚fault‘. „Also I learned that your location is confidential and only my boss and I know you’re here, so you don’t exactly have many other people you could ask  for a little distraction . I don’t know what kind of books you like, so I’ve brought you as many genres as I could find.“

Snape arched a brow but kept quiet.

You on the other hand took another look on his medical file to see what you had to do to treat him. Suddenly there was a lump in your throat. „Okay, I am supposed to use salve on your wounds, so if you could bare your throat to me, please?“

When he was dying, you had your hands on his wrist, throat and lips, but back then you hadn’t wasted a single thought on  him  being your former teacher , a real human being . It had  all happened in the rush of  a medical emergency. But now? You were too aware that you would have to touch him. While he was awake.

He pulled down the blanket a little and opened the first buttons of his  pajama  top.

You flinched involuntarily. While you had healed the surface as good as you could, his throat still looked awful. Instead of the white of old scar tissue his throat held an angry red. And the wound was huge. When there had been blood everywhere you hadn’t been able to really see where the wound ended and the bloodstained skin began, but now you could see that there was little healthy skin left.

„Disgusted, Y/L/N?“, he asked, his tone unreadable, and for the first time showed that he actually remembered you from school. Or had your younger self in this timeline introduced herself to him?

You swallowed  and shook your head. „No, this is my job and not the first wound I’ve treated. I just hadn’t expected it to still be so massive.“ Your fingers clenched around the small  jar  of salve  on his bedside table. Once open, you dipped your hand into the cool gel and began to lightly massage it into his skin.

Snape looked down on you while you were doing your job and didn’t show any sign of pain – or discomfort at being touched.

„See, not disgusted at all. Your skin is a bit hot though. Maybe your body is just trying to kill germs, but I’d like to give you something against infections anyway.“ That was if your boss agreed, since you weren’t allowed to prescribe anything without supervision. „Now, I’ll bring you your pain medication soon and then breakfast.“

He groaned and you chuckled. You knew he didn’t get any solid food, just  mash. „I know“, you said, trying to be sympathetic. „But everything else could rip open your wound again. Do you need anything else? And don’t forget, as little talking as possible.“

He shot you a glance, while you began enjoying your position. You didn‘t want to annoy him, just tease him a little, as he was doing with his students. „Parchment, ink and a quill to communicate without talking would be good“, he finally settled on a demand and you nodded.  „Right, good idea.” Though ink was a bit risky in a bed. Maybe you could try to find him some of those muggle things that could write without ink.

Then again: “But couldn’t you just use your wand? You know, writing fiery letters in the air?” 

He arched a brow. “They’ve taken my wand until I’m cleared of all charges  - if I ever will be . They don’t want to risk me fleeing or murdering anyone.” 

“Oh.” That actually made sense. Though it was a bit drastic, given that he’d have to flee from the school grounds to  apparate  first, while the fireplaces were under surveillance at the moment. And to you he didn’t look like he could pull of such a stunt at the moment. The poison had done some damage before you had been able to give him the antidote and it would probably take a while until he was back in shape. “Okay, so I’ll try to find you something to communicate without talking. And until then, eat, drink and rest. Honestly, you’ll need it!” 

He gave you an other  annoyed glance, as if you had just dropped in the wrong ingredient and your potion exploded, changing the colour of everything in the room to a bright pink. Not that you would know how he looked in such a moment…

You just shrugged and tried to give him what you thought was an innocent smile, then you left his room. Once the door was closed,  you leaned against the cool stone wall and rubbed your face.

You felt drained and couldn’t even understand why. You had changed the timeline without screwing up. So everything was back to normal, wasn’t it? But being responsible for your former teacher was intense. Usually you didn’t know the patients, and if you did something embarrassing, you knew you would never see them again and in a few weeks they’d probably even forget your name.

But here you knew the one you had to care for. And having to touch somebody that intimidating alone was nerve wrecking enough.  But there was something else, something even more grave than having to treat Snape. You also felt … responsible for him as a person. Him being alive was your project, your idea. And while you tried to forget about it, him questioning if he really wanted to live felt like a both a challenge and a plea to you. You couldn’t just leave him alone doubting if he wanted to go on living.

And at the same time you wanted to keep as much distance as possible. This man could be really awful when in a bad mood. And even when he was in a good mood, he had always been aloof, making clear that he did not care for any personal closeness, not even to his colleagues. You didn‘t want to be the one getting so close, so annoying that he snapped at you.

With a sigh you straightened your back and made your way to the little cart of food trays, to bring Snape his breakfast. There was nothing you could do against it. As long as he was here, it was your job and your moral duty to make sure he was well cared for. And you would do your best, no matter how doomed you felt.


	7. Stains and stubbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might even be some fluff in this one.

You had gotten Snape something that was called a pencil and a rubber, also paper instead of parchment. He stared at you, when you handed it over to him. “Less stains than with ink and with the soft thingy  on the other end  you can undo your mistakes. Or reuse the sheet completely.”

‘This is muggle stuff’, he wrote down and shot you a pointed glance.

You rolled your eyes. “I thought you were on the side that won, in the end. So no hating muggles?” 

‘I still prefer writing with style and dignity.’

As if ink stains on fingers were dignified in any way. But you didn’t reply, just shrugged. 

‘And this is how I will communicate from now on?’

You nodded. “Just for a while. Until your throat is healed completely  or at least that much that we’re sure you won’t damage your vocal chords for good . Can’t take too long, even with the damage the snake venom did, can it?” Well, actually you should have been the one knowing the answer. But then again you were only in your first year as healer and Snape was just the second patient having been bitten by this particular snake.

Without warning, his façade of a cold, slightly disinterested demeanour slipped. Or was it just an act, that you saw vulnerability in his eyes? 

“Something wrong?”, you asked and his usual mimics came back, looking aloof as always. He tried to shake his head, only to flinch and clutch a hand to his throat. “Stop that. Don’t destroy my work. Lean back, I’ll use the salve again. Don’t want anything to rip open, do you?”

This time it was already less uncomfortable to touch him, to feel his warm breath on the back of your hand while you massaged salve onto his skin. You felt stubbles under your fingertips. „I should probably look up a shaving spell, so that I‘ll still be able to tend to your scar in the next days. A fully grown beard would really be in the way“, you mumbled. But actually right now it was kinda nice. His skin tickled against yours.

You heard his pen scratch over the paper. He wrote down a book title.

„What? For the shaving spell?“

A small nod , he really wasn’t good at not moving . ‚Study the instructions carefully. I already had my throat cut open. I don’t wish to experience this ever again.‘

You smiled. „Alright, thank you. Now, do you want me to hand you one of the books before I’ll leave you again?“

‚Why leave?‘

„I have to tend to other patients. You’re not my only one.“

He rolled his eyes.

„As if you’d want to spend hours on end with a former student“, you said, teasing him lightly. „You hate students. Even the most talented.“ Again, not an accusation. You didn’t care that he had always treated students like vermin. It had worked for you. And he had been paid to share wisdom, not to become his students‘ best friend.

‚You underestimate my boredom.‘

You laughed out loud. That was new. Since when had Snape humour? Or had you just never noticed?

„Maybe. Still I have to go. So either pick a book or sleep, because I have to do my job.“

Another eye roll, then Snape pointed to one of your books – a romance novel, to your horror. How did that get here? Great, him knowing that you read sappy love stories, just what you needed. Ammunition for him to tease you. Still you handed it over to him and tugged him in. „Right, have fun and see you later.“


	8. High maintenance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I've already written three more chapters, so I think it's safe to upload another one today without running out of time to write (and out of chapters to post) the next weeks.

The days went by without much happening. You had found a routine, shaving Snape each morning before applying salve and having a short conversation, usually about nothing of importance. Then you’d bring him breakfast and leave him alone  for a while, only checking up on him on hourly rounds .

You had learned that your boss was the one helping Snape  when nature called, thankfully, while you brought him lunch and dinner and tended to his wounds and every need that did not involve any state of undress that included more than his throat.

After  bringing your patients  dinner you  always called it a day,  leaving for  home and a dinner of your own.

Finally  it was your first day off since changing timelines. You weren’t exactly sure who took care of Snape now, as his location was still confidential. But you didn’t really care. Surely your boss had found another healer , mediwizard  or mediwitch he could trust enough to keep that secret hidden. You didn’t want to waste your precious time off on thoughts about work.

At least you thought so, until you made your way to the living room, food in one hand, a book you’ve been meaning to read in the other, to find the head of your boss sitting in your fireplace.

“Ah, Y/N, finally. Well, I don’t know how to say it, but you gotta come back to work”, his face said, almost dancing in the burning wood left over from what had fought of the still cold night.

“Mr. Bloomsbury, my contract says I have to get at least one day off every week, Sir.” You didn’t mention that even this one day off was way less than most of your friends got. 9 to 5 only from Monday to Friday, that’s what those of your former class mates got, unless they worked changing shifts in shops. But you liked your job and you had known that it would come with night shifts and less free days than normal people got. More working hours meant more money, and more money while actually helping people was fine for you. Still, one day off was really necessary every once in a while. 

“I know, I know … but we … have a slight problem at hand.” 

“A problem you need an apprentice for?” Frankly you were astonished. You were not exactly bad in your job, but you’ve never been an overachiever either. And while your talents were fine for the job as a healer, you couldn’t do anything more than your colleagues could. So why the hell would anyone need you, personally?

“Prof … Mister Snape does not wish to be treated by anyone else.”

You weren’t exactly sure if you felt flattered or if you felt the urge to kill that man. Maybe both.

“He actually tried to bite your colleague when she wanted to administer the salve.” 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I am afraid not.” Mr. Bloomsbury’s face showed no sign of any emotion. But then again he was what Muggles called a British gentleman. Never showing outward emotions – unless towards his dog  or maybe his owl .

You began pacing in front of the fireplace. Should you really go to work? Your boss probably couldn’t force you, since your day off had already been permitted and was part of your contract. And you were pretty sure that Snape wouldn’t actually bite anyone. That he was just trying to scare people into getting you there.

But at the same time you couldn’t help but ... feel drawn to him. You didn’t have a name for it. Was it a feeling of responsibility? Were you curious about what would happen to him in future? Hell, did you grow to feel something like friendship for this guy?

„ Alright. But you owe me a free day.  I’ll be over in a few minutes.“

Your boss nodded and left your fireplace, so that you could pack yourself a bag. You needed  real  food,  you  truly  did. Hospital food was bad enough when you were a patient. But as a healer – and only in a makeshift hospital? As long as the house elves didn’t come back, you preferred to bring your own food, at least today, when it was supposed to be your day off with good food and maybe even a foam bath. Damn, you’d like to strangle Snape for ruining your plans.

You wrote a note to your parents, packed your stuff and  floo -ed  over to Hogwarts to be searched by security once again. 

„Is that sleep wear?“, the  auror  looking through your bag asked.

„Just in case. Who knows if that son of a basilisk won’t ask me to come in at night, too, just because he’s bored? Maybe I should just sleep here until we get rid of him. Would save us all  time.“  Of course this was a bit harsh. But still you were a teeny tiny bit annoyed.

The  auror  laughed. „Not a nice patient?“

You could only shrug. You didn’t really hate Snape for dragging you here. You could understand him  in a way. „I don’t know. Maybe it’s nice he trusts me that much“, you finally said. „But I sure could use some time off and he won’t let me have it.“

„Alright, you’re all clear, have fun at work. And if you need security, you know where to find us.“

You smiled thankfully and left the  office, to drop your bag at the staff room before going to Snape.  Your shoes made a clicking noise on the stone floor, and today it was so quiet in here that nothing drowned out your steps. Of course, it was Sunday and only an emergency crew of healers was around. Also most patients that were able to walk or be carried were outside on the grounds with their family to breathe a little fresh air.

Snape  was still in his room, where you had left him yesterday evening. He smirked when he saw you come in.

„Biting, really? What are you, five?“, you greeted him with a strict glance and hands on your waist.

„I only said I would bite, I didn’t  actually  do it.  That mediwitch is exaggerating the incident. “ He even tried to look guilty, but his lips twitched and betrayed him.

„Oh, and that’s more mature? You cost me my day off!  And  you‘re not allowed to talk.“

He pointed to his medical file and you looked at it. „Okay, you are allowed to talk now. But still… Why do I have to be here?“

Now Snape’s face softened. „I have gotten used  to having you around. And that stupid girl was disgusted by my scar.“

„You thought the same about me  at  first.“

„But you have prove d  me wrong.  Now, salve, please?“

You blinked. Did he just say please? With a sigh you grabbed the salve to massage his throat yet again.

When you looked up to his face, his eyes were closed and he looked as if he was  enjoying your  ministrations.  Was this the reason he had wanted you and only you? But what exactly did that mean? Was this just him enjoying the touch because he was accustomed to you and he trusted you enough to let himself have this moment? Was there more to it?

„I see, you have let them shave you at least“, you said, breaking the spell.

Snape opened his eyes and didn’t seem embarrassed. Maybe a little sorry the moment was gone? „Not my decision.  If I had the choice I would not accept anyone but you to hold a wand against my throat.“

„Why me?“, you asked a second time. „What by Merlin’s dirty underwear is so special about me?“

He was silent for a moment. Finally he sighed. „You care. You saved my life at great risk for the world.  Therefore I  know you will not use the chance to kill a death eater and murderer.“

„Of course I won’t. Do … do you really think somebody here might be willing to kill you?“

„I have done a lot of things many people would like to see me dead for in the last 11 months alone . The people who call themselves the good side want me dead for murdering Dumbledore and for having obeyed the Dark Lord‘s wishes. And those who have been faithful to the Dark Lord would want to see me dead because of Potter claiming I’d be Dumbledore‘s man and a spy.“

You noticed that he had avoided to take sides. „And what exactly is true?“

„You don’t know?“

„I know what Potter told his friends. You loved his mother and changed sides for her or something like that? But I don’t know the real story, your story. If you really want me to spend my formerly free day with you, you could at least give me a little something.“

Snape rolled his eyes. „If you bring me something edible,  I might be willing to tell you.“

You snorted. „That’s blackmail. But I’ll see what I can do for you.“


	9. Opened and closed

You had grabbed the hospital breakfast for Snape as well as your bag and told your colleague that you’d be staying with him and just him for the day as long as there was no medical emergency, then you made your way back to his room. 

„I asked for something edible“, he complained. „I won’t eat that.“ 

„That’s mine. It’s all I can get here. And if I’ll give you my food, I need something else for me. Or do you want me to starve? Hold this for a second, please.“ You handed him your dish of undefinable slime and opened your bag. „We have sausage rolls, shepherd‘s pie, pumpkin pastries, and scones“, you said, putting one container of food after the other on his bed. It was not exactly a traditional breakfast, neither English nor continental, but then again you had planned for it to last all day. „But do me a favour and chew as much as possible. I don’t want you to rip open your throat from the inside and bleed to death. And who knows if your stomach was affected by the venom?“ 

He groaned. „I wish I could kill that snake.“ 

„Too late for that. When I first came here it was very very headless. Somebody got to it before you could.“ 

He nodded, and didn’t look surprised. You wondered if there was more to the snake that made other people wanting to kill it, too. But you didn’t ask, because at the end of the day the animal was dead anyway. The one who’s story you really were interested in, on the other hand, was very much alive and currently eating your sausage rolls. 

You took you own dish out of his free hand and began eating. „Now, tell me a little something about you“, you asked in between of two spoons. 

„I will not go into much detail, because … Well, reasons must not be given. But I have been a death eater when I was young, that is correct.“ 

You swallowed hard. You had already known somehow. But hearing it from Snape himself was a different matter. „You’re still young, though, you know?“ 

He frowned and tried to turn his head to you instead of just moving his eyes to see you. 

„You said when you were young. 38 is not old, for a wizard. Just wanted …“ What did you want? You didn’t even know yourself. It just hurt to think that he might see himself at the end of his life right now. „Sorry, go on.“ 

„I no longer know if there was a time I really was part of this ideology without doubting the slightest parts of what the Dark Lord wanted – or claimed he wanted. Maybe I was. Maybe I just felt as if my doubts were too small and insignificant to give up the one place I had left to go to. Or maybe I was too scared that if I did not join them, if they came to power I would be among the victims.“ 

His dark eyes pointedly looking at you. „You’re a half-blood“, you gasped. In truth most of the so called pure-bloods were, that you knew. They just hid it behind decorum and a few generations of inbreeding now. You yourself were considered pure-blood as well, but you were sure that in the 15th century there had been quite a few muggles in your bloodline. And while your family – at least the one closest to you – didn’t care at all about blood purity, the death eaters had left you alone in the last year, so they didn’t seem to care either. They had accepted you, as long as you didn’t openly fight them. Which you hadn’t as you were too busy healing the people that crossed their path. Snape on the other hand must have had a Muggle in his recent blood line if he feared he wouldn’t have been tolerated without joining You-know-who‘s lines. 

„My father“, he verified your thoughts. 

You gnashed your teeth. A Slytherin with a muggle father. You didn’t even want to imagine how his life had been as a kid. That couldn’t have been easy. 

„I joined, got marked and lived on. I did what was asked of me, which lead to me being the reason the Potters died. I overheard something that I had not realized would put them in danger. At least I had not realized at first. When the Dark Lord came to the conclusion I knew that I was not willing to be part of the new world he wanted to create. I turned against him and became a spy for Dumbledore in exchange for the safety of the family.“ 

He didn’t say a word about his feelings for Harry Potter‘s mother, but the stiffness in his face and the pain in his eyes told you more than enough. 

„It didn’t work out“, you whispered. 

Snape shook his head. „No. Only the boy survived. And it was my fault that he was an orphan. I could never make it up, but the headm-, Dumbledore gave me the chance to avenge what the Dark Lord had done. And that is what I have done ever since.“ 

You bit your lip, trying not to picture yourself leading a life like this. Only fuelled by guilt and maybe even shame? No wonder he had snapped so easily in class, when he knew how a life full of guilt felt. When accidents in his class lead to casualties, he would have only ended up with even more weight on his shoulders, not to mention that the student would have had to learn how to live with such guilt as well. Maybe in some way part of his strictness had actually been his way of protecting the people around him from feeling as bad as he did? Or were you just projecting how you might have felt and acted in his situation? 

„Don’t look like a wounded puppy“, Snape basically ordered and shoved some shepherd‘s pie into his mouth. His face grew mask-like when he swallowed and you could tell he was still in pain. But he obviously didn’t like to look weak. With another glance towards you he groaned. „Even worse, you seem to see me as a wounded puppy. I assure you, I am not.“ 

„Well, you are wounded“, you teased, reaching out for his hand. 

When you clenched it, Snape stared down at your linked hands. For a moment he said nothing. „What exactly do you think you are doing?“, he asked then, his voice just as cold and chastising as you remembered it from class. 

You let go and blushed. „Oh, just eat your bloody breakfast.“ Maybe you have gotten too defensive, have felt too much caught in the act, although you didn’t really know what you’ve done wrong. But suddenly every closeness or openness that had grown between the both of you felt gone. So you just stared at the slime that was still left on your dish and began eating again. 


	10. Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of torture!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again a day early - because I've got a cold and while I got out of bed today I'm not sure I'll make it tomorrow.   
> Also two chapters today, because I have eleven chapters ready by now ... If all goes to plan, I'll be through with the first draft by the end of the month and only have to edit by then. But let's see how good Severus will cooperate before I get your hopes up too high.

You had just finished when three men came in , all dressed similar in robes that seemed to be made to blend in in a crowd. But here they stuck out like sore thumbs. All three looked neat. Either they were selling beauty products, or they were officials, you assumed from what once had been the ministry.

„Excuse me, this room is off limits to the public“, you tried to tell them, standing up from the chair you had eaten in.

„Ministry of Magic“, the man in the front of the trio said , confirming your suspections. 

„What’s left of it“, a slightly younger man murmured  and you would have smiled at him if you didn’t feel out of place and a little overwhelmed of their presence.

The first one continued. „We’re here on behalf of the makeshift  wizengamot  to talk to Mister Snape. If you could leave the room?“

It was well within your rights to send them out and ask for your boss to decide, but you didn’t want to make things more complicated for your patient, so you turned to look at him, if he was alright with those visitors and felt up to their … what? Questioning? 

Snape had already begun closing the food containers and cleaning his bed. When he noticed you looking at him, he nodded solemnly.

„Alright, but keep it quick, my patient is still recuperating  and needs his  rest “ , you gave in. With that you left the room and closed the door. Looking around you searched for the healers on weekend duty to see if you could help them with anything. If you weren’t needed to play  babysitter  for Snape, you could at least make yourself useful.  It also would help with their mood as they had looked willing to strangle you when you told them you were only here for one patient today. 

You helped changing bedclothes, handed out potions and took samples of almost  every body  fluid imaginable, nothing unusual . Though it was more relaxing and less taxing  then  usual, thanks to the longer visiting hours and the good weather.

Just when you got ready to hand out lunch to those patients who hadn’t gone outside with their family, you heard noises from Snape’s room. Strangled screams and thumps.  Now that couldn’t be right, could it.

You grabbed your wand from your cloak pocket and rushed inside. „What the hell d‘you think you‘re doing to my patient“, you shouted, wand pointed at the throat of the man who seemed to be the group leader.

From the corner of your eye you saw Snape falling back down onto his bed. H ow could he have been falling? And why had his body looked so contorted up in the air? H e looked pale- ish  green and tired. „What’s going on here?“

„We were just interrogating Mister Snape with all necessary means ”, the leader said. It sounded a little pressed.

„And what exactly do you deem necessary?  That looked as if you were using curses on him.“

„Exactly  this . The suspect is known to have a talent for Occlumency. At the same  time  he must have worked on shielding his minds from the effects of  Veritaserum , in order to be able to work as a spy – or double agent as he claims to have been.  Usual means of learning the truth are of no use when it comes to him. “

„And you prefer to torture him into telling you the truth?“ Your hand began to shake with suppressed anger.

„I do not prefer anything. We merely have noticed that the combination of assaults  lowers  the tolerance both for  Veritaserum  and  Occlumency . The use of  Imperius  and  Cruciatus are  legalized  for this cause and …“

„So you REALLY tortured  him?“  You almost spat fire by now. „Did you ask any healer if you were allowed to?  Do you have any idea what this stress could have done to his veins? And what about his throat? It’s still not healed. You could have ripped it open again, leaving him to suffocate on his own blood. How many of you would know the spells to save him, huh?”

„L/N, I gave them permission. I wanted them to know they could trust what I told them“, Snape interrupted weakly.

„Shush, I’m talking to these nice men. Now?“

„ No“ , their leader confessed.  “We did not ask permission.”

„Great. I’m sure you know that Hogwarts is currently under the jurisdiction of St.  Mungo‘ s, meaning you are not to  i nflict physical or mental harm without consultation of a healer. Legalized or not, if you ever torture my patients again, I will see that as a hostile act and react  accordingly.  And now get  the hell  out!“

Neither moved, instead they whispered among themselves.  Finally  their leader turned to Snape , while the other two seemed to observe you. If they saw you as a threat or just as an annoyance you couldn’t tell. Thankfully none of them, except for Snape himself, knew how bad you were at actually hexing people.  „Mister Snape, I have been authorized to be the judge in your case , if I find your interrogation sufficient to come to a conclusion . As your testimony is backed by those of our witnesses , living and dead,  and  th e  e vidence, I hereby declare you not guilty. You are a free man.“ With that he pulled something out of the inner pocket of his cloak and handed it over to Snape: His wand. Then he nodded towards you. „Have a nice day, Miss L/N.“ A last glance to his colleagues and all three left the room, leaving you to glare at their backs until they went out of sight.

„ Barbarians“ , you growled, then you turned around to  glare  at Snape.  Only now did you lower your wand and finally put it away.  „And what do you mean, you gave them permission? You allowed them to torture you?  Are you out of your mind? “

„I have survived worse“, he said. „Although if I had not wanted to tell them the truth, their efforts would have been in vain.“

You merely arched a brow in question. This had been a little too much for you to actually find the strength for emotions like surprise.

„I have lied to the Dark Lord for years and he used worse to penetrate my mind. And I had to withstand his efforts. Those men right now, they lacked the strength and will to accomplish what the Dark Lord himself could not. Fortunately for them I did tell the truth  willingly .“

„Fortunately for you. You’re the one who’s free now. Free to do whatever you want. Still, you’re an idiot. You look like shit now, and I’m pretty sure that had been a huge step backwards on your way to recuperation.“ You were happy for him, truly, you were. But seeing somebody being tortured? And you didn’t care for a judicial system that caused pain not as a punishment but as means of finding out the truth.  At least this should have waited until he was up on his feet again, if it truly were necessary.

„Perhaps I feel slightly fatigued now“, he admitted .

„I’ll get you a strength potion. And maybe use a few healing spells,  just in case  something was hurt inside you. And then you’ll sleep for a while.“

He really must have been tired, because he only nodded and let you tend to him. Snape fell asleep before you were even done with the spells, so when you were finished you tucked him in and sat back into the chair you had eaten breakfast in. Reading a book you watched over him. Nobody would hurt him again, not while he was in your care.


	11. Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of partial nudity and medical procedures. Also of yummy food, so don't read this too hungry.

You must have fallen asleep as well,  because when a hand on your arm lightly shook you and you opened your eyes the sun had moved quite a lot. Had it been shining through the windows when you had found the three ministerial employees torturing Snape, the room now was lit only by indirect light.

„I h ad not  realized  the situation  had taken such a toll on you.“ Snape’s voice was uncharacteristically soft and sympathetic. „You have never seen anyone being tortured, have you?“

You shook your head. „That man that was not Professor Moody had showed the three unforgivable curses to a few classes, but mine wasn’t among them. We were  buried  too deep in exam prep. So I was …  spared.“  You were not sure how you would have reacted had you had to watch anyone torture an innocent animal. You had heard that a few students had to seek medical help afterwards, being to o  shocked and traumatized. Today you could understand it. While you had only seen the last moments of what  this men  had done to Snape, even those seconds had cost you so much strength and energy.  Especially since your fantasy got overactive, picturing what they had done before you came in.  „Have you? Seen it, I mean?“

„Countless times. And countless times I have endured it. To test my faith, to punish me when I did something wrong, to enhance his ability to penetrate my mind, or just for giving him  pleasure.“  Severus shrugged lightly. He still seemed to fear the pain, minimizing his gestures as much as he could. “It was his favourite  pastime . Everyone who joined learned that even before they took the mark. But once they knew it was too late to turn around and run. It was either torture or certain death.  So  we all learned to handle the pain.”

„That’s awful.“

„That’s life. That was the path I have chosen. First out of stupidity and blindness, then out of  fear and finally out of the  knowledge it was necessary for the greater good  to play along . Just as earlier I chose it because it was the best alternative.“

„Doesn’t make it easy, though, does it?“ His  h and was still on your arm and you lay your hand on his.

„No.“

You sighed. „I’m gonna take my break and go over to  Honeyduke‘s . I think, we’re in serious need of chocolate. Do you promise me not to bite anyone until I come back?“

„So sleeping was not a break?“

On a normal day you might get into trouble for falling asleep on duty. Today on the other hand you were asked to came to work for him. Y ou had to see what they did to him. And you were in no mood to deal with anyone standing in your way, boss or not. Y ou bit your lip. „I’ll take my chance. And I hope you won’t tell anyone.“

He inclined his head lightly, his eyes widening. „Doesn’t hurt any longer.“

„Great. All the more reason for chocolate. Soothing our nerves and celebrating that slowly you’re getting better. Be right back. Try to behave until then.“

When you came back, he seemed changed yet again. Not aloof, rather ashamed.

„What’s up?“

„Your boss, Bl…-„

„Bloomsbury.“

„Exactly. He has taken the day off.“

Great, he called you in and left? Not the best role model. Then again you were a trainee, you had to do the dirty work to earn the privileges of a fully trained healer.  And this was he couldn’t punish you for falling asleep.  „So?“

„My location is still classified until further notice and there is no male healer left with clearance. I need to … use the restrooms.“

Okay, that  actually  was a good reason to feel a little awkward. „Right, let‘s get you to the loo then. You have to tell me how much help and which kind of help you need, but we can do this. You wanna be flown on a stretcher or rather walk with my help?“

„Walk. And hurry, please.“

You smiled  nervously , but hurried to help him down the way to the next bathroom. How the hell did nobody notice him being here when he actually had to went down a corridor a few times a day?  Was Severus under a spell so that people who didn’t actually seek him out, didn’t notice him?

„Now, I …“

„Look, I’ve done this  more times than I can count  and I’ve done even more intimate things with patients. Hell, I had to find prostrates. None of them were my former teachers, but we’ll get through this, alright? So, what now?“

„Undress me, please.“

You did so in a rush and pulled down both his trousers and his underwear while he rested some of his weight on your shoulders. Then you helped him sit down on the toilet and went out of the small cabin to give him some privacy.  Only then did you notice that you hadn’t even looked. You had treated him exactly like any other patient. As much as you stretched your mind, you couldn’t even tell if he had a nice butt. Not that you wanted to know … 

When he was back in bed, Snape still looked awkward. You felt sorry for him, and at the same time you would have felt the same way, had you been in his place.

„I can stay over night, so that you at least won’t have to accept another one’s help if you have to pee again“, you suggested , although knowing that maybe he wanted to ignore the topic.

He stared at his hands for a while, then nodded. „Thank you.“

You had never expected to hear those words for him – ever. But right now you shook your head. „I’m just doing my job.“

„I would have assumed you would find the situation even more … disturbing than I do. I was your teacher. And when I’m myself again, at least I am able to hide these memories behind my  Occlumency  shields. You on the other hand…“

You smiled. „ Of course  it’s weird. But  I  didn’t tell you that I already had tasks way more … touchy-feely just to calm you.  It’s true.  This  moment  back on the loo was just weird, because of who you are, not in general. I’ve helped a lot of patients on the toilet. Just … none of them had been my teacher before. None of them … were the intimidating guy that caused so much fear and yet inspired me to do my best.“

Now a small smile graced his lips. „Not so intimidating now, am I?“

You laughed. „You have no idea. Half the time you still scare the sh i t out of me. But the other half … you’re a human being. And with that human being I can work. I can help him with anything, no matter how weird. I even give him my Scones.“

„If you and me are going to have a  pajama  party tonight, would you mind getting yourself and this human a pizza?“

You thought for a moment, then nodded. Pizza was a bit  slimy  thanks to both the tomato sauce and the cheese. Of all the real food that was probably one of the best for his throat. „Might take a while, but I’ll hurry. Don’t run away.“


	12. Home care

Over the days you had grown to like the time spent with Snape. Once you had managed to learn a little something about him, he actually let his walls down around you. Or maybe he was just very good at making you feel like he did? He was still snarky every down and then, but by now you had learned this was just his way of humour, bantering and teasing. Or you hoped it was, since you had grown to enjoy it. At least you stopped being on edge all the time and fearing his every reaction. 

This night you had actually spent at home, though. While by now you had really set up a bed for yourself in Snape’s room, so that he never felt alone and always had help at hand when needed, every once in a while you needed some space for yourself - and relaxation for your back. You needed somebody else but him to talk to, you needed to wash your healer robes and you needed some other way to spend your time off then just reading books and bantering with former teachers. 

When you came to Hogwarts well rested this morning, everything was chaos. The aurors keeping guard searched you more thoroughly than usual and all around you was smoke and shouting. The air was full of particles that felt like the stone powder that had been in the air after the battle when you and the other healers had first arrived here.  

„What the hell happened?“, you asked. „Did anyother part of the castle collapse? Have the death eaters come back?“ Could they have rebuilt themselves that easily, without even having a leader? Or had somebody already filled the vacuum left behind by you-know-who? But why attack here, then? Potter was no longer around, also why would they still need him? And taking revenge on those who were simple pawns in the fight was far from honorable, not to mention completely useless if their goal was to come back to power. 

„We do not know yet who was behind the attack“, one of the aurors told you. So there actually was an attack. „Can be them, can be others. But somebody tried to get inside and hurt your … special patient.“ 

Before you even knew it, you were running down the corridors as fast as you could. You hadn’t waited for more information. Was it even safe to enter this part of the castle? But all you could think about was how maybe Severus was dead and all your work had been in vain. That could not be happening. He was simply not allowed to die, not this way. You would get him back, at all costs. 

You didn’t notice the burning pain in your lungs and kept on running, only stopping when you were basically crashing into his room. To see him up and well, arching a brow at you. 

„You … are alive“, you noticed, fighting for breath, finally coughing from all the stone powder you had breathed in. You leaned against his bed, so you wouldn’t collapse. 

„I see your mind is capable of processing information“, he replied calmly. 

„I thought …“ 

„He is unharmed.“ You hadn’t even noticed Bloomsbury sitting there in the chair – your chair by now. „But several other patients were hurt. Not gravely, but … Mr. Snape has been found. He has to go.“ 

„Go? He still can’t even go to the toilet on his own.“ You ignored the glare from black eyes. That was a sore point between you and him. „He needs to be taken care of 24/7. You can’t just send him away. He might die.“ 

Your boss smiled lightly. „We are not sending him away. Not exactly that is. We still swore an oath to protect our patients after all. But we have to take … certain unorthodox precautions.“ 

„I own a house“, Severus took over for your boss. „Only six people in this world knew were I live. Four of them are dead, as far as I know. One of the is in the same position that I am in, seen as a death eater by those who are not, seen as a traitor by those who are death eaters. This person will not betray me. And the last is one of Dumbledore’s most trusted allies who by now knows we fought on the same side. I will hide my house with as many spells as I know and a trustworthy employee of the Ministry will add his own layer of protective charms. I also have enough room to house a person who would help caring for me, who will start with physical therapy soon, to get me back on my feet.“ 

You knew where this was going. „I’m only a trainee.“ 

„Exactly. Mr. Snape is no longer in any immediate danger, as far as we can tell. He only has to recuperate. Applying salve and helping with basic needs is trainee work. But you are allowed to decline the assignment, since it would come with irregular working hours. There will be no day off until Mr. Snape can stay on his feet long enough to take care of himself, and while I will come over once per day to bring new medications and give advice should the situation change, you will be on your own. You cannot go home or anywhere else outside the house for longer than a few minutes at a time until he has made significant progress.“ 

You didn’t know what to say. Of course some people had to be taken care for at their home. But usually freelance healers were the ones visiting patients at home. Fully trained freelancers. But Snape had already showed that he trusted you – and mistrusted basically everyone else, except maybe for Bloomsbury who he just didn’t like. Could you stand to know that somebody else took care of him, that somebody who might have a grudge against him would live in his house, free to kill him? Somebody had tried to do so here, which could imply that this somebody was a healer. Sure, it could also be a patient or a patient‘s relative, but could you really rule out it being one of your colleagues? Could you live with the thought that your reluctance could be the reason he died? 

„I assume I have a room of my own if I agree.“ You were sharing a room at the moment, whenever you slept here, but you couldn’t imagine doing it long term. 

„Of course. And you will have my private library to keep you occupied whenever I don’t need help.“ 

You sighed theatrically, but nodded. Actually the library sounded way better than keeping him company here. „Alright. I’ll have to go home and pack a bag, but yeah, I’m your private healer for as long as you need me.“ 

„You’ll come with me?“ 

„Mr. Snape, it would be my honour.“ Then you overthought it and added: „But no biting.“


	13. Severus

Your parents weren’t exactly pleased when you said that you’d move out temporarily. But then again you  had  been an adult in the wizarding world for two years already, so they couldn’t stop you , even if they would have  wanted to . You didn’t tell them exactly in whose house you’d be living though. Not just because of confidentiality of the location itself, but you weren’t sure if your parents would let you go then. Snape was cleared of all charges,  and the word about it was out in the public. Also  your parents were no fanatics in any way . But  still he was a murderer, even if it was mercy killing, asked for by Dumbledore himself. While they would never openly hate on Snape, they would still be too wary to send their child to him. Simply a matter of caution.  Especially given that there was an attack – although it was kept secret who was the target. Still if your parents knew where you would live the next few weeks, they would be able to do the maths.

Getting all the stuff you needed to  Snape’s  house – including the man himself – took quite some time. He was the one who had to apparate you for the first time, both to ensure that his protection spells didn’t harm you and to simply show you, where you had to go to. But to enable him to apparate you, you had  to  almost drown him in potions. And even then he nearly collapsed when he had finally gotten both of you as well as your boss into his house.

You dragged him upstairs to a small bedroom, so he could lie down again and only when he had rested for almost an hour was he strong enough again to include the both of you into his protective spells as well as into those a  Ministry  employee had put up for him.

„I will leave you alone for now.  Each day before I go to Hogwarts I will come over to bring medicine. If there is an emergency, you know where to find me“, Bloomsbury said and vanished into thin air.

„I’ll leave you for a moment as well“, you told Snape and lightly squeezed his hand. „But I’ll be back in a few minutes.“

Only after he had nodded weakly  you disapparated back to your parents’ house.  Longingly you looked to your television and computer.  You  had to keep in mind that you weren’t going away for long. You’d survive without muggle tech, right? You couldn’t take all your belongings with you anyway, so you decided to focus on the most necessary. 

And soon finally it was over and everything you needed was in Snape’s house –  along with  groceries for  the next  few days.  You had to find out how to restock soon, bu t that was an issue you could fix another day. For now all you had to do was settling in.

Slowly you were roaming the house. This was worse than you had imagined it. It was dark and kinda  moldy.  How did he manage to make this house feel like a dungeon as well?

With a sigh  you  used all the basic cleaning spells you knew to at least get rid of the dusk that had spread since the last time Snape had been here – or maybe even longer.  You also hexed away the mold. He was  sick enough without the spores  hurting his lungs.

Finally you  opened the door to what was supposed to be your room.  Cobwebs hung everywhere  and  everything was dark. It smelled like nobody had opened the window in years.  A few spells later though it looked fine, just a little outdated perhaps. And  something else was astonishing.

„My bedroom is bigger than yours. Are you sure that’s right?“, you asked  Snape  when you looked after him a few minutes later.

„I prefer the room I have lived in all my life.  It may be small, but it has always been my safe place. My parents‘ bedroom is filled with memories I would rather not revisit  on a daily basis .“  You knew he had  to dislike his Muggle father, why else would he have even dared to join the ones who despised impure blood? But this sounded like there was more tragedy to it than you had believed. But you wouldn’t ask, this was his  private life and it should remain just that.

„All right, well, than … thank you for your hospitality and…“ You shrugged. Words abandoned you, because this was way weirder than seeing him without pants.  You were in his house,  his flatmate just as much as his healer. You could still remember how he had you scrubbing all the cauldrons for four weeks after he had noticed you were chewing a chewing gum in his class in second year.  You remembered him basically dragging you away when he found you and a (Y/H) snogging a bit too enthusiastically in sixth year. He had not exactly been slut-shaming you, but  he had made clear that you were an immature idiot. Though given how your date hurt you afterwards, maybe he just knew this was going to end in heartbreak? Anyway you had been so scared of this overgrown bat, no matter how much you respected him at the same time. And now here you were, sitting down on the floor next to his small bed. Weird. And yet kinda nice.

„How’re you feeling, Mr. Snape? Should I cook us lunch?“

„Severus.“

„Excuse me?“

„My name is Severus. I believe that after seeing me partly naked and maybe seeing me completely naked soon, assuming that I will have to shower before  I reach my full health again, first name basis is only natural.“

„Y/N“, you replied with a smile, though you assumed, he knew. „Alright, lunch?“

He  nodded  and so you went down into his kitchen to see what you could do.  And how many dead mice you would find in the cupboards, going by the appearance  of the rest of this house. 


	14. What the future might hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Err, well ... I kinda have way too many chapters already written and edited, so ... here are some more.

Days went by with a strict routine of not letting him sleep in too much and then having to entertain him as he got bored easily. Slowly you helped Severus regain some of his strength.  Every day you would go for a small  walk. First you only made it to the stairs, before he‘d  need  to rest his weight on you again  - not that it were much. If you remembered him from class correctly, he must have lost some weight in the last almost twelve months. Or maybe just in the last weeks due to insufferable hospital food?  But with your cooking  he was regaining both weight and  some stamina - if you could call being able to walk a few steps just that -  and  today you  made it to  the small front yard of his house  before his knees started to shake again.  You  accio-d  a chair in which he could rest while you looked around.

You had bought groceries twice, but you had always  apparated  home  for it , because you didn’t have time to lose your way searching for the next supermarket in this town, so you had never  left the house through the door and therefore never  set a foot into the garden until today.

You were stunned by the variety of flowers and herbs  around you.  And then it hit you:  „Potion ingredients. You grow your own plants .” You took a closer look. “ Those … those are rare ones as well.“

„I am – I was potion master  of Hogwarts“, he said as if that would explain everything.  Maybe it did. If he grew ingredients himself, he at least knew where they came from and that no chemicals were used to fertilize them, but the ones he accepted.  Also it saved a lot of money, which probably was ingrained into his very existence, judging by the place he grew up in – and the state of this house.

But one thing disturbed you. His switching to past tense.  „Maybe you’ll be potion master again soon ”, you tried to cheer him up.

Severus looked at you as if you had just put chocolate in a swelling solution. In this moment you were an utter idiot to him.  „Unlikely. Even though Dumbledore‘s portrait might ”, he paused. “ -  and will tell Minerva how it all came to be,  the parents would resist my  ongoing  employment. And I understand them, I’d do so, too.“

You bit your tongue. Those people who didn’t want Severus to teach,  those  were  the real  idiots. Under Dumbledore he had never done anything that was alarming – to those outside the castle, at least. Inside he had been hated by most, you hadn’t been blind to that, but there had never been complaints about his knowledge or the effectiveness of his lessons, had there?  Just about his manners and his blatant favouritism.  Well, maybe you just didn’t notice  any complaints? Back then you didn’t like gossip all that much and tried to focus on your education.

Still,  even if there had been discontentment regarding his work,  under certain restrictions he  still  could be a good teacher even for those who didn’t exactly need his style of teaching.  If somebody  taught him first how to handle annoying teenagers without frightening them half to death or taking more points from them than a house could earn in a millennia, he’d be fine.  And if he could cut back on his biting sarcasm – well, then he’d probably be boring. But at least less students would feel hurt.

Still, you didn’t speak you mind. That probably would be the proverbial finger in the wound  and while by now his darker moods had yet to regain full strength, you didn’t want to be the reason for his brooding.  “So, what are you going to do then? Did you earn enough as a teacher to retire already?”  How much did the teachers earn, anyway? Somehow it was strange that you had never thought about this before. There was only one major school in the United Kingdom, so the teachers would be paid well, wouldn’t they? They had to be the best of the best to work at Hogwarts and you wouldn’t get the best of the best to teach that many hours without help and then even roam the corridors at night to find rule breaking students , basically forcing them to give up any private life like children or relationships, if you didn’t pay good.

Still Severus shook his head.  “No. While I had close to no expenses during the school terms, and the income was far from minimum wage, it would never last  the full statistical span of a wizard’s life.  But who would accept me as an employee? You have seen what happened at Hogwarts when I had just been a patient. Instead of just going after me, whoever attacked hurt other people as well. Only a moron would risk his business on my behalf.”

You kept quiet for a minute, thinking what jobs you could even think of for a man like him.  There were a lot that came to mind.  Then you smiled , because you might have just had found the perfect job.  “Well, I might just know the moron …, though I wouldn’t wanna give you false hope, so let’s just wait until your well again and then I’ll talk to my moron in residence . And if he then wants you to work for him, please don’t tell him I called him just that.”

While he sat in his chair, gathering strength for the walk back to his bed  or to a chair in the library , you tended to his plants that looked a little unkempt. How he managed to grow them at all, being in the castle most of the time, was a mystery to you. At least until it magically rained on them.  And you, but you didn’t care as it was far from being cold today.  “You put spells on them, too? Is there no limit to how many spells one person can uphold? Or how many one can use in a certain area?”

“You should know how to answer questions like this.  Which dunderhead  was your  Defence  against the Dark Arts teacher?”

“ Well, let me think … the last one who taught me Defence? Ah, yes, that  would be you”, you laughed out loud before you could get a grip on yourself.

He glared at you, before his lips twitched traitorous. “To my excuse that was the year in which I had to find a countercurse for what happened to the Headmaster – and failed. I had not fully focussed on teaching your class.” 

“I would never complain. DADA wasn’t exactly my strong point anyway.  I nearly didn’t get the marks I needed for the apprenticeship at Mungo’s.  Herbs, potions, charms … I’ve always been more of a healer than a fighter.” You smiled.  If you were honest, you still hated that Mungo’s forced people to be good at DADA if they wanted to become healers.  Countercurses  were important, sure. But the actual fighting was against the oath you took, so why not having  countercurse  classes during the apprenticeship and ignoring the DADA marks? Anyway, you had made it, so it was a waste of energy to still be mad about that, right?

„Maybe I should make up for my  omission?“  Severus arched a brow. “I could tutor you in everything that I might have forgotten to teach you in school.”

How you would have liked to say yes. To see him back in business, maybe even complete with snarky comments and an overdose of intimidation. Still ...  „You need to rest, Severus. No work until you’re back on your feet.“

He stood up and  gave you a pointed glance .

Against your will you smirked.  „You know, what I mean. You’ve never been a relaxed teacher and I don’t wanna stress you.“ Also you were  a little  afraid you’d embarrass yourself.  Curses  were something practical, so  maybe  you could keep them in mind  if you just had somebody to actually practice them with.  But theoretical knowledge in a subject you never felt comfortable in?  Still, if he were back in good health already, you’d take him up on his offer  instantly.

„I need to keep my mind occupied, or else I’ll go mad“, Severus groaned.

„I’m that boring?“ You were only teasing. Being sick for such a long  t ime would unnerve you as well  probably .

„ I… .“ He was lost for words, looking at you uncertainly.  Curious. Since when did he care if he hurt you?

„Relax, I’m just kidding. And even if you said I were obnoxious, I wouldn’t bite you. It’s not as if we’re here voluntarily, is it? “

„No, no we’re not“, he said and something  indescribable  flickered in his eyes before he looked away. „But … as much as you might hate this assignment or even me, I am … thankful that you’re here.“

Before you could tell him that you hated neither, he had gone inside, faster than he had managed to move ever since he had been bitten. And you were left to stare at the place where he had been only seconds ago. Something ached inside you. You had always thought he hated you – well, until the weekend he had basically called you in. Since then you had  mused  you’d be some kind of specimen for him, something to have fun with, to annoy or tease and see what happens, nothing more. But now he thought you hated him  and it seemed to upset him?  Whatever gave him that impression, you needed to change it.


	15. To the love lost

The next morning you  brought Severus a huge breakfast, lots of unhealthy food, everything he had not been allowed to have – until today.

„What is this? A last meal? Did the  Ministry  renounce the verdict?“  He sounded rather teasing than concerned.

„Bullshit. As if I’d let them kill you .” You winked, which led to Severus looking at you  dumbfoundedly . “ No, this morning will be the last time I’ll  use the salve. Your throat  has finally  healed . That’s all I can do for it .“ You took the ointment and  lightly rubbed it into his skin. His throat still showed signs of the cut and bites, white scar tissue that would never go away. But it didn’t feel hot anymore.  Instead it was smooth and almost as flexible as normal tissue.  „Looks good. Better than I had imagined possible the day I first saw it. Still I’m sorry I couldn’t have healed it completely when I was in that shack. If only I had had more time.“  But in a way you liked the scar. In a bizarre way it was beautiful, not that you’d ever admit it to him, let alone yourself.

„You saved my life. That is more than I have ever thought possible. I always knew, once I fulfilled my duty of  defeating  the Dark Lord, I would die, one way or another.“

„And yet you’re here. D‘you still wanna die once this is over?“  This question had bugged you ever since he hinted that he might have liked to die. You had no idea what his life had been like – well, by now you at least had some idea. But wasn’t there still something worth living for, even for him?

Severus stayed quiet for a long while, silence pressing into your ears, making your skin itch with tension. “I’m not sure”, he finally confessed.  “It might sound ungrateful, but  I have no real reason to go on living. My task is fulfilled and I have given this society more than my fair share over the years , or so it feels.  While I might not have been a good man, I have given up much, lost other things and risked my life along the way so often, that it would be a miracle that I’m still  alive  if it weren’t for simple cheating.”

You smirked. “You have no idea. It wasn’t simple at all. I had to do so many jumps, to find out where I had to be when exactly. And to slip potions into your morning drink  without being noticed , so that your body would be ready to fight for itself.”

„Not my point right now“, he chastised you. „What I am trying to say is, that I have given this world so much that I am not sure I have anything left to give. And I don’t know if I want to keep giving at all . What for? I once had a reason to hold on to life, a reason to give all I could. But I can find no reason for it now, not any longer.“

You nodded. It was understandable, this point of view. He just forgot a little something: „Maybe it’s time that you don’t have to give anymore? That you should be on the receiving side of life from now on?“

He bit into his crunchy toast, chewing theatrically as if to annoy you. After swallowing he shook his head. „Life does no longer have anything I wish to be receiving. I do not care for riches, not after I learned that rich people tend to live in constant fear of losing their privileges to the poorer, therefore transforming into the worst  people  they could be.“

„What about love? Family? Or maybe knowledge? There’s so much more to explore, so many countries and spells and possible potions.“

„Love has died a long time ago.“

That hurt. And you could not even pinpoint the exact reason why.  You took his hand and squeezed it. „I will ask you a question now and you are allowed to be angry with me. You are allowed to hate me for asking and you don’t have to answer me. Just think about it silently and whichever answer you will find for yourself is valid and fine, right?“

Severus arched a brow. „You are beginning to worry me.“

„No reason“, you assured , though you weren’t as sure as you wanted him to think.  „Just … has love died for you for good, because you truly can’t fall in love again, which, again, is valid and alright, or are you maybe just afraid of falling in love once more?“

„What is there to be afraid for?“, he asked, his voice even darker than usual. Maybe you had already hit home.

„Many things. Rejection. Getting hurt again. Having to change your life a little to even make room for somebody else in it. Losing that someone  one day.  Or maybe just feeling like you would be cheating on this first love of yours, feeling you are not allowed to love or be loved? There are so many things one can fear when it comes to love . And I think most of us do fear them.“

Again he kept quiet for a while, eating thoughtfully while furrowing his brows.  You could see is brain work. Still you  merely began eating your own breakfast, not really waiting for an answer. Instead you opened the book you had put on his bedside table for moments like this and began reading.


	16. Muscles and sweat

„Today we’ll start with physical therapy“, you told Severus after breakfast.  He still hadn’t said another word. He must have had quite a lot to think about, if he kept quiet that long.  „It’s time to build up your muscles again. And get the blood running. “

„I thought that was what we were going for a walk for.“

„In a way. But now you should start with real work outs. Don’t worry, I’ll be there to guide you and catch you, if you fall.“ Probably not the best thing to tell a man, especially somebody as aloof and proud as Snape was before he had to accept you helping him at all. „So, we’ll dress you in something a little more comfortable than your average clothes and then it’s off to sports.“

He groaned but didn’t fight you when you fished  a  ragged old  jogging suit out of his cupboard and helped him put it on. It hang on him like a sack, mostly because of his weight loss during the last few weeks. And Severus looked really terrible in those clothes, a stark contrast to the sharply dressed man you had gotten to know as your teacher, but also to the man only wearing a buttoned shirt and trousers in hospital.

You had found an old blanket in the towel cupboard. It wasn’t exactly a yoga mat, but it would have to be enough for today. And soon Severus was on the blanket on the floor , do ing light medical gymnastics.  He looked so concentrated that you had to burst out laughing.

„You realize revenge is a dish best served cold?“, he glared at you , his voice low and warning.

„Right now I’m the one serving dishes“, you reminded him  with a grin.  „It’s just … you don’t have to be so  grimly determined.  Don’t stress yourself out with this, just relax. I could look for music to motivate you and make you enjoy this, if you want?“

„I respectfully decline.  Well, maybe not exactly respectfully.” This time he grinned, though it looked a little …  dark-ish . If you didn’t know him better by now, you would have thought it a hidden threat. “ There is nothing you can do to make me enjoy this. I have never liked physical strain  like this  and I never will. But as I know it’s necessary, I will surrender myself to the task of doing this ridiculous movements.“

It was a pity you couldn’t think of any sports he might actually enjoy that he was already well enough for.  One day  you two could dance, for example, he was healthy enough again, that you could go back to St. Mungo‘s.  Just that he would not want to dance with you once he could get rid of you, would he? 

And for most fun activities you would have to leave the safety of his house. Something you couldn’t even do if he was healthy enough to walk longer distances. Well, you could, he was no prisoner. But you would never suggest it.  Especially not since you didn’t look forward to be rejected.

„It’s said that working out makes people happy“, you tried to cheer him up and motivate him.

„Whoever said that, is  either stupid or  lying. Probably somebody trying to sell anything sports related?“

Still Severus obeyed your every command and  made it through his first gymnastics session. He looked sweaty and tired afterwards, but he had been better and stronger than you had anticipated.

„Now, tell me, how do you feel? Any pain?  Tingling anywhere from  blood  not reaching certain areas?“ Who  knew  which damage the venom had done to his veins?  Better safe than sorry, right?

„I feel sticky. I would like to shower, but at the same time I feel to o  tired to do so. “

„I could help you.“ It wasn’t the first time after all. You two had a little routine of him sitting on a stool in the shower, back to you – even now he didn’t seem to like seeing him naked – and you helping him soaping his back and shampooing his hair. You had grown to like it. Especially his hair, as it didn’t get greasy that soon nowadays. You wondered if it had looked so … well, far from beautiful because he was in a room with steaming cauldrons all day long.

Severus  rolled his eyes. „I have finally managed to stay on my own feet for more than a few minutes. Now that I have found the strength  I prefer not to make myself more dependent on you as necessary .“

„You do know that I do not mind, do you?  You don’t just decline because you think this is awkward for me?“  Why were you fighting so hard for this? It was not a loss if you hadn’t had to help him anymore, was it? 

„Still it is awkward for me“, he reminded you and you nodded.

„I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. Is there anything else I can do for you at the moment, then ? Helping you sit on a chair, or … anything ?“ You  wondered how you would fare in his situation. You  had a hard time, picturing yourself  like this.  Severus seemed so different. There were no friends to visit him while he was sick – and you guessed it was not just because he had to keep himself safe from unwanted visitors. And he didn’t even have a telly in his bedroom , not even in his living room.  What did this man do for fun? Even reading got boring if you did nothing else every once in a while. And now he was lying on the floor – though on the blanket – and couldn’t even stand up to do anything, he couldn’t even get himself a book if he wanted, until he had rested long enough to feel up to standing again? He needed you for every little thing – except using the loo by now.

“Just … leave me alone for a while, will you?”

“Sure. Just alone in the room or should I leave the house?” You hadn’t been outside much, so you wouldn’t mind if he needed a little more privacy than usual. But it was his decision if he felt up to staying alone for a while.

He shrugged. “Go for a walk, visit you parents, whatever.  I just … need a moment …” Now you would have sworn to hear pleading in his voice. Hidden beneath a layer of not caring. But you got the impression that he really wanted to be alone. 

You nodded and left the room. After picking up some things from your bedroom, you disapparated to spend a short time at home, grounding yourself and having somebody to look after you instead of the other way around for a while.  Still you had a bad feeling leaving him alone like this. What if he had gotten into a bad mood? What if YOU had gotten him into one?


	17. Meltdown

Once  you came back to the small working-class house again, y ou were just about to make Severus and yourself a tea when y ou heard a loud thud. And another one. You raced up the stairs and rushed into his bedroom – the blanket was still  on the floor , but the room was empty.

Frantically you looked around, when yet another thud could be heard , as well as muffled swearing . You followed the sound and found Severus in the bathroom, lying naked on the floor. His usually white face was red with anger and when he noticed you, he first froze and then, after a heartbeat, snapped. “Get out!”

“Severus...” You  bend forward ,  reaching out  to help him get up. Surely he could not want you to get out for real, when he clearly just had an accident, could he?

He leaned away from your touch,  as  though the movement seemed to inflict pain.  “Get out, you ... obnoxious -” A pause. Then, almost hesitantly: “-  bitch .” Severus continued like before, anger audible in his voice: “This is all your fault.  GET .  OUT!”

For a moment you just stared at him, while your brain was still processing the words.  Had he really just insulted you?  Then you turned on your heels and slammed the door shut on your way outside. You stopped in the garden and hadn’t realized until now that you had begun crying , although you didn’t know why. That was hardly the worst anyone has ever called you.

Still, in  some ways this was relieving. While you enjoyed caring for people, and had enjoyed your time with Severus in particular until today, you had been under so much stress lately. No free days, housemaid duties added to your normal ones, nobody to talk to but him, and having the responsibility for a human life while still being a trainee has put a lot of strain on you. Crying lifted the weight of your shoulders, at least a little.

But at the same time the weight on your heart seemed to intensify.  Obviously  you had been the only one enjoying your forced flatmate status. The only one liking the other, clearly misunderstanding his words yesterday.  Obviously  he hated you. He had been mature enough not to show it until today, but his words  just a few minutes back  had been clear, hadn’t they?

Hadn’t they? !  While your tears started to dry, you thought about the situation. Severus had been naked, hurt, probably frustrated and ashamed. He had mentioned earlier that it was awkward having you help him and now there he was, unable to help himself with something so mundane as taking a shower. That didn’t make it okay to snap and become hurtful, downright insulting. But would you have been able to control your anger? After weeks of being weak, not being able to do much more than a baby? Were you projecting again? Or could it be that he only hurt you because he couldn’t stand himself anymore? Hurt you before his own emotional pain became even stronger because you saw him in a situation like this and reminded him of what had happened?

Still, you didn’t want to go back in just yet,  didn’t want to face him to have your suspicions verified or falsified. You wanted to spend a while in justified anger before you had to think about if you could forgive him – if he even wished for forgiveness.  S o  you started to work in the garden, ripping out dandelions and other plants that did not belong among his precious potion ingredients. You didn’t use your wand. Instead you let the physical work cleanse your emotional turmoil.

When you went back in about an hour later, y ou also took your time to clean your nails, bent over the kitchen sink. You let him stew for as long as you could take it yourself. Finally y ou  went upstairs and  lightly knocked on the bathroom door, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

“Come in.” It was only a murmur.

You entered the room and saw him still sitting on the floor, although he had a towel  draped  over his lap  now . His back was rested against the wall of his tub.  _ He must be freezing by now _ , you thought. Sliding down the door frame, you sat down opposite of him.

“I had not expected to see you again”, he said. He sounded tired, hell, he even looked tired.  And maybe his eyes were a little red? But maybe you were just projecting once again.

“I can leave for good, if that’s really what you want. I -”

“No!” Just a syllable, but spoken with such vehemence that even Severus looked surprised.

You smiled. “Good. Because I don’t want to leave, either.”

Severus shook his head. He seemed to be searching for words, but not finding the right ones. Finally he said: “It’s what I do. I hurt people when I’m at my lowest. I didn’t mean to …  I had thought after so many years of Occlumency I would be in control of this urge as well as my emotions.”

“But right now you’re physically and psychologically weakened”, you reminded him. 

“No reason to snap at you.” 

“No, it is not!”

He stared at his feet. “I … apologize.”

“A pology a ccepted. ” In the end it felt so easy to forgive. “ Though, let me ask. Am I really this bad? Am I obnoxious?”

His lip twitched lightly.  A good sign, you thought.  “There are moments when you are utterly annoying. But I assume the same can be said for me. And you are just doing your job. While I might hate being pampered, you merely do it because you were told so.”

“By Merlin, yes, there are moments I really  wanna  strangle you”, you laughed , verifying his guess . “But … I  gotta  confess I might pamper you a little more than necessary. But you know what?”

“Go on.” He was looking at you expectantly.

“I do so, not because I get high on power or something like that. I do so because I  found I actually  care for you.”

He blinked. Opened his mouth and closed it again. Blinked some more. “Why?”, he finally asked, his face still showing utter confusion.

Good question. Did you really have a reason?  And did you really want to think about it too deeply?  “I don’t know. At first you really don’t seem very likeable, to be frank. But now that you’re no longer an authority figure for me, us being more on an eye to eye level? I find that sometimes you can make me smile. And I find myself emotionally invested in your future.” 

Still he looked confused. What had happened to him in life when he could not even understand that people might like him? It spoke volumes of his past and made you like him even more. Although you should probably never tell him that for a second you compared him to a puppy that had only gotten kicked in his life until today. He sure wouldn’t like being called a puppy.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because by saving your life I made you my responsibility. But on the way I also grew to like you as a person, not just as an interesting story. Does that sound strange?”

“Indeed, it does .” He arched a brow. Hell, why did his dark eyes hold that much sass in them? You were torn between melting and laughing at the look he gave you. “ But I appreciate the sentiment.”

You  managed just to smile at him.  “Alright, let’s get you up on your feet again, okay? And I assume you have some bruises I should take care of.”

“I slipped, fell and landed on my bottom  - more than once, to be exact.  But my legs were too exhausted to stand up. Therefore I assume to take care of my bruises, you will have to exam my … backside.”

“Right, so let’s get you to your bed, then, so you can lie down while I do my job by looking at your butt.” You chuckled, only for him to give you a fondly exasperated glance.  “I could think of worse ways to spend a day”, you teased and laughed at his now confused face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at angst, so sorry for not really wallowing in it. (I wish I could, though. Leaving you with an angsty cliffhanger. But ... not my forte.)


	18. Unexpected visit

It is said that the more you grow to enjoy something, the more time slips away. And the more you tried to cling to a moment, the faster it escaped you.

After that little confrontation in the bathroom your time together got more enjoyable. You joined in on his gymnastics, so that he would no longer feel as if he made a spectacle of himself only to be judged by you, and he told you when to pamper him a little less. You both found a routine of work and leisure together that you had really grown to like.

When you woke up not to the sound of your alarm spell, but to the lingering fragrance of coffee, you noticed how fast time had escaped you. If it wasn’t you down in the kitchen  - and you were sure that you hadn’t managed to brew coffee while sleepwalking -,  this meant that Severus was already healthy enough again to do some domestic tasks.

Usually you would shower and dress long before he awoke, but today you just moved downstairs in your pajamas.

Severus stood in front of the stove, a bowl of a bright  semi-liquid  substance in one hand, a pan in the other.

„Morning. I didn’t even know you could cook“, you said and sat down at the table with a ginormous yawn.  You had gotten used to not asking him if he needed help. When he really did, he had learned to ask for it, ever since his little accident in the shower.

„I have cooked liquids  called potions  for a living ever since I graduated, you might remember?“ He didn’t even turn around, but the tone in his voice made clear he thought you were a dunderhead. By now you had learned that this was by far the fondest of his words for describing people. Those he called dunderhead he usually didn’t hate.

„Cooking and brewing are two different things, at least to me“, you told him. „Especially since cooking recipes are less exact.“

„That much is true“, he agreed, sneering when he let a pancake slip on his plate that was a little too dark.

„So, you’re more of a sweet person in the morning? Had you told me so, I wouldn’t have made you English breakfast that often.“

„I have never been  nor  will  I ever  be sweet“, Severus stated pointedly. While you laughed at his statement, he added: „I have no special preference for one or the other. Just today I felt like making pancakes. And they are easier to produce than a  complete English dish. Only one food component , which can partially be created while being seated,  and a topping that you can buy, like syrup or marmalade.“

He was right, of course. And the smell of the pancake he now put on your plate was heavenly.

You got two mugs out of the cupboard and filled them with coffee, each the way you, respectively Severus preferred it, then you sat down again.

Before the next pancake was done, though, Bloomsbury appeared with a soft sound. Ever since Severus didn’t need the salve anymore, your boss had had no reason to see how it was going, so his arrival came as a surprise and you squeaked in surprise.

Severus turned around to see why you sounded like a pig in front of a blood dripping  butcher’s knife , then rolled his eyes when he saw Bloomsbury.

Your boss took in the room and sighed. “You do realize that it was your job to take care of Mister Snape, not the other way around, Miss L/N?”

Before you could answer, Severus spoke: “She does.  This is my choice of physical therapy and I had not asked in advance. I’m sick of bedrest and of this annoying spasms you call sports.”

You wanted to object that this was in no way physical therapy, but then you saw Severus turn the pancake in one smooth movement of his arm, the pancake turning around, flying in the air, and you forgot your objection. Not just because this probably took quite some effort and  control and  therefore built up muscles in arm , shoulders  and upper back, but also because you were mesmerized by how graceful he could move if he wanted.  You bit your lip. Nowadays this happened a little too often. You were beginning to acknowledge parts of him as beautiful. Not the most professional behaviour.

“Anyway. I would like to take a full exam to evaluate if you still need a healer of your own. If you would follow me to a bedroom, please?”

You rolled your eyes. Did this man really think, Severus still had anything to hide from you when it came to his body? You knew he didn’t like being seen naked, sure. But this one time with him not even being weak and in need of help, wouldn’t make such a difference. Still you didn’t say anything about that. Instead you just suggested: “I’ll take care of the pancakes as long as you’re gone. I can’t promise you I’m good at it, but it’s still better than leaving the pan unsupervised.” Turning to Bloomsbury you added: “And boss, I’d like to have a few words with you afterwards, if you have the time? I think I have a good idea, but … I’d like to discuss it with you.” Although the idea felt better with every passing day you let it ripen in your head.

By the time both men came back, you had used all the dough and the pancakes were already on the plates. Severus walked a little stiffly and looked murderous, but he didn’t say a word. Instead he drowned his now cold coffee and began eating.  You wondered what Bloomsbury had done to lead  to another episode of brooding(tm). 

You didn’t ask, but followed your boss into the living room.  “What is this idea you wanted to talk about, Miss L/N?”, he asked, before you could even breathe in.

“You once told me that after the battle we have a severe lack of potion suppliers,  but can’t afford assigning healers to the job as we’re also understaffed. Is  this still the current situation?”

He nodded. “Go on.”

“Well, here we have a former potion master .” You pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “ One, that I assume even knows how to brew the Wolfsbane potion. Surely you remember the outcry when parents found out that one of our teachers had been a werewolf? Nothing had ever happened, so I think it’s safe to assume somebody brewed the potion for him.”

“You want me to employ Mr. Snape?”, he asked, first a little shocked. But then his head seemed to start working.

“He’d have to work from home as long as he’s still in danger of  any  mad people wanting to take revenge on him. But he’s got a little lab in the basement and … I think it would enhance his healing if he had something to look forward to. Something to give him a reason to fight, other than just getting me off his back.” You smiled sadly. In this moment it hit you, that your time here would end sooner or later. And since Severus was now strong enough to make himself food, you assumed, it was rather sooner than later.

“And he is the one who taught most of our suppliers how to brew, so he is competent enough”, Bloomsbury mused. “You might be right. We would have to use a pseudonym in our staff department, so that nobody can find him by looking up his address in our files. But that should be easy to accomplish.” 

“Exactly. So you’ll think about it?”

“I will not only think about it, I will have you bring him the contract at the beginning of next week. From then on you will only visit him once every two days for his physical therapy and you will continue your apprenticeship at St. Mungo’s.”

Your heart sank. So your time here was coming to an end even sooner than you had anticipated.  It was normal for an apprentice to get such short notice when it came to new assignments – unless in the mental ward. But this was a little too short notice, given that you were living here. And you noticed something else: “St.  Mungo’s? Is Hogwarts cleared then?”

He nodded.  “Hogwarts has been cleared a week ago and is now being reconstructed as a school so that in 1999 it can be reopened.” Bloomsbury looked around and scrunched his nose before going on:  “You are relieved of your duties here  as of  today and until Monday you have the resting days you have missed with your assignment here.”

“Hold on. I am to leave here today?” You were positively shocked. “Who’ll take care of Se... Mr. Snape then?”

„His muscles seem to be that sore  from sports  that he  should take a rest for  a few days  anyway. But he is able to take care  of  himself as he had demonstrated this morning “, Bloomsbury said and you bit down all the words that went through your head, because all of them might have costed you your job.

„Understood“, you only replied and saw him disappear  with a single nod .


	19. This is the end, my only friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the 'The Doors' song.

Your head was racing, spinning and you knew you would need a minute until you felt up to facing Severus again. You opened a window and breathed in and out to calm down. If you were at home, you might have broken something to feel better. But even with Reparo at hand you didn’t want to throw something at the wall that didn’t belong to you. 

Finally you settled for kicking his chair. Unexpectedly strong pain rushed through your toes and you bit your lip so you wouldn’t cry. In a way it felt like a relief, but this feeling died soon when you noticed that the pain wasn’t getting any better. 

You wanted to grab your wand to heal what you assumed was a broken bone, but your pyjamas had no pockets and – hold on, you had talked to your boss still wearing your pjs? The day got worse and worse. 

You hopped back to the kitchen on one leg and sat down on your chair. „Might I borrow your wand for a second?“, you asked Severus. „Mine is upstairs and I’m not sure I can get there right now.“ Okay, you could, probably. But hopping up stairs on just one foot wasn’t exactly your idea of early-morning exercise. 

He stared at you, then looked down on your naked foot with its now crooked toe. With a sigh he simply murmured a spell himself and you felt the bones align and the pain subside. „What have you done now?“ 

„Hey, I’m not as clumsy as you picture me. It was just one time I screwed up badly and dyed your robes.“ 

„I had to buy a new set because even with potions I could not clean the mess you made.“ 

Interesting. So you had at least brewed something quite potent back then. If only you could remember what exactly you had done, maybe somebody would know how to put it to good use. “You were the one breaking your tailbone, Mister”, you reminded him. “So I’m not the only one who’s clumsy around here. But … this time it was on purpose. Kinda. I wanted to destroy something.“ 

Severus blinked, slowly. You had never seen anybody blink sarcastically, until today. „And you chose yourself.“ 

„I chose to put my anger into a movement that felt purging, but wouldn’t destroy anything.“ 

“Clearly you miscalculated”, Severus stated. Captain Obvious to the rescue. „Might I ask the cause of your anger?“ 

Didn’t Bloomsbury tell him? Did he actually leave that to you, that heartless son of a banshee? Or did he tell Severus? Did Severus just feel nothing at the thought of being alone from now on? Only one way to find out. „From now on you no longer have a personal healer. Both of us are told to rest for a few days and from Monday on I‘m supposed to come over here every two days for your therapy. But that’s it. I’m to leave. Today. Basically now.“ 

„I see. He must have forgotten to tell me.“ Severus‘ voice sounded a little colder than his new usual, but maybe you were just imagining things. Still it looked like he had put up a mask so you wouldn’t be able to read his face. “He was likely to occupied with all the unnecessary exams he chose to take.” 

Interesting. Unnecessary exams then. Maybe that was the reason why he had walked that stiffly earlier. “Do I want to ask?” 

“You would not get an answer.” 

“That bad, huh? Okay. But I’ll remind you of that whenever you complain I’m a pain in the ass as a healer.” 

Severus swallowed. “Believe me, you are not. He is. In the truest sense of the word.” 

“Too much information”, you chuckled, but sobered quickly. Poor guy. It wasn’t as if you had never had to exam anyone’s prostrate or other … areas in proximity before. But you had never done so with Severus and you were rather sure that you’d draw the line here. There was only so much a former teacher should have to endure from his former student. On the other hand – if the alternative was Bloomsbury, you maybe would have preferred to do it yourself. And in a way you guessed Severus would have chosen you as well. Now that was a weird thought. And one you would try to bury in your subconscious for the rest of your life. 

“Will you still eat your breakfast?”, Severus asked, after a short moment of silence. 

“Sure. I … Damn.” You didn’t know the words to explain, what you were thinking or feeling. You didn’t even know what you were thinking. 

“Don’t worry, I am a grown man and I know how to take care of myself. You will not leave behind a man in any need of immediate help.” 

You took a bite of your pancake. It was cold, of course. Still it tasted fine. But it couldn’t fill the hole starting to grow inside you. “You’re also a man with a job, if you want to”, you finally said, when you couldn’t stand the silence anymore. In a way you hoped that the news would cheer him up. Or you. “St. Mungo’s needs good potion suppliers. Bloomsbury wants you. Can you do the Wolfsbane potion as well?” 

Severus nodded. “I can. And I can do most potions better than people working by the original recipes. But I am unsure if I want to work for this man.” 

“He’s not that bad. Well, he is, but … St. Mungo’s pays good and he’s just the one suggests you, not your actual boss.. But in a way we’d be colleagues then.” 

“And I should feel about being colleagues … how exactly?” 

Ouch. You sighed and shook your head. Sometimes talking to Severus felt as if you’d rather be chewing broken glass. As if that would hurt less, be less straining. “Forget I mentioned it”, you mumbled, unsure if he could even hear you. 

“I will think about it. And … thank you. I assume this was your idea”, Severus finally said. “Do you need help with your luggage?” 

You searched for his eyes, looked for something that told you he didn’t want you to go. But whatever he might feel, he seemed to have put up his Occlumency shields, because his face still rather looked like a mask to you. “No, thank you. But … I’ll leave you my address, okay? If you don’t feel up to doing something important or don’t want to risk going out and getting groceries, send me an owl.” 

“I do not own an owl. To send you one I would have to leave my house and walk among wizards. Surely that would not be the best idea?” 

He was right. You wanted to strangle him for his sarcasm, but he was right. You had never seen an owl around. „You’re not making it easy, you know? You hate being pampered, I get it. But I can’t just leave you with no means of getting help if you ever find yourself needing it. Or means of reaching out if you ever grow tired of being alone. You know, if you ever wish to, you have a friend in me.“ 

The mask fell apart and Severus looked at you unblinkingly. „That would make you my only friend“, he finally said. „The only one I have not yet killed.“ 

„Well, I’d prefer to keep the not having been killed part this way, but, yeah. As I said, only if you want.” He didn’t say a thing, so you went on: “I’ll go pack my stuff and dress.“ 

You lightly brushed his shoulder on your way out and went upstairs. Tears threatened to fall and you didn’t want him to see you this weak. Especially since you didn’t want him to ask why exactly leaving him hurt you that you had to fight back the tears in the first place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm actually very nearly done with the first draw of this fic. 50k words. I only need to edit the remaining 19 chapters and fill a few tiny blanks. So I guess you'll get more than a chapter per week from now on until we're through with this here. :)


	20. Flatmates

It didn’t help, though. When you made your way downstairs, your eyes were still reddened and not even splashing cold water  on  your face had helped. Actually it had worsened the problem.

The strap of your bag hung over your shoulder you  made  your way back to the kitchen to find Severus stare at the wall. Or maybe into nothingness that just was in the same direction as the wall?

When he heard you enter, he jerked a little. „I may have a proposition for you“, he then said, not turning to you.

„Shoot.“ Whatever it was, it couldn’t make the day get any worse, so you had nothing to lose.

„You have made it quite clear that you do not like the thought of leaving. And while I would deny  I have ever said anything alike, I do not like the thought of being alone to stew in self - pity  either. Also  I assume as a trainee you may not earn enough money to buy or rent you a house of your own?“  Only now did he turn to you.

You shook your head. While you earned enough to afford a small flat, you hadn’t wanted to move out temporarily when you could have stayed with your parents until you were a fully trained healer. Why move in a tiny flat when at home you had a lot of space, a garden and a mother you could ask to wash your robes if you had to work double shifts and couldn’t find the time to do it yourself?

„While my house is neither big nor in a good state, you would have a  large  bedroom and as much privacy as you wish. We would share the laboratory in the basement  so you could study for your exams. Of course we would also share  the living room, bathroom, kitchen and library, though I would agree to giving you the library and storing my books in my own bedroom and the living room, if you need more space?“

„You want a flatmate? Permanently?“ You arched both brows and shrugged.  You had never really thought about it. While you knew the day would come that Severus was healthy enough again to be left alone, you had never really thought about what you would do after that. It had always felt like your time here would never end, although it could be over every day. But turning it into a permanent arrangement?  „I’m not sure. I mean, yeah, I don’t want to go. But living here how long? Forever? Wouldn’t that  be awkward? I mean, at least I couldn’t bring friends home with me, because your location is … well, maybe no longer classified, but still, it‘d be too much of a risk.“  You didn’t add that you were still young and there might come the day you could actually spend the night with somebody. In your own bed. And that this might be a little awkward if you had a flatmate who had to listen to you. This wasn’t anything you felt you could talk to him about.

A shadow moved over Severus‘ face. You hoped you hadn’t said anything wrong. „I had forgotten, that you young people have something like that.“

You gulped. Of course he was talking about friends. He had said that if you two were anything like that, you’d be his only friend. „Yeah, well, … but I don’t usually bring them home to my parents‘ either, so,  there actually is no  difference“, you tried to  console  him. You had always thought that moving out would provide you with more freedom. Not that you didn’t like living with your parents, you did. You got along fine. But living with another being always came with compromises to make and living with your parents was no different  at all, it seemed.  „Tell me about the other  formalities . How  much rent do you want? Any rules?“

„I don’t want any rent from you. I would have to ask you to be the one buying both groceries and my ingredients, as I don’t think it’s safe for me to go outside just yet. But you will only pay what you cost, you pay your food, half of the water bill, …“

„Electricity?“

Severus thought for a moment. „We  do  have power lines , that much I know..  I am unsure though, if they are still working. I have not used electricity here ever since my father died. But maybe they never sent a bill  only  because I never had anything to pay for?“

„And if the house is disconnected that could be undone easily. Then I’ll make the contract, so that your name doesn’t pop up too often. I mean, I guess, I’d be the only one using the telly anyway. ” You wondered if there was a way around it, though. Magic made so many things possible, surely there was a way to create electricity with a spell? If only in a way of hexing wind to power a wind turbine?  There had to be other wizards that liked muggle tech and found a way around having to pay for electricity.  “ What about a phone line?  Do you have one ?  “ 

„What would a witch need a phone line for? We can apparate, send patronuses, …“ 

„You’ve never heard of the internet? Oh, dear.“ In short words you described him what the internet was and how it was used. “Right now you can send emails, buy books, do research and read some newspapers online, but people assume that the net might get bigger in time. Who knows what will be possible in the  future.  They already put pictures and texts online, maybe one day we’ll be able to watch movies there instead of going to the  cinema?“  Though you hoped until then the net would be faster. Showing a single picture on a website already took minutes of loading. Who knew how long you had to wait for a movie then? ‚Darling, start the computer, in three weeks our monthly girls night will be over here and we  wanna  watch a movie.‘

„And you think it is necessary to have this  internet?“  Severus looked sceptical and you didn’t blame him. While you liked it, the internet was not exactly a big part of your life. Especially since the wizarding community hadn’t found its way there yet . You’d never be able to understand how other wizard families could stand a life without any muggle technology.

„Nah, just checking what could be possible here, not saying I have to have internet access if I move in.“

„Then we will talk about this issue if the necessity is given.“

You nodded. „Okay. So shared lab, so that I can study for my practical exams in healing potions, I do the shopping,  I pay half the bills for water and so on,  anything else?“

„I will do most of the  housework. I know the spells and I have done all of this ever since I was old enough to use magic outside school.“

Wouldn’t stop you from observing him to learn them yourself, you decided. One day you probably would go separate ways and on that day you had to know how to really take care of yourself. It wouldn’t hurt to learn it from somebody who never had any help with this.

“What about redecoration?”, you asked. His parents’ old bedroom was … well, old. The wallpaper was coming off in parts and the curtains were downright awful. Nothing too bad if you just stayed for a few weeks, but if you were planning on staying months, maybe even the year and a bit until your final exams, you needed to do something about it.

“The room is yours to do as you please. In  fact  I would prefer some changes to it.” Right, he had said he hated the room because of the memories he had made inside it, you remembered. “As for the other rooms we would have to agree on a new look, but I am open for suggestions.”

You hadn’t expected him to be willing to actually change that much. But maybe you would take him up on that offer one day. While you had gotten rid of the  mold  when you first came here and this house no longer held a threat against anybody’s health, it still looked shabby.  „Right, well, agreed then.“

He looked at you, his face unmoved, urging you to go on.  Did he really need more than that? Well, you didn’t mind spelling everything out for him, but it was astonishing that a man that quiet needed to hear everything out loud.

„I’ll move in. Or rather I won’t move out again, for the moment. We’ll see how long this will work out, but this way I can be sure somebody is there for you if yo u‘re having any setbacks. “ And this way you could be sure, he would not drown in depression or become suicidal. Not that you really knew what you were supposed to do then. You weren’t training to become a psychological healer, you were specialising in medical emergencies. Still, it was better that you’d be around instead of nobody at all.

„Thank you“, he murmured and you smiled.

„No, thank you.“ You didn’t specify. Maybe he knew that you’d go mad with worry if he were to be all alone. Hopefully he knew. „Okay, now I just need to find a way to tell my parents. ”

Severus arched a brow. "What exactly is wrong about telling them you are moving in with a colleague? If I sign the contract, it would not be a lie exactly. “ 

You nodded.  But telling them they weren’t allowed to come over? That could turn out to be a problem. But telling the truth was out of question.  Though you already had an idea.  „I’ll get it over with now, and start moving the rest of my stuff. Can I leave you alone for a short while?“

„What am I? A baby?“

You shook your head with an exasperated huff. „I’ll take that as a yes,  then.“  Again you lightly patted his shoulder, not knowing why the heck you were doing anything like this, before you disapparated.

It wasn’t exactly easy to convince your parents. Or rather your mother, as your father had already left for work. Unfortunately, since he was easier to persuade, while your mother was … fierce.  „So, you are moving out“,  she  repeated , what you had told her at least three times by now . „But to a colleague who doesn’t want any visitors?“

You  bit  your lip and nodded. It hadn’t been that hard to come up with a story.  Actually  it wasn’t a real story, it was the truth, just lacking the names. „He’s still afraid somebody might hunt him down for taking a stand against you know who. There have been death threats, you know , even an attack against the Hogwarts hospital outpost.  He played a more active part than most of us over at Mungo‘s and … well, he doesn’t want anyone to know his address , until at least the culprit of the last attack has been caught . This had nothing to do with you.“

„If he doesn’t want anyone to know the address, why does he want you  around?“  Sometimes you thought your mother had missed her calling. She could have been an excellent prosecutor.

You sighed, repeating what you had already told her. „He inherited a house and  you probably know  it’s a little expensive to own a house alone.  So  I’ll help with paying half of the heating costs that he has anyway , half of the land tax, and so on .  That takes the edge of the costs.  And we’ll share the chores, so after work neither of us will be too exhausted. Look, I can afford it and this way you and dad finally get some  privacy.“  Didn’t parents just wait for their children to move out, so they could … Well, you actually didn’t want to think about that. But if you had a husband, you wouldn’t want anyone around all the time. You’d be glad to have some time for just the two of you.

Your mother frowned. You could tell she still hated the thought of you moving into the unknown.  And she knew she  couldn’t actually hold you back, but she could try and had done so for over an hour now.  Still, you finally had the feeling she was about to give up.

„I’ll just try. One day I will live a life of my own. And I have to learn how to take care of me without you two. There I have the chance to do so with a safety belt. If I screw up, I’m not  alone.“  You took your mother’s hands and clenched them. „Everything will be fine. If I can’t stand having a flatmate, I can always come back home. And I’ll come to dinner as often as you want me.  I p romise. Just … little birds have to jump out of the nest to learn how to fly. This is me jumping. It’s time for my first  flight.“

„You may be right ”, your mother said reluctantly.  “ And in a way I’m proud of you. I just mistrust people I am not allowed to meet.  I can’t even come over and help you move in. “

You smiled and hugged her. „One day I’ll get him to meet you. One day he’ll be ready to leave his little cocoon again. He just needs to  feel  save  again.“  And for his sake, just as much as for yours, you hoped that  day  would come soon. It made you uneasy to know that there was somebody out there still willing to kill. But you that you would not tell your mother, otherwise she would never let you go.

„You take care of yourself, will you?  If you need anything, send me your owl. I don’t care that this man wants to protect his privacy. If you need me, I’ll be there.” She paused, before adding: “ And darling, if this man is a boyfriend, I expect to meet him. Soon. No matter what he’s afraid of.“


	21. Minister

When you got  to your new  home with some of your  remaining  luggage, there was a black wizard sitting in your kitchen. He wore fanciful robes and a strange hat you had never seen before. He just sat there, sipping tea or coffee , not even noticing you.

You  sat down your bags,  drew your wand and inche d  closer as  quietly as  possible.

„Now  now , we must not threaten the  Ministe r of  M agic, Miss L/ N“ , Severus voice came from behind you, making you jump  and actually squeak . He smirked , satisfied with himself that evil bastard.

His guest turned and smiled at you , his presence oddly calming.  „Ah, you must be the healer taking care of Severus.“

„Actually, by now I’m the flatmate taking care of him, but yep. Y/N L/N, sir. And you truly are the  M inister? We finally have one again?“

He laughed and shook your hand. „Kingsley Shacklebolt. Yes, I am, for as long as it takes to built up the  Ministry  and organize elections.“

„Nice to meet you, sir. ” You paused, thinking about what you should do now. You were intruding something, right? “ I better leave you two alone then.  Gotta go  set up my room anyway.“

„ Oh, don’t leave on my behalf. Severus tells me, you know his story. He also tells me you saved his life.“

You turned around to stare at Severus. What was he thinking ?  If people knew you had stolen a time - turner, they’d  probably  send you to jail.

He shook his head lightly, almost not noticeable. „Not that“, he mouthed.

You smiled to him thankfully and looked back at  Shacklebolt  who didn’t seem to have noticed anything. „Maybe. Though he doesn’t always make it an easy task. ” You shot Severus another glance. “ And, if I may ask  that is , how do you know him?“

„We fought against you  kno \- … Voldemort together. Though at time s  I didn’t know we were on the same sides. ” He turned to speak to Severus.  “  But  Dumbledore left me something, said I was only to receive it if I survived the day Voldemort died. He wrote the same that Potter testified, t he same t hat  you  said …“

„Under  torture!“  You couldn’t stop yourself  from interrupting . „Those men tortured him. While he was in hospital. While he was too weak to even pee without  help.“  You didn’t care that Severus glared at you. It wasn’t that rare that patients needed help, that he had to make a big secret of it. Surely it wouldn’t really break his crown, even if he acted like it did.

Shacklebolt  held up a hand and nodded. „ At that  time  I haven’t been the Minister. Back then I was just a little cog in the big wheel and I only ever learned of it once it had been done.  But I will find a way to chance the methods. Thankfully cases like these are rare. There are only few people that skilled in Occlumency.“

Great, that was supposed to make you feel better about this whole incident? That Severus was one of a kind, so only he needed to be tortured, and almost nobody else?  Not exactly something that made you trust the political system any more than before.

„I told you I agreed to the … procedure. I have endured worse and I was the one working on spells to counteract Occlumency both on behalf of Dumbledore and the Dark Lord. None of them ever worked, although I do believe myself a good spell inventor.“

That was news to you. You hadn’t  know  he could do something like that. Inventing spells, was that even done nowadays? You had thought most of the spells were older than Hogwarts itself.  Severus really had to be an extraordinary wizard if he could do something like that. Why did the world waste him on the death eaters and then on a teacher’s job? Had nobody ever taking Severus as a protégé to build him up for something greater? Idiots, all of them.

But if he could do something like that, and – if he had told the truth – enhance potion recipes as well, why would he believe there was no place for him in this world  even now?  He could go on inventing and writing about it. If he published under a false name, he surely wouldn’t have any problems earning his living. And he could get famous. Not that you thought he wanted anything  like that . But it sure w ould be  a nice side effect to finally get cherished and admired for all he had done.

„We still have our people working on it“, the minister said. „If you could send us your findings it might save us time. But we do want to change the old ways. No more dementors, no more torture. If we don’t treat our people like worthy beings, why would the dark side feel the need to do so?“

Okay, you liked that man. Maybe you’d vote for him if he considered keeping the position long term. He sounded like he not only had a good brain but also a good heart.

„You will find them among Albus‘ stuff. Unless he had memorized them and destroyed the parchment.“ Severus hesitated. „I will write them down. Could you bring me a pensieve? That might be helpful to remember everything.“

Shacklebolt  nodded.

You began to felt out of place again, like an intruder. But now that you took part in the conversation you couldn’t just leave, could you? Wouldn’t that be impolite? You suppressed a sigh. With people of your own age many things were more complicated – like the boys still being immature. But at least social norms were  rather easy-going  among peers. With Severus you had always felt like one step away from disaster and it had only gotten better slowly. The easy rapport you two had was only a few days old and both of you had fought hard for it, hitting the bottom when he fell in the shower. But this  Shacklebolt ? You didn’t know him. And you didn’t want him to think badly of you. As the  M inister he could destroy your career in a heartbeat, not that he seemed to be the type of guy to destroy people’s lives that easily.

„Y/N, do sit down. Standing around  like that  seems as if you were ready to flee. Grab  yourself  a tea while you ’re  at  it“ , Severus took the decision of you.  There was something warm in his eyes. Maybe he just wanted you to be at his side. Was he nervous? Or was this just his way of showing you that he liked you, liked having a friend he could confide in.

You obeyed and filled yourself a mug. „Might I ask then what brings  you to us, today, Mr.  Shacklebolt , sir?“

„Oh, enough with the sir. I’m Kingsley, nothing more. Mainly I’m here to see if my protection spells are still working. We’ve heard  of  quite a few threats against Severus, some against ourselves as well for letting him off the hook. But I also wanted to ask how he’d like to go on from here. ” He turned to Severus. “You  can’t stay in hiding forever.“

„What am I supposed to do, then? Let them come after me? Once I am healthy again,  I assume they  not stand a chance.  Not if I fight for real.  And I don’t want more blood on my hands.  I have caused enough deaths as it is by now.  But I can’t allow them to kill me either. You know what killing  somebody  does  to a person, maybe  even  better than I do.“

Kingsley nodded and you looked back and forth between the two men. Both  looked a little tired around the eyes. They  seemed to have suffered a lot. It made you thankful to have grown up just in time to have finished your education while the death eaters had not yet grown  too  strong. You were thankful that you had been able to take part in the fight only by healing, not by hurting anyone. Even that had taken a toll. You had seen so many wounds, so many corpses. Had lost patients  you fought hard to keep alive . But you had never been responsible for their deaths, and you had certainly never killed on purpose, not even to save lives.

But both men were not yet  fully  broken, at least on the outside. You couldn’t help being awestruck by how both lived on, how Shacklebolt even found the strength to come out being a leader, actually trying to make things even better than they were in times of peace.

„Do you wish to keep on staring at the  M inister with that blank face or would you prefer drinking your tea before it’s gone cold?“

You blushed. Severus caught you and somehow his voice hadn’t sounded just  like  teasing. There had been something darker hidden behind. „Sorry, I was just lost in my own mind for a moment. What did I miss?“

„We were still discussing how to keep me alive as well as still not in prison for murdering anyone who might try to do the same to me. Something I thought, you were interested in as well.“

„I am“, you said a little too quickly. „I am. Have you already talked about living under a new name?“

Shacklebolt  shook his head. „Impossible. Severus has made the front page of the Daily Prophet way too often during the last year. Everyone in the wizarding world knows him  and even when they’re not sure, they could still just go to an archive and find the old newspapers. “

„I assume, cosmetic changes are not an option?“ You turned to Severus and tried to picture him with blond hair. Short hair. Maybe a beard or glasses. You just couldn’t, it didn’t work. Which could of course mean that others wouldn’t recognize him without his signature looks. But you’d miss that brooding dark man if he looked any different.

„We keep that in mind, but Se-„

„I already said over my dead body. I am no … blonde. Or a redhead for that matter.“

You chuckled. „Okay, I understand. You’d also need to get a nose job, because everyone  would recognize that conk.“

Severus blinked, but didn’t say anything, while  Shacklebolt  merely nodded  and seemed to suppress a chuckle.

Then the  M inister spoke up again: „There is always the possibility of leaving the country. Both the Americans and the Australians didn’t give a damn about Voldemort  during his little reign of terror . Even call it a civil war, as if it hadn’t influenced them at all once he’d won  for good . But luck would be in your favo u r then, because they won’t  care  who you are and what you did.“

Your heart broke at the thought. Could Severus really be willing to go, to emigrate for good? What would happen to you, then? Crawling back to your parents? Okay, you wouldn’t mind that bit. But how could you make sure he’d live a happy life if you couldn’t be around?  And wouldn’t he miss you? Would he?

„I have a house and a n employment  in this country. A house that I cannot sell, because nobody would want such a  run - down  pile of crap. I neither have the connections nor the money to make a fresh start in a different country. Nor do I wish to leave a country I have fought for, I have risked my life  for.“

Shacklebolt  sighed. „Please keep that possibility in mind. I  sure  hope people will stop caring soon. We’re hunting down the last loyal death eaters and I hope the ones on our side will learn how to live on without personal vendettas, soon. But I can’t promise you it’ll ever be save to leave the house  again, you understand? Think about it. Nobody will force you to leave, you are a citizen of this country and it is my duty to protect you as long as you live here. And I will. But think about which life you would like to be living. “

He stood up and nodded towards you before turning back to Severus. „Oh, and another thing. Ou r new  head of the auror  department wishes to talk to you soon. I bet you still remember Mister Potter.“

Severus groaned and  Shacklebolt  laughed, while you just sat there blinking. Potter was already head of something? He didn’t even graduate , as far as you knew ? Yes, he was a hero but was that really fair? On the other  hand  though this might be good for Severus. The only one who really knew the whole truth was now the one hunting down those who might still want to kill Severus.  And it sounded like he had a reason to be emotionally invested in Severus’ fate.

„ Have a nice day, the two of you. We’ll hear from each other.“ With that the minister disapparated and Severus was left to  stew in thoughts.

„ This boy will one day be the death of me“, he finally said. 

You grinned.  „Actually he was, because he was too young and uneducated to even try to heal your wounds. But then I came and he’s the death of you no more.“

Severus glared at you, before his lips curled to a small smile. „Will you never let me hate life?“

„Only if you give me a good reason. And now excuse me, this is just the first bag of stuff I have to get from my parents‘ house.“ With that you gave him a comforting smile and left the room.


	22. Paid dues and talk shows

Life got easier, living with Severus. While you had to wash your laundry on your own now, no matter how stressful the day in the hospital was, having to share a bathroom with only one other person instead of two was an advantage.  He knew on normal days you had to stand up earlier than he did, so he let you shower first. When he woke up too early, he even made you breakfast.  And you no longer had to pay for the potions that helped with menstruation. Without ever saying a word about it, they just magically appeared in the bathroom, and Severus made sure to  always  have enough on stock.  You had never seen him as a considerate  man, but it turned out he was.

He also helped you with your own potions you had to learn for the exams and showed you a few tricks to enhance their effect.

Of course not everything was just sunshine . He had his dark moods. More than once had you found him sitting in the library when you came home . He turned the lights out and just sat there in the dark. As far as you knew he didn’t fall asleep  while brooding, he didn’t read, he didn’t do anything. He wouldn’t tell you what he was doing there or why he had the need to sit there, but you had quickly learned to leave him alone  in those moments, if you didn’t want him to snap. He never got really mean anymore, but on those days his words at least stung a little.

But even those moments became rarer and you  found ways for Severus to let  off  some  steam , by giving him a physical way to work through his problems .  After checking with Potter that no other wizard lived  close by, you and him were able to went for walks, so you made sure he finally got back into shape  and worked off some energy .  Soon he looked healthy again and  only his scar told of his encounter with a snake.

This morning you were making breakfast side by side  in companionable silence  when something tapped on the window. It was your owl sitting outside, the newspaper in its beak.  Since Severus could not subscribe to the Daily Prophet without giving away his address, you  had done it. ‚Last death eater caught‘, the headline said and you hurried to open the window. „Potter did it“, you exclaimed, while still reading the article. „He found the last one. Thanks to the list you gave him.“

Severus took the paper out of your hand, reading it for himself.

„This means you’re free to go outside wherever you want again, not just in the  neighbo u rhood .“

„Does it? What if the culprit behind the attack  was not a death eater but  lost somebody to th em  and thinks I should be punished for it?“, Severus asked, looking at you with an arched brow. He looked mocking, but there was a deeper uncertainty to it and some sadness.

You sighed. Time to  voice an idea that had crossed your mind a while ago.  „Severus, I … maybe it’s time to tell your story?“

„You already know my story.“

Not completely, you wanted to say. Instead you replied: „Not to me. To the world. Sit down and write about it. Maybe a memoir?“

„Write about my shame?“ He huffed. „They would say I’m doing it for the money anyway.“

„Then don’t do it for the money. Write the book for charity. For … I don’t know. For a compensation fund for the wounded or for  modernization  works at Hogwarts. Write about all of it. Let people understand how all of this happened. Admit your mistakes but show that you know you were wrong and tell them how  hard  you worked on redeeming yourself.“

He shook his head and the look in his eyes told you he was no longer open to discussion. In a way you could understand him and  you were not even sure if a memoir would do any good. But  you hoped that at least some people would change their mind about him if they knew  the real Severus.

You were eating your breakfast in silence, then Severus went down to his lab while you  disapparated  to work.

When you came home that evening Severus was nowhere to be seen. You knew better than to look for him and just grabbed some food out of the fridge and went up to your room. What you hadn’t expected was to find him on the floor in front of your television, a glass in his hand  filled with a golden liquid  that you assumed was  firewhiskey .

You sat down next to him  on the floor , just watching silently alongside him.

„Didn’t know if I was allowed on your bed“, Severus told you  quietly . „Felt like something stupid. Needed to clear my mind.“

You could tell he already had a few sips of his drink. „Sure you’re allowed on my bed. Well, depends on what you’re doing there.“ You winked but he didn’t even notice. „What happened, Sev? I’ve never seen you this way.“

„If it were up to me, nobody would. The downsides of having a flatmate.“

„But this way you have a shoulder to cry on.“ You sneaked an arm around his back and pulled him closer to you, breathing in his heavy scent. He always smelled like burning wood and something uniquely him that you had no words for.  And maybe a little of old shoes. Maybe you should sneak in such a shoe deodorant . Why was he wearing shoes inside the house anyway?

He didn’t lean his head on your shoulder. Not that you had expected him to. But he didn’t jump away either. “Wanna talk about it?”, you finally asked when he was still silent, just watching … what was that? Was he actually watching a  muggle  talk show? Holy Hippogriff, how many glasses of whiskey had he already had to be able to stand that?

Severus just shrugged, his shoulder brushing yours lightly. He pointed at the telly. “This woman. She complains about her husband never closing the tube of toothpaste. And she feels the need to do so in front of the nation, because she wishes to leave him if he won’t change his habit. These people … they are so tremendously stupid.”

You chuckled lightly, but didn’t reply . Surely there was a deeper meaning to this that he would point out sooner or later .

“They have no idea how many people died to save their right to bicker with each other on the television. They have no idea how small their problems are. Don’t they see that they are lucky to have found a person who could stand them in the first place? And they risk it over the fucking toothpaste.”

You stared at him as best as you could in this position. “Blimey, how many drinks have you already drowned. I’ve never heard you swear like that.”

“Might have been two or three. I thought I got rid of that habit. What d’you expect? I grew up with an alcoholic working-class muggle, telling my mum and me we’re vermin. Oh, the swear words I learned from this man …” He laughed, but it sounded hollow. “I tried to learn to sound like the other Slytherins. All this well-behaved royalty. Didn’t want them to treat me like I’m below them. What good did it do?”

You lightly rubbed his back. “It made you this intimidating man, who stood in front of the class, scaring us half to death with a simple sneer. “ You inched a little closer. „I’m  not saying you can’t swear and curse. But that persona you created, that was … well, it worked on us.”

Severus gave you a genuine smile and turned back to the telly. “Still... They still treated me like I was below them. Unless they wanted something from me. Oh, the dumber ones admired me for my talent. And Lucius Malfoy actually became my mentor. But in the end, I knew that I was only accepted as long as I was needed. In all their little schemes of who was allowed to marry whom and to breed little perfectly behaved pureblood children, I was never considered. Not that I wanted to marry any of them. And certainly not for breeding. But when it came to what they’ve done on a daily basis, I was an outsider. Rotten fruit. And now there are those people who found somebody. They didn’t just marry for keeping the bloodline pure, they actually liked each other. And they don’t see how lucky they are to even get the chance of finding someone. Of marrying for love.”

You didn’t know what to say. Severus could have married for love if he ever found somebody. At least you thought so. Not while he was a death eater, sure. You didn’t know if he was allowed to marry at all back then, him being a half blood and all. But after that? But then it hit you. He had been living among death eaters again these last month until the battle. Maybe even ever since Potter claimed Voldemort had returned. Three years then. And maybe Dumbledore knew that would happen one day, so that even if Severus had ever found anyone, he could not have risked that person’s life. Not that you thought he had been looking. After what little he had told you about his life, he still seemed pretty much in love with Potter’s mother. But even if he had stumbled upon love he couldn’t have acted on it.

„I know you don’t wanna hear it, but now you’re one of us. Now you could marry for love and quarrel over something as stupid as toothpaste.“

He snorted and drowned his drink, filling the glass anew after that. „As if anyone would even want me. Nobody ever did.  Not even Lily. Said we were best friends and let me fall when I didn’t do exactly what she wanted.“ He shook his head. „She was right with that, you know? Back then I hadn’t  realized  what path I have stumbled upon. And it wasn’t fair to expect her to be my lifeline. By letting me fall, she pushed me to become exactly what she didn’t want me to become, sure. But expecting a sixteen year old to understand what it meant to keep yourself safe among those who’d gladly kill you once they were old enough to take the mark? No. I couldn’t tell her what my life was like. She would have drowned with me. She was right to cut all ties to me, even if it destroyed me.“

You knew you should take away his drink. Maybe send him to bed. But never before had he opened himself that much to you. You took a deep breath , trying to think . It was not your decision to make, though you were not sure if he could decide in his current state. “Severus, ... while I love to hear you talk and I’m here for you and you can trust me, you are a bit drunk. I’m not sure if you can stand the thought of having told me all this when you’re sober again. So … should I stop you, before you tell me even more that you might want to keep to yourself?”

He blinked at you. Rubbed his head. “You said I should write about this. You said I should tell the whole world  all about me .”

“Yes. And I still think it might be a good idea to let people get to know the real you. Some would still hate you, but … I think most could understand you on some level.”

“Testing it on you now, then.” With that he handed you the bottle.

You bit your lip. This was nice and awkward at the same time. You couldn’t tell exactly how drunk Severus was and how much he actually was in control of himself.  But w hen he began to talk again, you  willingly  took your first sip of  firewhiskey . And hell, that stuff was strong.

“Anyway. Even Lily had never … Well, I don’t know if she ever thought of me that way. But she was so fierce and fiery. She would have said something, done something if she had wanted it. And she was my only friend. … No, she was on her high horse, telling me that I was crap. I used dark magic and she couldn’t take this anymore. Instead she fell in love with that guy who tried to blackmail her. Who was part of a scheme to murder me when I was just a child. But sure, that’s still on a moral high ground compared to me practicing the one thing I’m good at, right?” There was a single tear gliding down his cheek. “Still, she was right at cutting me off. Just … stupid not to see that the guy she fell for was just as bad as I am. He did the same and worse, he just pledged his loyalty to the good side. “  His fingers formed quotation marks in the air. „ But what good side is that if somebody like him is welcome there?” His fist crashed to the ground in a desperate move to relieve some of his anger.

He moved away from you a bit, but only to turn to you. “The boy looks like him. Except for his eyes. The last thing I saw before I ... should have died were her eyes, looking at me. And although he must have hated me in that moment, he looked at me like I hoped she would do once again. So … soft and sad and without any hatred.”

“But you didn’t die”, you reminded him, grasping his hand. “You’re here now.”

“That I am. But what for? What is my purpose now? Why am I still supposed to keep fighting? What do I have to fight for? She was my reason. “ He paused, shaking his head vigorously. „ No, that’s not true. I think something deep inside of me knows she would have never been right for me. She couldn’t understand me,  couldn’t  accept me, not really. But still she had been my friend, my whole life once. So I had to make up for all the things I did to her. And now I did. … Potter was here, today, you know? Said, he came over to tell me he forgives me on behalf of his mother. That I paid my dues, so to say.” He shook his head, tears now streaming freely. “He took away the one purpose my life still had.”

“Will you allow me to say something you probably don’t want to hear?”, you asked quietly.

Severus nodded.

“You’re in the same position now that we’re all in. You think I know my purpose? Sure I wanna help people, but I don’t know where life will lead me. I don’t know what my reason to live is , or my purpose . To me it’s just that the alternative, being dead, seems like a waste of time and resources. But that’s it. I don’t have that huge plan that keeps me going. I just live my life day by day. Most of us do. And I’m not saying it’s easy or feels good. “ Actually most days it felt as if you had no idea what you were doing,  but you found comfort in knowing that all your friends said they felt the same way. „ But maybe you can think of it that way? You have already done so much in life and now you’re finally free to be a normal person , like everybody else . You can find out what you want in life. You’re no longer held back by breeding plans of pureblood idiots or by duty and guilt. You’re allowed to let go of this and find something you really want to be doing. It’s hard and it hurts. It’s not the easy way. But it’s the way of free will and freedom of choice.” 

He stared at you for a moment while you  accio-d  a tissue to wipe of his tears. Then Severus finally nodded. “Maybe you’re right. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though, does it?”

You laughed  lightly  and shook your head. Though there was something deeper to the question, you thought. You weren’t sure but you assumed that Severus was not exactly healthy when it came to his mental state. You didn’t know what he had. According to what little he told you he had survived so much that PTSD was almost a given. And sometimes he sounded a little depressed. But you didn’t have the knowledge to diagnose either.

“Still, those people are stupid”, Severus added and pointed to the television.

“Yep, they are. But isn’t that great on some level? I mean, sure, getting divorced probably doesn’t feel good. But … on a greater level, think about what a good life this is if their main problem truly is the toothpaste. If there really is no hidden problem beneath it, …” 

“Still stupid. Why doesn’t she buy him a toothpaste of his own. Then he can do with it what he wants and she doesn’t have to fear germs in her own paste.”

“Ever thought of becoming a couple therapist?”

“Right, because I’m so qualified, never having been kissed and all that.”  He tensed noticeably.

“Never ever?”, you asked.

He snorted. “A most mature choice of words.” 

“Hey, you’re not that drunk, if you can still be a sassy bitch.” But maybe you were a bit drunk by now if you dared calling him just that.

“Excuse me, what?” 

You blushed.  “It’s a compliment. I’ve grown fond of you being … you.”

He arched a brow. But instead of looking at you he seemed to concentrate on a point next to your ear. Severus seemed to think about something. And then his lips were on yours ,  soft and shy.  And you certainly didn’t mind.


	23. Thank Merlin it's Sunday

You woke up to somebody snoring next to you and the sun trying to stab you with its light. With a loud sigh you tried to grab your pillow from under your head to press it on your eyes, but you couldn’t move it. Something heavy held it in place. At least the snoring stopped. But it was replaced by incoherent mumbling.

You lazily opened one eye to be met by staring dark ones.

“We didn’t, did we?”, Severus asked, jerking at the volume of his own voice.

You didn’t have to ask what he was talking a bout. You weren’t that sleepy.  So  y ou blinked a gainst the bright light a nd tried to remember what had happened.  There had been some kissing .  Between you two, you assumed since nobody else was around.  And  there had been  drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Thankfully today was  S unday, so you didn’t have to drag yourself to work with a hangover  as giant as an elephant sitting on your head. Vomiting on patients was not exactly part of the code of conduct at Mungo’s.  _ Okay _ , you reminded yourself.  _ Back to the question at hand. _

Pushing down the blanket a little you looked at his clothes.  That was all the answer you needed.  „We sure didn’t. Nobody in his right mind would close that many buttons  afterwards.“  Though you were unsure if you were able to open all those buttons in the first place, given your state of mind yesterday. And one could actually open the trousers without opening the frock. Still, you wouldn’t have done anything like that with him as long as there were still too many buttons between you and him. You assumed they were rather uncomfortable.

„What happened  yesterday?“  Severus’ voice sounded a little rough. But then again maybe yours did, too.

„How much do you remember?“, you asked, keeping your voice down, to keep your head from further trying to explode.

„Potter coming over and idiots on the telly.“

So he forgot your kiss? Should you tell him? If only you could know how he would react. Was he open to exploring what could grow between the both of you or would he be ashamed or worse – disgusted? Would that damage your friendship?

„You drank a little too much and told me more about your past. I tried to stop you…“

Severus rubbed his head. „That I remember, I think. “

„But I’m glad you talked to  me.“  You lightly rubbed his upper arm , though it took a second to actually reach for it. Your vision was still a little blurry . „You know I like you, don’t you?“

He frowned. „You said you like me as a sassy bitch.“

You laughed and yelped when the sound made your head spin.  „I need a coffee. And a hangover potion. You want some, too?“

Severus nodded and basically crawled out of bed, too. „I’ll take a shower and be with you  soon.“  And for the first time you had to fight down your imagination. Severus naked under streaming water … No, not the safest thing to think about at the moment. Also, you had to get caffeine into your blood, otherwise you’d probably collapse soon.

A few minutes later  the smell of coffee filled the house. And still you didn’t know if and how to talk about the kiss.

Severus  let himself slump down on the chair opposite of you and drowned his coffee so fast you could swear he burned his tongue. Still he drank his potion right after that.

„I’m sorry you had to see me this way“,  Severus said. He still sounded tired, but he began to look like a living being – something you were lightyears away from, you assumed.

„Why? That’s what friends are for, you know? I’m here to have your back if you need me and to listen to your problems – and vice versa.“

„At the moment there is no vice versa“, he reminded you.

„Don’t say that. At the moment I don’t exactly have the time to  get  my heart broken, sure. But you help me with the exams and with learning household spells. That’s an immeasurable  help.“

He smiled. Oh ,  how you loved this small, but genuine smiles you earned more often the longer you lived with him.  They made him look soft and approachable  and in a way  even changed. Back in school he only used this sarcastic half-smile that you still earned every now and then. But he had never even seemed to have a reason to be happy or amused without it being at the cost of others. And nowadays he seemed to be … happier.

It helped you made a choice. „And do you remember what you said yesterday? That one could save that marriage by just buying a second tube of toothpaste? And how I said you’d make a good couple therapist?“

He groaned.  „What about it?“

It was now or never.  „ Well, you see,  I have a friend. She likes this boy, but they’re friends. And now she doesn’t know if she should tell him. Because she really enjoys the friendship, you know? She doesn’t want to lose him. But there was a moment when she thought there could be more between t he two of t hem  than just friendship .“

„And you want my advice on what she should do? Why? It’s  not as if I had any experience with relationships.“

„But you’re a man. While that doesn’t mean this boy must think like you, it could mean you can put yourself into his position better than I could.  It’s worth a try, right?  For example, picture us in that situation. If I told you I‘ve fallen in love with you, what would you do?“

For a moment he seemed to force down a smile.  Why? Was that ridiculous to him? Or was that a happy smile? Would he like that? But t hen his eyes widened. „Yesterday … we  kissed“ , he said.

„We … did,  yes.“  Couldn’t he just stayed ignorant of last night for a few more minutes?

„This friend and this boy, … are you talking about us?“

Damn, why did you fall for a man with such a good working brain? Should you lie? But he’d know, wouldn’t he? „… Yes.“

Severus sighed and rubbed his head. „I don’t think I’ve head enough coffee for that.“

Ouch. „It’s okay. That’s answer enough. As I said, my friend likes this boy as a friend and she wouldn’t want to lose this friendship.“  You stood up.

“Where are you going?” Severus sounded … fearful? Damn, what had you done?  You didn’t mean to frighten  him.  What did he think you would do?

“To get you more coffee. What  d’you  think? That I’m running away?” You forced a smile and refilled his mug and then your own. “I’m not. I’m okay, I really am.” It was a lie, probably easy to see through. Still it didn’t hurt that much. Now you knew. In time before you could fall too fast and too deep.  And you told the truth. His friendship was more important to you than any what ifs. 

Severus took a sip and breathed in the heavy fragrance of his coffee after that. He seemed to be playing for time. “You might be misunderstanding me. I was in no way telling you that … this boy does not like your friend. Maybe he is just too deep in his own problems, his own confusions to be able to let her any closer at the moment. But that does not mean that he does not care for her or that he rules out that one day he might be willing to let her in.”

Now that could mean all or nothing.  He could just be putting you on hold, so that if he ever wanted anything more, you’d still be available. It could also mean that he actually hoped for it, but that it still was unlikely to ever happen.  “So, you’re saying she should wait for him to make the first step.”

He huffed and it sounded both exasperated and amused. Sometimes Severus was really hard to understand.  “I think it would be the second  step, don’t you?  But yes, I believe that would be the best course of action.”

“Okay, and … I hope this question is not insensitive. But, should she put her life on hold for  that  glimpse  of possible hope ? Or should she … go out if she ever finds the time, and risk meeting another boy she might fall for one day?”

Severus looked hurt , pained, and you wished you hadn’t asked. But it was necessary to know. If you found yourself still alone at the age of 120, because you had waited for him and he never got over whatever was holding him back, he’d just feel guilty of ruining yet another life, right?

He swallowed hard and blinked before looking down at the table and evading your eyes. “I think the boy would be selfish if he would want her for himself while he is not even sure he actually wants to  be with  her … that way. She should not miss out on anything just because of him and if he feels betrayed or hurt or lonely in any way because of her actions and because of maybe losing her to another  man, woman or other , that is his own fault and only his.  And if it ever comes to a confrontation because of that, your friend is allowed and would be wise to tell him just that. ”

You nodded. This was far from what you had hoped for. But you had to admit that it was naïve to think he would fall head over heels for you just because he had kissed you when he was drunk. Wasn’t the reason he had opened the whiskey yesterday that he had lost his reason for g oing on in life ? That he had redeemed himself in the eyes of the woman he loved – as judged by her son  - and lost the one drive, or maybe aspiration, that kept him fighting ? He had only learned that he could finally let go of her yesterday.  Of course  he was not ready for a new love just a few hours and a massive headache later.  It was unfair of you to even hope for anything like that.

Especially since y ou were not even sure if you were ready for something that big yourself. He was twice as old as you were. And definitely broken. But then again, you didn’t exactly feel unbroken either after what you had seen when the war ended. You had been able to bury every thought of corpses and blood under lots and lots of work and mainly your feeling of responsibility towards Severus, but you weren’t sure if the memories would stay buried for good.

The more you thought about it, the more you were sure, rushing into an affair or even a real relationship would have been wrong. You both had gone through so much that you first had to learn how to live in this world. Especially since you were just stretching your wings for the first time. You were still on the edge of childhood, or at least on some days you felt that way.

Still, something deep inside of you wished to be held. Nothing more. Just a bit of human warmth against the cold night every now and then.  Or somebody to chase the nightmares away that were starting to torment you on some nights. By now there was just smoke, dust and darkness, but you knew where you had seen this combination. And you were worried that one day the corpses were starting to appear in your dreams as well. If only somebody could be there to scare your inner monsters away.

“Y/N?”

“Huh?”  You almost jumped at his voice.

“Are you alright?”  He sounded so soft, so careful, as if you were something so fragile that you could break down if he even so much as looked at you.

You blinked. “I guess so. I’m just … thinking. And I’m still too hungover to really reach the bottom of this storm of thoughts inside my head. I wish they would swirl around a little slower, but I’m good.” You rubbed your head. “Sorry. This is my first hangover since … there was one day a boy in my house used a spell to turn pumpkin juice into … I think it was vodka. The day after that is still just a blur. Ever since I knew when to stop.”

He shook his head, but his face showed nothing but fond exasperation. “Maybe you should go back to bed then? Sleep until you feel better.”

Could you even sleep? What if the thoughts only grew louder if there was nobody else there to keep you occupied? But then again the hangover potion truly hadn’t worked yet. So finally you nodded. “But come and find me if … you need anything, okay? Even if you just need a place to hide from dark thoughts.”

He smiled in a way that told you he would not. And maybe he was right. He had been alone with himself for so long by the sound of his story. Surely he knew how to take care of him for a few hours. So you dragged yourself upstairs and slept it off.


	24. Girls night and death threats

“So, you’ve kissed him?”, Gladys asked and giggled. She tried to stay quiet, although the café was crowded and you were in a far-off corner. In the noise in here nobody could eavesdrop anyway.

You were out with a friend to get some fresh air into your lungs and to give Severus some time off of seeing you  everyday . You had written him a note that you were going out with ‘the ladies’ and probably sleeping over, so that he wouldn’t be scared something happened to you. But you were still rebuking yourself for writing about ladies. You had just thought that friend, singular, would sound as if you were going out with a boy. And now you felt stupid for even caring what Severus thought about it. He had said you had the right to go out with everyone you wanted to. Why did you even care what he might or might not assume?

“Actually he kissed me”, you objected.

“Honestly. Severus Snape? The one who made me cry when we were first years? That guy kissed you?”

You had to tell somebody. And while Gladys was not your best friend, she was still your oldest friend. The one who knew most of your secrets – and you knew a lot of hers. That she had had a crush on Lockhart for example. Then again you knew few girls who hadn’t swooned when Lockhart smiled his most charming smile. But Gladys had made herself a voodoo doll of him. Not that it had ever worked, but nobody but you knew. And  so  you trusted her with your secrets as well.

“Didn’t you find that disgusting?”

Okay, now you weren’t so sure anymore if it was the right idea to trust her. How could she say anything like this? Even if you had been talking about a man you really didn’t like, talking about a person in that way was something you didn’t understand. Even people one might not like or find attractive still had feelings.

“I don’t remember much”, you told her. “But why would I find it disgusting? I mean, we’re friends. I like him.”

“After what he did to us? And what he did to the world?”

You snorted. “We always disagreed on his teaching methods. His style was exactly what I needed. And what do you mean about what he did to the world?”

Gladys glared at you. “He’s one of you know who’s men.”

You rolled your eyes. “Bullshit. He hasn’t been ever since 1981. He’s been on our side for almost as long as we live.”

“That’s what you think. And this Potter boy. And the Ministry, maybe. But let me tell you, if this man is in any way a good person, then I’m the emperor of Japan. And that guy is a guy and I’m not.  So  there’s no way I’m the emperor or Snape is good.”

“Profound logic”, you deadpanned. What had happened to the Gladys you knew? Had she always been this narrow-minded and had you just been too blind to see it? “You know what? Let’s just talk about …" What did you want to talk about, though? Really? If you were honest, all you wanted was to go home. You had hoped for some good old gossiping and maybe some advice on how to go on. But instead you had to listen to her talk shit about your friend.

“Just let me tell you something, Y/N. You should get out of whatever that is. Run away and hide, otherwise he might drag you with him into something you don’t want. I don’t want you to get hurt when he gets what he deserves.”

That was a threat, wasn’t it? But you didn’t know if you were supposed to take it seriously. Gladys had always been one for melodramatics. She had always talked about suing the teachers that gave her bad marks. She had even wanted to sue McGonagall.  Of course  she never actually did it and among your friends this had been some sort of a running gag during the last few years at Hogwarts.

“You know what? Forget that what I said. I’m going. If you’re too deep in your hatred and fake news, that’s your problem. But as long as you’re unable  too  ignorant to see the truth, when even the Ministry knows it, and got to it using torture to make sure they really get it right, you’re not worth my time.”

You stood up and put a few coins on the table for the water you had ordered, and went. But not without hearing her yell: “I warned you. Remember my words. Stay with him and you’ll be the one to suffer.”

Confused you apparated to your parents. They were glad you had come over and you began cooking dinner together. You were extremely thankful you had told your parents a lie that was close enough to the truth. This way you could tell them all about Gladys’ threats.

“I always told you this girl was trouble”, your mother finally said. “But she’s also always been a coward. Always talking, never acting. Don’t worry about  her.  And I wouldn’t tell your colleague. You didn’t told her where he lives, did you?”

You shook your head.

“Now then, even if she would ever want to act on her words, how could she? Just forget it. And please forget her. She doesn’t sound like the kind of friend you’d want to have holding you back. I’m afraid she’d rather stab you from behind.”

So  you forgot about the incident. The longer you thought about it, the less you really took Gladys  seriously . No, there was no need to worry Severus or Potter.


	25. All hallows eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka Severus is a childish idiot.

For a while living with Severus  felt  a little awkward. Both of you made sure never to cross paths less than fully dressed and where there had been casual touches earlier, a hand on a shoulder or locks that got brushed away, you stayed out of each other’s personal spaces for a  few weeks . Only at the beginning of Octob er , three months after he was allowed to leave Hogwarts and a whole month after your little talk, had he begun to open up to you again. At least it felt this way, when he guided your arm while brewing or tucked you in on the sofa when you fell asleep reading  - one time even on his lap without him complaining.

Today though, he was ...weird. Irritated by every little noise he snapped again and again, only to go all soft on you just seconds later.

“Are you always this annoyingly loud?”, he had asked you this morning when you had dared to close the bathroom door with more than just a soft click. He had jumped out of his room, as if he had  assumed  he would be attacked.

“Er... sorry?”, was all you could say, but in the same second his face softened and he reached out to squeeze your hand. Then he rushed back into his room without a word of explanation.

Only when your owl brought the Daily Prophet you knew why  he was on edge .

‘Anniversary of murder on James and Lily Potter turned into national day to mourn the deaths caused by toxic pureblood ideology’ the headline read. So that was why you only had to take one day of vacation to get these two days off? You had only meant to be ready to hand out candy if any muggle kids actually found the way to this house, because sure as hell Severus had not bought any. But you hadn’t actually expected this to be a holiday.

‘17 years after the tragic murder on James and Lily Potter, parents to Harry James Potter, head of  A uror D epartment and war hero, Minister of Magic Kingsley  Shacklebolt  declares Halloween a national holiday of all wizards from this year on. “It is time we speak about our past openly. About how demagogues and megalomaniacs could have turned us against each other. About how my predecessors in this position turned a blind eye on the hatred that spread among our brothers and sisters. On this day we mourn all who lost their lives fighting for the right of everyone able to do so to learn and use magic without discrimination. All those who we lost in the fight to be allowed to love who we love without ever having to think about caste or blood. But we also set a sign. To heal wounds and make amends. To greet those willing to live in peace with open arms. Let us show them that while we have no room for hatred against muggles or  muggleborn  witches and wizards, we have room for those who want to be part of this diverse and loving community. Together we honour those who made sure we could live and love without fear.”’

You stopped reading. Not that the speech  Shacklebolt  had given was bad in any way. You liked his vision of a new wizarding community. He also seemed to have big plans for rights of house elves, for new treaties with magical creatures and a lot of other things that finally needed to be addressed without prejudices. But right now you were more interested in the date itself. Lily Potter’s date of death. So that was why Severus was basically on edge all day. And you didn’t know how to help, how to even talk to him about it. Should you just leave him alone to lick his mental wounds that probably got opened anew on a day like this?

But when you  met him in the kitchen where you  just made yourself a sandwich to take with you back into your room, Severus followed you like a dog.

“Hey, I’m trying to give you some space here”, you smiled in good humour. 

Still he entered your room after you and sat down on your bed.

„You wanna talk about it?“ , you asked then. 

„Not really.“

Right. This was a pretty awkward moment. He obviously needed something and you had no idea what or how to help with it.  „ Wanna  go to that memorial ceremony over at  Godric‘s  Hollow?“ , you tried the next best thing that came to your mind.

He shook his head. „I have no place among those people. I was their enemy and they would still see me as such. I’d dishonour the dead if I’d go to the memorial.“

„You wouldn’t dishonour anyone. You have fought on our  side.“  You sighed. „But maybe it would cause trouble to go there during the ceremony, that’s true. But that’s not  your  doing. You got me?  Those people who don’t want you there, are  idiots. “  You thought back to Gladys. Idiots, for sure.

Severus grumbled.

„Okay, another suggestion. We switch off all the lights . Well, e xcept in my room which we’ll darken magically, so that whoever even finds this house, even with all the magic wards, won’t ring the bell. Then we’ll take the sweets I bought for the kids and  eat them all on our own while  we’ll  be  watch ing  silly movies. We’ll just keep quiet or talk, whatever you like. We’ll cuddle or sit far apart, and drink or not. Whatever you need today.“

He smiled , another one of this genuine warm smiles that warmed your insides and made your stomach flutter . „Am I that weird today that you think you have to handle me with  kitten  gloves?“ Still he didn’t even stand up from your bed.

„Maybe I just feel like spending my day off with you?“ , you suggested, although in a way he was right. You were worried about him and you really used kitten gloves around him today.

„You prefer spending the day with me, instead of going to a Halloween party where you could dance and drink and flirt with charming young men?“ He smirked.  „Sounds like a pathetic evening for a day like this.“

You took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to tell him that this was rather insensitive and maybe even insulting.  Even though in a way he was right. It would have been pathetic – if not for your infatuation with the man you wanted to spend the evening with. Or was it even more pathetic this way?

He noticed  his lack of manners  himself even before you knew what to say. „I beg your pardon. I … I just … you’re still young and you’re not hated  in any way . You should go out and enjoy your life instead of wasting this one day with me. There will be  festivitie s all over the country. Not to mention the memorial ceremony, where they sure want to celebrate their newly found pride of diversity as well.“

„ When I came here you followed me. You seem to crave company. Why do you want me to go now? You’re irrational today.“

He sighed and let himself fall into a lying position. „I am. And  you are right.  I do not wish to be alone today. Usually Halloween is … tough for me. But now I try to let go of this past and I don’t know if I can do it alone.“

„Why send me away then?“

„Because you’re always here ”, he said. And that made sense how? But  fortunately  Severus noticed your confusion. “ You should live your own life. I don’t need a healer anymore. And a friend should not have to forget her own life over the needs of her  friend.“  That really made sense now. And still it was bullshit.

„Okay, that’s it.  D‘you  have jeans and a normal shirt? Something less fancy  and  wizardly ?“

„Why do you  ask?“  He sound sceptical.

„Because you, my friend, are going to a party. With me. A muggle party to keep you safe, so hide your wand well or leave it here.“

„I don’t…“

You leaned over and pressed a finger against his lips.

„You don’t want to watch movies, you don’t want to be alone and you don’t want me to stay home with you. Conclusion: You and me are going out. No discussion. Go and change or I’m doing it for you. When you’re not downstairs in 30 minutes I’m coming for you.“

You felt awful forcing him to do something  you  didn’t think he’d be doing on his own. Something he might not even feel good doing at all. But at least it might be helpful to take his mind of things.

While he left your room grumbling – and stealing your sandwich -, you searched your cupboard for something breathtaking. If you went out with Severus, at least you could try to make him swoon. Or other men or women for that matter.  You didn‘t know what exactly you were hoping for. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe not even actually having a good time. But it couldn’t hurt to try.  And at least this way you would feel good about yourself.

You put on your favourite dress and chose a more complicated hair-do than usual, before applying make-up and nodding to your reflection in the mirror. Yes, you looked good. A bit tired perhaps, but that was what healers tended to look like all the time . Or  at least that was your experience. Now what did you need in your purse – magically enlarged of course?

Ever since living with Severus, you had adopted his habit of having as many useful potions as possible on stock. But what kind of potions were helpful for an outing like this? You knew there were people out there using even household detergents to drug women. Was there any potion you could take as some kind of antidote? You didn’t know. And surely you didn’t want to ask Severus before you went out, because he sure as hell would not want you to go dancing if you already worried about people having their way with you.

With a sigh you put your wand into your purse. There was a spell that could show hidden things, maybe it was working on stuff like that as well. But other than that you only packed the hangover potion and a small healing potion – because one never knew when one might stumble and fall onto something sharp. Better safe than sorry. Then you took some of the muggle money you nowadays used almost exclusively to buy groceries and went downstairs.

Severus already stood there, his hair freshly washed and combed. You could tell he tried to make it fall in a way that would hide his scar. Pity, as you had grown to like it. Not that it was beautiful in the classical sense, but it was something very unique –and the scar tissue felt kinda nice under your fingertips. Not that you had touched it in the last almost three months. But you understood that he didn’t want to show everyone how badly he got hurt once. Especially since muggles probably would not survive a wound like this and it might lead to questions.

From his throat downwards he seemed like a stranger. He actually wore blue jeans and a normal muggle pullover. No buttons anywhere, except for the one above his jeans zipper.

“Huh, you look like a normal bloke. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“What is wrong with my usual attire?”, he asked, but his lips curled a little, so you assumed he was not insulted.

“Oh, among wizards not much. I mean, when you walk quickly, you look a bit like an overgrown bat, but in some  way  you sure have style. ” Also, you happened to like bats, at least overgrown ones. “ But among muggles? They would either think you’re a vampire or that you just awoke from 100 years of coma.” You truly liked his usual old school clothes, sure. They gave him a kind of … greatness. They were intimidating, but spoke of good old manners and values as well. Not that Severus had ever seemed to be a gentleman when he was a teacher. But he had always looked like he could be.

“Are you currently trying to make me a compliment or to insult me?”, Severus asked, arching a brow, before he began taking you in.

When you answered, he was still blinking unbelievingly and you were not sure he heard you at all. “I’m just saying you look different. Perfect for blending in, but if I hadn’t known it’s you I’m not sure I would have  recognized  you. And I saw you in hospital robes, so that means a lot.”

His glance wandered upwards again, stopping at your eyes. Without a word he nodded towards the door and you followed him outside.

“Now, I did my research. There is a rather run-down workers club a few streets away. Or we could take the bus to the city centre and go to one of the fancy clubs for the people that … well …" You didn’t know how to say it.

“Who are not unemployed and living in streets that look like dumping grounds …", Severus finished the sentence  in a harsh tone . “I have lived here all my life, I know what my neighbourhood looks like. And it’s true. Ever since the mill was closed for business many people here had trouble finding new work. Today most of the houses are empty and for sale, because the people here either died in poverty or lost their homes to the bank. Some of them maybe found work again, but they moved away as soon as they could. It’s not nice, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. The people didn’t want to live this way, you know. They just lacked the money to …" He shook his head. “You’re a pureblood, there is no sense in -”

This time you stopped him, a finger on his lips again. “I was not trying to insult your street, Sev. And for somebody who once chose purebloods as his friend, you sure have a lot of prejudice. I s there any blood status you actually don’t hate? I mean, there must have been a time when you disliked non-purebloods even more.” Okay, that had been unfair. But when he insulted you based on nothing more but your blood, he really had it coming. Still you calmed down and tried to explain: “I t’s true, I never had to go to bed hungry. But we’re not that kind of purebloods that live in a mansion. We have a house only a little bigger than your own in a normal muggle neighbourhood. Middle-class I’d say. And I sure as hell haven’t been born with any of  this prejudices  towards poorer people. What I wanted to say is, that in the city the clubs seem to be … for people a little younger. Maybe a little more fortunate and thus more optimistic about live and therefore maybe a better address to forget problems for one day.  And also living further away from you and therefore unlikely to know you, which is some kind of protection, if anybody does in fact recognize you and ask around.  Merlin, what’s wrong with you? How can you think I want to insult you?”

Severus shook his head, but he seemed more angry about himself. He pointed into a direction you hadn’t explored on your trips around town yet. “Up there Lily grew up. In a nicer muggle neighbourhood. And … her sister always thought I was a freak. I had no clothes that would fit me. They were either too big, because they were my dad’s, or too small, because I had outgrown them. Lily didn’t care and her parents stopped caring once they noticed I truly liked their daughter. But Petunia, Lily’s sister, she … she hated me. She hated me for being a wizard, but also for being poor. I think on a day like this, in a town like this …" He stopped. You were not sure if he was lost for words or if he stopped himself from getting angry.

“But that means we’re definitely taking the bus. I want you to have a good time and not to relive memories ”, you decided. “ And Sev?”

“Huh?”

“She was wrong hating you, you know? Some people are just stupid. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – it only means, something is wrong with them.”

He didn’t say anything but at least he didn’t object, so you just silently made your way down to the bus stop.


	26. Clubbing

The ride took longer than you had anticipated, since you hadn’t had to use a muggle bus ever since you were a small kid. But thankfully the bus was almost void of passengers and the few that were there were neither drunk nor disturbingly loud.  Severus and you just passed the time by silently looking out the window or sometimes commenting on Halloween costumes you saw on the street.

„Should we have dressed as something else?“, Severus asked once and you shrugged.

„I honestly don’t know. I hadn’t thought they’d actually do it here, all this dressing up in costumes.  Except for kids.  I only know it from American movies. But as what would you have gone? Wizard?“ You winked. „No, I think we’ll be okay in this  clothes.“  And this way even if another witch or wizard lived in  Cokeworth  and saw you, they might have a hard time recognizing Severus  the way he looked today . It would help keeping him safe while letting him flee out of his golden cage.

Finally you left the  bus and soon you found yourself in  a busy little place full of young people. Loud music was playing, something that sounded vaguely like a girl group even though you couldn’t exactly filter out any words of the lyrics.

“A little loud”, you said for no particular reason. If Severus hadn’t noticed himself, he surely needed a healer again and this time one specialized on brain injuries  or deafness.

“Perfect for keeping thoughts of any kind at bay”, he replied and you were positively shocked. The dungeon bat liked loud music? You had thought he’d try to jinx the sound system or just run out into the quiet evening. But maybe he was right. Nothing prevented dark thoughts better than not being able to hear any thoughts at all in one’s own mind.

“I’ll get us drinks, then?”

“Something without alcohol for a start. We don’t want to …” He didn’t continue. What had he been trying to  say.  That he didn’t want it to end like last time? Why? Because he didn’t like kissing you – or you in general  in this way ? Or just because it was better if he was still able to  apparate  home? Maybe he didn’t want to imply anything about last time at all, though and just wanted to say he didn’t want this evening to end too soon?  Or that he didn’t want to stick out, because he behaved badly if he drank too much?

No, you would not let your own brain destroy this evening with self-doubt or Severus’ ever confusing behaviour. Instead you went straight to the bar and ordered two cocktails without alcohol. Mocktails they were called as you learned now. While you brought Severus a mountain mojito mocktail, you chose the virgin alternative to your favourite drink. When you reached Severus, though, he was already in deep conversation with a young lady you couldn’t help but call beautiful.  A red dress that looked almost sinful, and legs almost up to the sky. Hell, even you would have wanted to flirt with her, if she had chosen you, so you decided not to impose on the two. Y ou just handed him his drink and then looked for a spot not too crowded to drink your mocktail without damaging his chances of … well, you didn’t really want to think about what the two of them might end up doing.  Hopefully you found something to put in your ears if necessary. But if Severus had any sense of manners, he wouldn’t take her home without making sure you had  somewhere  else to go.

You found a little table close to the toilets that was free and sat down next to it, never letting your drink out of sight. It didn’t take long for a young man to spot you and come over. “All alone tonight?”, he asked and you arched a brow. The question would usually imply you weren’t alone here when he saw you on other days, but as you’ve never been here, it didn’t really make sense, did it? But then again maybe he meant it differently and didn’t think about how his question could be understood.

“Not exactly, but my flatmate has already found himself company, so I’m taking my time waiting for him to either tell me to get lost so he can flirt without me watching out for him, or to flee to me if his new friend turns out to be too much for him.” Why did you tell him that? You sounded pathetic. Maybe you were pathetic? Here you sat, hoping that Severus might look for you and forget this girl, while at the same time hoping he’d have a good time with her as maybe she was what he needed. But even if you were pathetic, that was your own private business and nothing you wanted a stranger to stick his nose in.

“So, instead of having fun yourself, you are just here as … what? Chaperone?”

Oh, great, now it sounded even worse. Severus was a grown man, for Merlin’s sake. 38, if you remembered his medical file correctly. If anyone had to be a chaperone for the other, it would be his job to look out for you and not the other way around. “Nah, I’m … just a friend, making sure my friend is  fine . He had a hard time lately and … Never mind.” Again you wondered, why you talked to a stranger about whatever was going on between you and Severus. It certainly was none of his business.

“But you could enjoy the evening yourself while being there for him in case he might need you, am I correct?”

Only now did you look up at that man. He was maybe twenty-five, probably even younger, blonde and not exactly bad looking. There was something in his smile that made him look friendly, too. You sighed. While Severus was occupied, you could have some fun of your own, right? “What do you suggest, then?”, you asked that man.

“That you dance with me.”

You shrugged and drowned your drink so that nobody could put anything in it while you were gone, then stood up. “Can’t hurt, can it? Well, maybe your toes, but I’ll try my best.”

He smiled again, taking your hand and leading you to the dance floor. He actually was  a  pretty good  dancer  and you had a lot of fun swirling around  with him .  One song faded into another and soon you lost track of time.  When the music changed to a slow dance, you  still  didn’t even feel the urge to flee. But before he could pull you closer to him, a hand came down on his shoulder.

“Might I borrow the young lady for a dance?”, Severus’ dark voice asked. “I promise you will have her back soon.”

Your dance partner simply switched over to Severus’ girl, though he glared for a second. But you gave him an apologizing smile  and that seemed to be enough for him. Especially since he had now seen the low neckline of his current dance partner.

“Enjoying ourselves, are we?”, Severus asked, resting his arms around your back after he put yours around the back of his neck. You could feel most of your body pressed against his. It seemed he had put up some weight or at least muscles again since you last had to help him in the shower. The last time you had seen him completely undressed. Pain surged through you when you thought about it. Back then it had been both simpler and more intimate with him.  Now everything felt weird and complicated.

“Well, you can talk. I just left you alone for a minute and you already had claws all over you when I came back. She’s a beauty, though. Good catch.”

Severus’ face was hidden behind a mask of Occlumency. You had learned that in those moments something inside him was in turmoil, but that he did not wish to share. But you had no idea what it was this time. Thoughts about this day 17 years in the past? Thoughts about the woman he’d soon dance with again?  About what else he wanted to do with her?  Something completely different? “That boy does not seem so bad either”, he finally said.

You shrugged. “Well, I was a little bored and I thought staring at you while you flirted wasn’t exactly making it easier for the two of you.” It was meant as a joke, but your teasing smile faded when you realized that this was basically what you had done.  Gosh, you had even held your drink in a way that allowed you to both make sure nobody messed with it and to see Severus.  “And he’s not the worst dancer in h uman h istory.”

Severus arched a brow. Maybe he wondered what you wanted to say with this sentence. You wondered, too.

You two spent the rest of the dance in silence and you were not sure if it was the awkward or the comfortable version of it. But when the song ended and he stepped away from you, you already missed his warmth. “Well, see you later, then”, you said and he nodded, leaving you to stand alone until your acquaintance reappeared.

An hour later you fought your way through the ever-growing crowd to get outside. You needed air and you certainly did not care to go back in even once you could breathe again.

You looked up at the sky. Cloudless and beautiful. Calming.  Behind you the door opened and closed again. You turned and took a breath of relief when you only saw Severus.

“Are you alright?”, he asked, his dark eyes narrowing.

“Yeah, I’m … I’m fine. I’m just getting a little tired. I think I’ll go home.”

“Why did you not come and find me?” 

You smiled. “Because you have company. You don’t have to leave just because I don’t want to stay any longer. I wanted you to go out to have fun and stop thinking about things you can’t change for a moment and I don’t want to spoil this now.”

Severus rolled his eyes. “Has it never come to your mind that I might have wished to spend the evening with you?”

It actually hadn’t. You blankly stared at him, before slowly shaking your head. “No … But … you didn’t even notice me once I came back with the drinks. I thought I … was just a disturbance from then on, so I better left you alone.”

“I might have been less than fully concentrated. But by the time I found you, you seemed to enjoy your time with a certain young man. And you gave me no hint that you do not wish to spend time in his presence.” 

“Because I thought you liked that woman. I didn’t want to ruin your chance at … whatever. Flirt, one night stand, … Love?”

He snorted. “Love? This woman? She has the intelligence of a cockroach.”

“Actually, I think cockroaches are among the more intelligent animals …"

Severus stopped you with a glare.

“So, you’re not falling in love with that stunningly beautiful woman in the club?”

“Obviously not”, he almost growled. “And you are not enjoying your time with that young man?”

You shrugged. “When it was just dancing, it was fun. But by now I know more about his dad’s car than I ever wished to know about cars at all. Do you wish to know how to keep leather seats this comfortable?” 

“No.” 

“Well, neither did I.” It was your turn to roll eyes now, but then you chuckled. “Well, at least it was fun to go out again. And I enjoyed dancing with you.”

“Likewise. Do you still wish -”

“Y/N!” The door of the club had opened again and spat out the blonde man you certainly did not wish to see again. While he was still gorgeous, you had learned how utterly shallow and superficial his character was. He came closer and lay a hand on your shoulder. “I just went to get a drink and you were gone. Is everything alright? I thought  if you wanted to leave,  I’d show you my car and then maybe … well, I’ve got a great coffee machine at home.” 

“Now  now ”, Severus stepped in before you could even say a word. With disdain clearly written all over his face, he lifted the hand from your shoulder. “We must not touch what is not ours.”

“Oh, and you decide who she belongs to, then, grandpa?”

You had your hand around Severus’ wrist in less than a second, making sure he would not get out his wand – or punch that boy who clearly wasn’t worth it. “No, he  doesn’t .  As it happens, I’m my own master.  But I  wish to  going home with him  and not you, as his home is where my home is.  Thank you for our dances, I had a really good time. But ... You and me and … the coffee machine? Not  gonna  work. Sorry.”

For a moment, anger and surprise fought on his face. What if he punched you? What if he tried  to …  But, no, Severus was with you. He wouldn’t dare. And obviously that was what he was thinking as well.  “Well, okay then …", the man shrugged and turned to go back in.

You blinked in surprise. “I hadn’t thought it could be that easy. I mean, with you here he wouldn’t have tried to force himself upon me, but … Wow. He maybe really is a nice guy. ” Severus glared and you chuckled. “Not for me, just in general . Now, what were you saying before he interrupted?” 

“I wanted to know if you still wished to go home. Otherwise … the memorial ceremony should be over by now. I would like to visit  Godric’s  Hollow.” 

You swallowed. “And you’re sure you want me there with you? I mean, I don’t want to intrude on anything personal.”

A small smile graced his lips when he reached for your hand. “It is way too late not to intrude by now. You made this decision almost six months ago. Now you’re part of this. And I think I don’t want to go alone … to say goodbye.”


	27. Closure

The village seemed fast asleep when Severus  apparated  the two of you there. He looked around and sighed. “This is exactly where I  apparated  to last time”, he noticed, rather talking to himself than to you. “I was the first to find the bodies back then.”

Your hands were still locked and you clenched his supportively. It wasn’t hard to guess what he was talking about. He had been the first to find the corpse of the woman he had loved. You couldn’t imagine what that had done to him.

“The house was over there. The door was open. James Potter was downstairs, he had tried to buy Lily and Harry time. I don’t know what for. And I don’t know why she didn’t disapparate. ” He sounded angry. At himself for not knowing? At Lily? At the world? You couldn’t tell. “ Maybe the Dark …. Maybe Voldemort had found a way to prevent apparition though I’ve never heard of a case where somebody not owning or in charge of a place could do that.” Severus had begun walking towards the spot where the Potter house once stood. He just pulled you with him, not even noticing you were still holding his hand. You wondered if he had had a real drink back in the club or if this time he was opening up without alcohol.

“Lily was upstairs with the baby”, he continued. “I had begged Voldemort to spare her. Oh, I knew she would never look at me again, I knew I had no chance to ever win her heart. But I couldn’t stand the thought of a world without her. I assumed he would grant me my wish as I had been a good servant. ” This time you knew that the look on his face was about himself. He looked utterly disgusted.  “ I had invented spells that made him more powerful than before, spells he could use to torture people, slice them open …”

You gulped  and tried to forget what you just heard. Some things you didn’t want to be in your head, giving you nightmares.

“But he would want to kill the boy.  There was nothing I could do about it myself.  And I … I went to Dumbledore. I pledged my life, everything he wanted if he just kept them safe. He was the only one who could have saved all three of them. Voldemort might have granted me one life that was to be spared. But not all three of them, not when the boy was to be his nemesis.”

By now you were in front of a ruin. You assumed it was the house the Potter family had lived in.

“Voldemort tried to grant me my wish. When he came  back three years  ago he told me he had asked Lily to stand down, to step away from her son. He did not want her to die and he gave her the chance to flee. But of course she wouldn’t. She refused and sacrificed herself for the boy.”

“So it was you … All the time it was you”, you heard a voice before the footsteps became audible. A young man came closer and it took a moment to  recognize  Harry Potter standing there in the dark. Severus let go of your hand as if he had been caught in the act. “That was the one piece of the puzzle that I wasn’t completely sure of. I knew she sacrificed herself, of course. And I … knew you asked for her life to be spared.”

“Because I told you”, Severus mumbled under his breath, but Potter didn’t hear him or just didn’t react to it.

“But I wasn’t sure. That means that it was you who saved my life back then, doesn’t it? Why would Voldemort spare a  muggleborn  otherwise? He loved to kill people like my mother. But if she had always been his intended target she would not have sacrificed herself. She wouldn’t have had the chance because she would have died, would have meant to die anyway. But he wanted to spare her. For you. And that’s how she could save me with her love in the first place. That was how she made me survive. Even back then you … saved me or at least you are the reason I could be saved.”

“It was not what I planned ”, Severus spat. It seemed to you he couldn’t take it if his mistakes looked less despicable than they were. He wanted to be guilty. “ And if I hadn’t overheard the prophecy in the first place, she … you would have never been in any danger.”

Potter shrugged. “There was a war  going on . And my parents were in the Order of Phoenix. They might have died anyway, or maybe they would have ended up like Neville’s parents. And maybe if you hadn’t heard, he would have sent another to spy on Dumbledore. We don’t know what would have happened.”

Severus shook his head. “Potter, I see you have yet to truly grow up. Always looking for heroes where none are to be found. Your father was no hero, Dumbledore wasn’t and I certainly am no ne  either. I did not save your life , not even by accident . Your mother did. And … even she was no hero. She was … special. But even she was a human being with flaws.” He swallowed and added, quieter: “It just took me a long time to see them.”

Harry spent a moment looking at the ruins. “You’re wrong”, he finally said. “I’m not looking for any heroes. Not anymore. I learned the hard way that heroes don’t exist. How many people died while I waited for the moment to confront Voldemort? Died on my behalf? And they think I am a hero. I’ve just been lucky. Or unlucky. I’ve lost so much to become the one person who could kill Voldemort. And you lost so much to play your part in making me this person. Maybe we all just had our roles that were written for us long before we were even born. I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know. But it gives … closure to know that what you did, no matter how much you and I lost because of it, led to … this. A new hope for a new generation.”

“You already told me I was forgiven, Potter. No need to repeat yourself. Especially with that many words.”

“But maybe it is time you forgive yourself?”

You had taken a step back every now and then to try and give the two men some privacy, but you couldn’t help but listen to it anyway. There was a lot you didn’t understand in the exchange between the two men. You were not even sure they both knew why they were talking or what they aimed at with their words. But you felt something … shift. There was a dynamic hidden underneath their exchange that stunned you. And you could see how wrong Severus was. Potter didn’t seem to you like a naïve boy looking for somebody, some image of perfection to cling to as a lifeline. He seemed like the old wise mentor guiding Severus down along the process of healing. Still yet again you saw two men broken by war and loss. Broken, but maybe not beyond hope.

Potter turned around and saw you. Slowly he came  to you  while Severus still stared at the house,  stepping closer and closer to it,  maybe reliving memories once more. Hopefully to finally come to peace with them.

“Funny”, Potter began. Quiet, so that Severus would not hear you  two , you assumed.

“Huh?”

“When I saw Snape in the shack, I could have sworn he had died. He had lost so much blood and his eyes … they were empty. There was no life back in them. And there was nobody around who could have saved him. And still he survived. Somebody used healing spells  long before I sent people to carry away his corpse . Somebody came into the shack without being seen and without crossing my way, and used magic to save him. Soon after I left him, I think, because he could not have survived much longer.”

A shiver ran down your spine, but you tried not to let him notice anything off about you. “What are you talking about?”, you asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

“Yesterday your father handed over a broken time-turner to the  Ministry.  One that would allow the user to go back in time for five minutes – but not any longer. One that would allow a person to jump into a shack to start healing a person but stop before it’s done as completely as possible with spells. Does that ring any bells?”

Your eyes widened, but you were met with a smile. “I did so too, once. Changed the past to save my godfather. I’m not judging you. I just wondered … why?”

What did it matter now? Why was he still looking to find the missing pieces to his puzzle? But at the same time what did it hurt to tell him. “Because you were there, in Hogwart s’  makeshift hospital. I think you talked to a Weasley and … your  muggleborn  friend....”

“Hermione.”

“Yes, her. And you said that his one was a death he would not have deserved even if he had been loyal to Voldemort. You said he died just because of a misunderstanding. And I heard you imply that he had been on our, on your side. And … I had to do it. As far as I can tell, nothing else changed. I made sure nobody noticed me and that I would not influence anything else. I just … after what you told your friends, I had to.”

His green eyes only showed understanding and warmth. “Does he know?”

You nodded. “But I’m still not sure if he not actually wanted to die.

Potter looked at you and then at Severus. “I think a part of him did. I’ve seen his memories. I think part of him wanted that closure. No more pain, guilt and no more obligations. When I was dead for a moment, during the battle, I died to make Voldemort mortal again. And for a moment I was not sure if I wanted to go back to living, either. In a way … I think I see myself in him today. I hated him all those years. I thought he hated me , too . Maybe he did. Maybe still does. But now? I think I … understand him. In a way.” 

He turned back to you. “And I hope this is enough closure for him. That he can return here, knowing he is forgiven. The only one who still needs to forgive  him  is he  himself .”

With that Potter lay a hand on your shoulder for a moment, pulled it back again and  disapparated , leaving you to wait for Severus to be ready to  go home.

Only when the sky turned to a lighter shade of grey,  showing first signs of the impending sunrise, did he turn around. At first Severus was looking for you, almost frantically. But when he saw you standing in some distance he relaxed and came over to you.

„Home?“, you just asked and he nodded, taking your hand. You could have  disapparated  on your own, you knew the way home. But no matter how much you hated side by side apparition, this was kinda nice.

You didn’t notice the small town already waking up around you, when you left, didn’t notice the prying eyes on you.


	28. Rest

Both of you had slept only a few hours and woke up around noon. You didn‘t care for even dressing today and only made your way into the kitchen in ruffled  pajamas .

„You look like hell“, Severus mumbled. He was already sitting there, wearing an old grey nightgown that you had gotten used to and despised anyway. It made him look like a grandma. But if that was what he felt comfortable in, who were you to judge?

„Likewise. I think the shadows around your eyes already have shadows of their own.“

He snickered – which sounded more than a little odd.

„How are you feeling? Except for tired, of course.“

He sobered and shrugged. „Childish, mostly. I want to take points from Gryffindor for Potter’s patronising behaviour. And at the same time I assume he was right. Which makes me want to take even more points.“

„Oh, wait til you hear that you’re no longer in a position to take any points“, you laughed, trying to cheer him up.

„10 points from (Y/H)“, he replied, but smiled anyway. „Maybe it really is time to move on. But how do I do that? What exactly does a normal life look like and where do I start?“

Poor Severus. But you didn’t know how to answer his questions. What exactly defined a normal life? Was it just having jobs and maybe one day raising children, like your parents had done? But then  one of  the teachers in Hogwarts were living a normal life. You had never  of  heard anyone of them even having a relationship. Maybe Hogwarts was home for the heartbroken?

„I don’t know. But there once was a muggle, a celebrity of sorts, who said life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. Maybe you could just go on and take every day as it is? If you fall in love ever again, you just do. If you find yourself fancying a pet, and you’re sure you can be a good owner, just get yourself one. Sure you need a certain basis to build on, but you already have a job and I assume your income is not  exactly  minimum wage.  So  from there on just … let it happen. And don’t force  it.“

„Why is it that you, only half my age, know how to give me advice on life?“

You laughed. „It’s not a real advice, Sev. It’s just what I do. You’re not alone in this. I think most people worry their whole life if they’re living it the right way. If there isn’t something even better out there. I know I do.“

You finally got moving, making yourself a coffee and just heating a canned soup on the stove. You didn‘t feel like cooking today and Severus didn’t look up to it either.

„Your suggestion yesterday … eating your candy, watching silly television and … cuddling … are you still willing to do that?“

„Oh, Merlin, yes, please. I need a lazy day if I want to be able to even remotely function at work tomorrow.“ Standing around almost a full night in the cold had really taken its toll on you.

Severus brought the soup upstairs while you took the cushions off the sofa and turned your bed into a cosy nest.

„Women are strange creatures“, Severus commented, but sat down on the bed, while you browsed the channels for something good.

You found a romantic comedy that had just started and climbed into back, making yourself comfortable under your blanket. At least until Severus claimed half of it, grinning like a mad man.

You rolled your eyes, but smiled. It felt good to see him without the usual weight on his shoulders, though you wondered if that was just a momentary change. But even if it was, he’d probably need it to regain some strength  to be able to carry the burden of his life again . At least right now he seemed to enjoy the moment, just as you had suggested.

After you both had eaten the soup, you got out the chocolate bars and candy you had bought for the children that might have appeared at your door yesterday. Now you were happy you hadn’t given any of them away.

This way Severus and you really had a fun day. Just the cuddling you had hoped for never came to be and when it got late, he went back to his own room. The only goodnight kiss you got was one peck on the cheek. Still, this was better than the no touching policy after your first kiss.


	29. Revenge is best served cold

The next morning you felt well rested and  couldn’t help  but   look  forward to  going to  work.  Today nothing could bring you down.

“Don’t eat anything causing flatulence today, otherwise you might blind people with the sunshine coming out of your arse”, Severus warned you, when you were about to leave the house, but he smiled nonetheless.

You stuck out your tongue and gave him a playful peck on the cheek before you went to your work and he probably went downstairs to do his.

Your good mood was infectious to your patients, too . It seemed like nobody was actually suffering today, for once there were no unfriendly patients that claimed to be emergencies while they just had a little cold. A nd even Mr.  Hallings , a long-term patient who tried to steal other patients’ dessert on a nearly daily basis, behaved today and as he said he only was a good boy today because he didn’t want to spoil your mood. You smuggled him in a second dessert as a thank you and he grinned at you, telling you you were his favourite healer. You knew he was lying as he relentlessly tried to court Madam  Moonickle , an elderly healer working in the poison ward on the third floor.  But it was a nice thing to say nonetheless.

Your good mood hadn’t disappeared w hen you got off work  and you weren’t as tired as usual. Actually y ou still felt  rather  brilliant and decided to buy something special to cook. You and Severus deserved to enjoy life a little more before reality came crushing in on you again. If only you hadn’t had this tingling sensation all day. As if somebody was watching you. But then again the whole day people had actually looked at you, because you were smiling most of the time.  So  this was nothing to worry about, was it?

You left St. Mungo‘s through the front door instead of just  apparating  home. Here in London you just knew better shops than in  Cokeworth , not to mention that here they were nearby. If you wanted to go to the city centre at home, you had to take the bus as there was no wizard’s shop you could  apparate  or  floo  to. So you let your feet guide you through the streets. And still you felt as if somebody was watching you.

You turned into a small street to take a short cut  to a store you knew had wonderful wine,  when you felt somebody grab your hand and then your stomach turned. You knew the feeling and there was only one person you’d accept it with.  This was s ide-by-side apparition . And t he person  apparating  with you sure was not Severus , so what the hell was this about?

„Did you ever hear the saying that revenge is best served cold? Well, you’ll be cold once he finds you“, a voice said when you arrived. You turned around and your glance fell on a woman, in her mid-forties perhaps. She actually looked  kinda  nice, a little chubby, lines of laughter all over her face. But her grey eyes seemed cold, dead.  They sent a shiver down your spine. Something felt very  very  wrong about your current situation.

“When who finds me?”, you asked, before the meaning of her words even reached your brain.  Before she even told you, you knew who she was talking about.

“That death eater of yours. Gladys told me he’d be heartbroken once he finds you and I’m looking forward to seeing his face . ”  She giggled in a way that made your blood run cold  and lifted her wand, pointing it at you.

Suddenly your body felt as if it were on fire. You couldn’t breathe, your body didn’t obey you anymore. The woman laughed, a harsh sound. Still you almost couldn’t hear her over the blood rushing in your ears. And then there was red blood streaming everywhere, dripping into your eyes. Just when the blackness claimed you, you  heared  her say something about having fun with each other for a while, about destroying you first before finally killing you. Then the nothingness came  and wrapped itself around your brain, like a comfort blanket .


	30. Awoken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you already hate me? :P

Pain shot through your whole body when the  nothingness  disappeared and the  somethingness  came back  into existed.  You  longed for  the  nothingness to soothe you again  and take you away to wherever you had just been. Where there was no pain.

„Bloomsbury“, a voice called, too loud, too close, too everything. „I believe she is regaining consciousness.“

You growled.

„Y/N?“

Why could this voice not shut up and let you embrace nothingness again ? And what was this  tingling sensation  on your hand? Hold on, you had a hand? Did that mean you had a body?

„Come back to me. Please.“ The voice sounded sad. Begging. The voice must really like you. So if you had a body, you might actually look who this voice  belonged to?

You slowly opened your eyes, jerking when the light tried to stab you. Only  a split second later there  was a dark blur  above you, blocking the light.

Slowly the blur changed and sharpened and … „I know you…“, you heard your own voice.

„Yes.“ It sounded more like a question.  Dark eyes filled with pain and uncertainty looked down on you.

 Inside you something made click. „Severus.“

His face lightened  up.  Not literally of course, because then you would have to kill him, since light turned out to be evil and hurtful. „Indeed.“

Slowly everything else came back .  You wanted to go shopping for dinner and then …  still nothing. “ What happened?“

“You don’t remember?”, he asked, openly worried.

You shook your head, but just once as it hurt pretty badly. One should think sleeping for so long would at least heal headaches.

“ I assume that is best for now“, Severus admitted reluctantly.  You didn’t exactly know why. Had you been through so much  that suppression of memories was better than facing them?  „I t hought I lost you “, Severus added .  This time his voice nearly broke with pain.

You blinked. By now even the light seemed to soften , not trying to pierce your eyes anymore . „That bad? How long was I out?“

Severus gulped. „Four  long  weeks . An eternity .“

„Holy …“ That explained why you felt like you had been run over by a whole pack of centaurs. „How did that happen?“

„Fortunately for you the Ministry can now detect the use of the unforgivable curses. And more fortunate for you that woman was incapable of actually using Avada.  You see ,  one has to want to kill, without any doubt , scruples  or hesitation,  for it to actually work.“

Avada? Somebody had tried to use Avada Kedavra on you? What for? „Don’t make me beg for every piece of information, Sev.“

„You almost died and  once again  I almost had to hold the corpse of a woman I …“ He  cleared his throat , only to be more gruff than ever before . „What more do you need to know?“

„The reason why anyone wishes to kill me would be a good start.“

Severus sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. „Because of me, of course.“ He let go of your hand. Oh, so that was the odd feeling.  „It was the same who attacked Hogwarts , they say.  Potter said she lost her son in the battle and she blames me.  Her son  had  only  been  a student, not even  old enough to really know how to fight.“ Severus shook his head. You knew as much as he might hate children,  he would not have wanted any of them to die. „ She must have seen us in Godric‘s Hollow and she recognized you as one of the healers, so … she took revenge on me through you.“

You blinked. That made no sense. „Why would she choose me? There’s nothing special about me.“

Severus rolled his eyes. „Dunderhead“, he muttered under his breath , but instead of answering your question, he just ignored it .  „She used Cruciatus on you. And then … “ His voice got colder, harsher. “She used my spell on you. My own. She cut open your body …” Severus’ face got red with suppressed anger. 

Red really wasn’t his colour, you thought. Strange. He told you how you got tortured and you couldn’t care less. All you wanted to think about was how Severus looked better, when his face was pale.

“By then the Ministry had tracked the Cruciatus and they were sending out aurors ”, Severus went on. “ Still, if she had managed  to use  Avada, they would have been too late. Instead  when she noticed she didn’t have it in her to kill this way, she bombarded you with several curses and hexes.  You were hardly more than a pulp of bones and flesh  and dripping blood  when they found you. Potter informed me the moment he arrived, because … “ He shook his head. „They needed me. Only  I know the countercurse for my spell.” Under his breath he added :  “If I ever find the person who taught her how to use it …", before  he continued. “I can’t believe I am actually thankful for Potter doing something.  I came momentarily  and did my best. Still I ...  You were … I thought … it reminded me of that night 17 years ago.“

It really had been bad then.  You were thankful you didn’t remember a single second of what had happened.  This way you felt nothing hearing what happened to you. The only thing that made you feel anything was the look on his face.  „Severus? Help me move, please?“

He blinked in confusion. „Where to?“

„Just to the side a little, so that you can sit next to me. You still owe me cuddling. And I think after almost dying I earned  it.“  But actually you only thought that he looked like he needed it.

One hand  under your knees and the other on your back Severus lifted you as if you weighed nothing and set you down again on the edge of the bed, before he came cuddling you.

„Usually I prefer my patients alone in their beds“, Bloomsbury bursted in  a few minutes later , but thankfully he was smiling. „But then again since you have occupied every other centimeter of this room this last four weeks  with all your papers , this actually is an improvement. Still I need you to get out of this bed and room long enough for me to check up on my patient.“

Paper? He wasn’t talking to you, that much was clear. But what WAS he talking about? Only now did you notice that almost everything around you was white with paper. Huh. But you just ignored it for the moment. There were more important things, right? Like getting a real check-up.

You didn’t want to let Severus go. But you knew the drill, you had been on the other side of this so often by now. „Can I have chocolate? Then you c ould maybe  get me som e?“  You only wanted to give Severus something to do so he wouldn’t run mad. Well, that was the main reason. Maybe you actually longed for some sweets.

Severus nodded and climbed out of your bed again before leaving the room.

„So, I have almost died and spent a month in something like a coma and now you wanna just throw me out?“, you asked a little later  in disbelief.  You’ve seen the results of the examination as well, had run a few of the spells yourself, too, to see if Bloomsbury was right. He was. Still you couldn’t believe it.

„I do not wish to throw you out, Miss L/N.  But now  that you have awoken and there is no damage to your brain, you are in no need of my immediate help anymore. All you need are potions, rest and physical therapy to regain the muscle strength you have lost in the  last  four weeks.  As a matter of fact  I know a potion master willing to deliver the necessary potions directly to you, and  I believe you already know how to do physical therapy. Nevertheless I will be giving Mr. Snape a chart of the positions and movements and he will be the judge if you need me to come and visit you every two days to supervise your efforts.“

That sounded so off, that you wondered if Severus was behind this. If he had threatened Bloomsbury with anything just to get you back home. But why would he do that ?  He had already shown the tendency not to leave your side for more than just a few hours, but was he so clingy he could not even wait for you to get well? Or was the woman trying to kill you still at loose, so he thought he had to protect you? Or could that be him giving something back after all the time you had been there for him?

„Is it really safe for me to go home?“, you asked  again.  „I‘ve just woken up after such a long time, can I really be healthy enough to stay at home without any healer there?“ You were not sure if you actually liked the thought of going home so soon. You didn‘t like the hospital when you were a patient, you hated the food, the beds and most of all the boredom without any muggle technology. But the thought of risking your health just to get back to your television, wasn’t a very pleasant one either.

„ As I said, spells  show no damage to your brain. The only medical condition you still have are sore muscles and that is a problem that won’t be gone over night. In fact, once you work on regaining strength, your muscles should hurt even worse. Don’t overdo yourself with sports, though.“

That drill you knew, ever since having to treat Severus. No matter how much he hated therapy, you still had to stop him from working too hard, so he wouldn’t tear a muscle or hurt himself even worse.

Bloomsbury seemed to notice that you were still being reluctant to the idea. „Would you feel better if I were coming over to give you physical therapy every two days and make sure that there is really no underlying damage to your body?“

You didn‘t really like your boss, but you didn’t really hate him either. And you were sure Severus would keep an eye on him. So you nodded. „Yes.“ You wanted a professional to care for you as you didn’t trust yourself to be objective when it came to your own body – and as much as you trusted Severus, he was no healer. He could give you every potion necessary in a heartbeat, but recognizing signs of bigger health issues? Not his forte as far as you knew.

Bloomsbury nodded. „Very well. I will take care of the paper work and this evening you can go home.“

You still didn’t know how to feel about going home when Severus came back in , but the thought of him banished all other thoughts from your mind.  He was carrying more chocolate then you could eat in a month. This was very, very odd.  And really sweet of him.


	31. Home again

“I have some kind of a deja-vu", you said, when Severus helped you up the stairs. He led you to your room and helped you lie down. He even tugged you in, lightly kissing your forehead. Okay, the day was getting weirder and weirder and after almost being killed this was something that should not be possible.

“I will be right back. I only have … things left in your hospital room that I need to retrieve. Do not run away.” He gave you a strict glance and despite rolling your eyes you had to smile. As if you could run.

Within minutes Severus came back, his arms full of the paper you had already forgotten about. Hold on. “You’re using paper?”, you asked, maybe a little too triumphant.

“I … yes.”

Small squares were printed on it and most pages were filled with meticulous handwriting that didn’t look like it had been done with ink and quill. “Huh, you’ve grown fond of muggle pens, then. Told you they were better than being ink stained all the time. What are you working on?”

Severus bit his lips. “You might have been right about a lot more than that. I am … working on my memoirs.”

“Really?” You couldn’t believe it. He had been so opposed to the thought.

“After that woman was caught … I do not wish for anyone to get hurt on my behalf. And Potter agreed with you that this might help to get people to understand my side of the story.“ Severus sighed and shrugged, before going on. „Some might hate me even more if they know what my life looked like. But he does believe that it might help to protect you. Though I will not write about your time travel, of course.”

"Thank you.” Otherwise not only psychopathic wanna-be murderers would be coming after you, but the Ministry as well. “Are you sure you’re ready to show people that you do have a heart? You don’t have to, you know? Not on my behalf.”

Severus smiled sadly. “To be honest, I’m not doing this just on your behalf. And I’m not doing this for myself, either. But … my life has been full of mistakes. Both on my part and on others’. I think … maybe I can help people with it. Help them not to repeat my mistakes.”

There was more to it, you could tell from the look in his eyes. Maybe he was also hoping that he could save other little boys and girls from being tormented? That he could open up people’s eyes on the pressure of being a Slytherin or … Well, you assumed that there was more to his life than even you knew. Maybe there was also more that he wanted to prevent in future generations?

You nodded and took his hand to squeeze it. “I think it’s a good decision.” It wasn’t what you really wanted to say. But telling him that you were looking forward to learning more about him was just as much out of question as telling a man twice as old as you were that you were proud of him.

“Now … I should make dinner. What do you wish to eat?”

“Actually … I really like your pancakes. I know it’s a little late for something that big, but to me it’s still morning. I just woke up.” You winked.

“Consider it done”, Severus nodded and reluctantly removed his hand from yours. He seemed to need to tear his eyes from you, but then he left the room, leaving you to think.

What was happening between the both of you? And what had happened to Severus that he became that affectionate? Not that you disliked it in any way, rather the exact opposite, but what had made him change? And how long would he stay this way?

A knock on your door interrupted your thoughts. “Y/N? Are you up to receiving visitors?”, Severus asked, only sticking his head into the room.

You blinked in confusion. Since when could anyone come to his house? Well, except for Potter, the minister and Bloomsbury and neither of them would visit you, would they? Still you nodded.

Severus opened the door wider and let your parents in. Your parents?

“What are you doing here?”, you asked, then bit your tongue. Not the nicest greeting, was it? “Sorry, I just mean … I thought the wards wouldn’t let anyone in. And I thought you didn’t know …"

“It has been a long month, darling”, your mother said. “We have gotten to know Mister Snape rather well as he would not even hear of leaving your side while you were asleep. And thus he invited us to come and visit you.”

Your father just grunted. You bit back a smile. He hated going out in the evening and surely he wished himself back on his sofa right now.

“Would you care for some pancakes, Mr. and Mrs. L/N?” By now Severus was already back downstairs in the kitchen, at least his voice sounded far away.

“Say yes, you won’t regret it”, you told them and they agreed. “So … you’re not angry I’m living here? I really meant to tell you, but …”

“At first I was furious”, your mother told you. “I tried to keep him away from you in the hospital. I thought it was his fault you got hurt. And … in a way it is, isn’t it?” But before you could object, your mother raised a hand to silence you. “But he fought me with such determination … And maybe if this mad woman thought she’d hurt him by hurting you, you two really must be close …”

“Still separated bedrooms”, your father mumbled.

Oh Merlin, you knew where this was going. “We’re just friends. Maybe best friends.” And truly, he had grown to be your best friend this last few months. Maybe not in the way that you could call him up in the middle of the night to cry when a boyfriend left you. But in comparison to your other friends you two were closer and spent more time with each other. And as he saw you as his only friend, you naturally were his best friend. “But nothing more.”

“Uh huh.” Your mother was not convinced. Neither were you, but she didn’t have to know that there might be something else between Severus and you. Not before you were sure yourself.

“But you’re okay with me being here?”

“After long discussions … your father has reminded me that you are an adult now.”

“Had to show her your birth certificate, before she gave up”, your father interrupted.

Your mother sighed and nodded. “While I would prefer you living with female flatmates and maybe more than just one, just to be safe, this is your life. And by now the Ministry assumes me you both are no longer in any current danger, so …”

“What your mother is trying to say is that you have her blessing”, your father said and gave his wife a small peck on the cheek. “And mine, too, of course. Especially since we are now allowed to visit you whenever we like.”

You groaned. That was what your friends had warned you about. Parents visiting and seeing if you were capable to keep the house clean. And parents visiting at the most impossible times without so much as a warning. “At least give me a one day notice, please”, you asked. “Just … well, sometimes I have the night shift and you don’t want to come here only to find the house empty, right?” Well played, you had found a good reason to keep them from annoying you whenever they felt like it. If it worked, that is.

When your parents were finally gone, you felt drained. As much as you loved them, as visitors they were … straining. And though you had slept for ages, you already felt ready to fall asleep again.

„At least now the confrontation is over and they know your whereabouts.“ Severus let himself fall down on your bed.

„Not sure that was the right decision“, you joked and yawned. Then you turned to him. He was in your bed. Not that you minded, but why? „Sev? Will you stay with me tonight?“

„I have stayed with you ever since you were attacked. I don’t intend to stop now.“ He smirked and pulled you into his arms. Curious and curiouser.

You rested your head on his chest and closed your eyes. Still it was him who started snoring first. But instead of keeping you awake, his small noises lulled you into sleep.


	32. Frustrating parallels

Waking up in his arms was strange. You couldn’t say it was pleasant, though you only despised that he had forgotten to change into night clothes and you had forgotten to even notice when you were dead tired. Now his buttons pressed into your cheek.

Slowly you pulled away, careful not  wake him. Unfortunately when you tried to stand up, you crashed to the floor with a loud thud.

He was wide awake in a heartbeat.  „Y/N“, he called your name, frantically looking for you to find you on the small carpet that  had already been lying next to the bed when you first moved in. „What are you doing down there.“

You rolled your eyes. What did it look like that he even had to ask? Still you remembered the day when he had crashed down in the bathroom and how he snapped . How awful you both felt. Y ou didn’t want to repeat this. “I hadn’t expected me to be that weak. I just wanted to stand up, pee, maybe take a shower.” After four weeks asleep it was probably time to clean yourself up a bit , though you felt as if somebody had been washing you every now and then. Or at least you didn’t stink.  “But my knees are too weak and wobbly to even take me two steps.”

“Frustrating, isn’t it?” 

Oh, how you wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. How dare he find that funny? 

“Well, my dear, I think it is time that you learn how to be on the other side of this. Now I  am taking care of you.”

You glared and his smirk widened. Great, he was enjoying being the superior again. And in a way you could understand him. While you had never tried to let him feel weak when you were his healer, to rub it into his face, he must have still hated not to be able to take care of himself. This was his chance at revenge. But you hadn’t expected to feel that helpless, that frustrated. No wonder he had snapped at you  back when the situation was reversed . It was rather a miracle he had only done it once and that late on his way of healing.

Severus stood up from the bed and kneeled down next to you. His smirk was gone when the back of his forefinger lightly caressed your cheek where one could still see the imprints of his buttons. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t planned on falling asleep so soon, otherwise I would have changed. I had planned on waiting until you were asleep,  then cleaning the house and coming back to you,  but it seems I had underestimated my own exhaustion.”

You rolled your eyes. No matter how much you liked his tender ministrations, there was something more  urgent. “Severus? Toilet, please.”

Only now did he seem to think about this properly because what little colour had been on his face disappeared. Severus looked pale like a hospital wall. Still he nodded and helped you make your way to the bathroom , to the toilet and then to the tub .

“That was not how I pictured seeing you naked the first time”, he commented a few minutes later when he sat you down on a stool  in the shower , your back to him, just like you had done it with him when this was his place in the shower .

“Oh, so you thought about it, then?” Your mood had only  enhanced slightly, but this information caused you to smile anyway.

You could feel him  roll his eyes  even without seeing it. „I thought that much was obvious.“ He drenched you in warm water , careful not to let it drip into your eyes and nose.

„ Was it?“ He had kissed you once, sure. But that didn’t  necessarily mean that he thought about anything else regarding you.

„I am a male human being and, as far as I can tell at this point of my life, heterosexual. While living with a person of the other gender, a specimen of this category is prone to at least think about it once. That does not imply that he actually acts upon it in any possible way or even deepens the thought, but I would lie  would I tell you  I not at least thought about it in theory. After all we use the same bathroom and I have more than once seen you in nothing but a towel.“

„Not my fault my clothes don’t find their way to the bathroom on their own when I’m still sleepy“, you mumbled.  You were trying to shampoo your hair while your arms already grew weary.  How had Severus managed to live this way for about two months? No wonder he had thought about giving up life at a point. Not that you were actually thinking about it.  You knew one day soon you’d be back in shape. You only wished there‘d be a shortcut.

„And?“, you asked, mostly to keep yourself from brooding.

„And what?“

„How is it, then? Seeing me naked?“

Severus sighed.  You could tell he wished to change the topic, but he had started it. Now he had to suffer.  „At the moment it feels strictly professional to be honest. All I can think of is how I am scared to hurt you even more. How the water could be too hot or too cold, or how the shampoo could get into your eyes, … Now that you need my help, I am mostly overwhelmed by the fear of doing anything wrong.“ Grumbling he added: „Such an annoying feeling. Make it end, please.“

You smirked.  It was a feeling you only knew too well . When you had first started to care for him it had been even worse . „And now  imagine for one moment that you were a kid and I was your teacher, strict, snarky, a bit bitchy at times  and downright mean on really bad days. And now you have to take care for me.  That’s what it felt like for me, at least at first. I was so scared you’d bite off my head.“

“An alluring idea that may have crossed my mind in the first days.”

“What made you change your opinion?”, you asked him, while you soaped your front and let him soap your back. His hands felt like they would massage you.  Maybe you leaned back into his touch … 

“If I remember correctly you said you had grown to like me because I made you laugh. The same can be said about me liking you at first. I liked to banter with you and while you had not dared to talk back as a student you were now more than willing to.” 

“Still am, you just seem so tame by now.”

Severus chuckled and rinsed the soap from your body. “Patience. Right now it would be unfair to challenge you in your weakened state.”

He helped you stand and wrapped you in a fluffy towel. Since when were the towels in this house that fluffy? And pre-warmed? Oh, he really  wa s  s poiling you. Severus was carrying you back to your bed and handed you some clothes, helping you as much as you needed with dressing, before sitting down next to you.

„So… are we going to talk about the big fat elephant in the room, or are  we going to tiptoe around it some more?“, you asked,  snuggling into his side.

„What elephant?“

„Well, on Halloween you talked about letting go of the past. The last I remember was you wanting to spend the evening with me and us  spending the day in bed , but hardly touching.   And … then I wake  up after four weeks and you basically lived  next to my bed,  you’re all touchy-feely. I mean I like it.  But what does it mean for us? Does it mean anything for us at all?“

„I thought, I was being obvious .“  Severus  pulled you a little closer.

„No, not really. Mixed  signals  all the way. “

Severus sighed, a little exasperated.  „I … I cannot promise  you  anything.  And even if it will work out, I  cannot promise you my whole heart, because parts of it will always be broken and other parts have died,  with the crimes I committed and the guilt I have taken upon me. But  if you  would like , this broken man is yours for  the time being.“

„What made you change your  mind?“  If he had gotten a Knut every time you asked him this question in the time you two lived under the same roof, he’d probably be a millionaire by now. Still you couldn’t help asking.

„I did not change anything.  To change one’s mind, one has to make it up first. I only finally made a decision“, he  explained.  „ Holding your limb body in my arms …  It was too real, too similar.  When I thought I lost you, I  … it hurt too much. I had missed my chance . And I regretted missing it.“

„But I survived.  I’m still here and so is your chance. “

„Thankfully. “  His hand drew lazy circles on your back.

S omehow you felt as if not much had changed – and at the same time everything was different. He was yours now, at least until he was fed up with you, but at the same time you could picture this cuddling as something that could have happened before, too. At least before the kiss, before he had craved physical distance all of a sudden.

It was not a bad feeling, though.  Maybe it just meant that you were comfortable with him being close, and he was with you.  That you just naturally walked and now crossed the line between friends and lovers.  Not the worst way to start a new relationship, was it?

Severus looked so content, while at the same time slightly nervous. You grinned. Poor darling. He probably felt awkward talking about love and getting together. He hadn’t had much practice as far as you knew.

You smiled to yourself and noticed how it got harder to keep  your  eyes open.  When you were about to doze off again, which would have probably led to his buttons leaving marks on your cheek again, Severus lightly shook you. „I should make you breakfast. Do you want to stay in bed or should I carry you downstairs?“

You blinked sleepily and shrugged.

„Okay, downstairs it is. You can’t spend all day sleeping , that’s bad for … Bloomsbury said something. I can’t quite remember.“

„Circulation“, you mumbled. „Blood pressure  drops when you don’t move and if you sleep too much, you only get more tired.“  You squeaked when suddenly there was no bed under your body any longer.  But Severus held you tightly and  brought you downstairs to the kitchen where he sat you down on a chair.

„Breakfast will be coming soon, Mylady“, he said and you watched him flick his wand a little more dramatically than necessary to force coffee and food to prepare themselves. You smiled. You had an overexaggerating drama queen as your boyfriend. And maybe , just maybe  you wouldn’t want to have it any other way.


	33. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of PTSD in this one, perhaps. But not too graphic, I hope.

„Bloomsbury  said  I only had to work out every two days“, you whined .

Severus smirked . He had just served you breakfast and was now getting out your sports clothes from your cupboard.  Your parents had been that evil – or helpful as they put it – to look through the attic for more than just the one set and this way you had enough jogging suits, sweat pants and sports bras to last you probably through a tour de france-length event. Unfortunately this way Severus had all the more reason to pester you.

“No reason to stay in bed all day”, he replied, watching you eat your breakfast as slowly as you could to delay the inevitable. “I want you up on your feet as soon as possible.”

“I rather think you enjoy this position. Once again you’re able to tell me what to do.” You didn’t really mean to imply that he treated you wrong in any way, which is why you grinned. “You love being in control, don’t you?”

Severus rolled his eyes. He came closer and leaned in, whispering in your ear: “I really want you to get well again. If you haven’t noticed by now, I do care for you. Being able to boss you around for a while is just a … special feature.”

You laughed. But before you could wrap your arms around him and pull him closer to you, get him to come back to bed, he pulled away, leaving you to sigh in mild frustration. You finished your breakfast and changed into your sports clothes. Severus had turned his back to you, as usual when you changed. Sometimes you didn’t understand him. He’d seen you naked so many times now, but he always seemed to be trying not to actually see anything. Sure, you had never really looked either, when you were taking care of him, but back then you hadn’t been his girlfriend. You surely would have looked if you had been back then. And by now you regretted not looking, not that his looks really mattered when you had fallen in love with his personality.  Still … it would have been nice. 

What if he didn’t think you were attractive? But then again if he actually found you utterly disgusting, that much, that he couldn’t bear to look at you, he would ne ver  have told you he wanted to try having a relationship,  would  he?

“Ready?”, he asked , interrupting your thoughts .

“Yep.”

He turned around and helped you stand up. Whenever you did, your knees still tried to buckle, before they got used to carrying your weight. And after a few seconds of swaying you had found your balance and your knees complied, so Severus let go.

He stood behind you while you made your way to the mat you had brought with you when you moved in for good and watched you lay yourself down on it. Comfortable enough, maybe you could just stay here without moving? 

But Severus crossed his arms and jerked his head in challenge , urging you to do something a little more sportive.

“Why are you tormenting me?”, you asked in a whine, trying to tease him a little more. You know as long as you didn’t overdo yourself, a little daily exercise  actually  wasn’t that bad.  If you had been working out with weights you muscles might need a day to regenerate themselves, but you were only doing physical therapy, exercises that were meant to be done on a regular basis.

“Well, actually … You had me on the floor doing all this silly motions. … Remember what I told you back then?” He grinned. “Revenge is best served cold.”

You froze. That saying … 

“Y/N?” Severus ’  grin had disappeared and was replaced by open worry. “You are trembling. I didn’t … You don’t have to …” 

You shook your head in sharp jerks  that hurt your muscles, still weary and sore from the long time you were asleep . “I heard that before”, you said , not even really noticing the pain . “About revenge.”

“Back in June I used this phrase-” 

But you interrupted him, still shaking your head. “No, not … that.  Not you.  I think … she said it, before …" Your voice broke before you could finish the sentence. But then again you didn’t even know how to do it. What had  happened,  really? And how should you address it?

“Who?”, Severus asked, but you didn’t have to answer  when understanding dawned on his face . “Oh.” He sat down on the floor and gathered you in his arms. “I didn’t know. I am sorry, truly utterly sorry.”

What was he sorry for? He had not been the one doing something to you that you didn’t even remember. You didn’t even know why his words had shocked you that badly. Why you were acting this way. You didn’t want to. Those were just words, nothing more. They held no relevance. But then why did you feel as if all you could do right now was to cry? But no, you wouldn’t cry. Not because of … of what exactly anyway?

“Could I get a glass of water, please?”, you asked Severus and he rushed to hand  you  the glass that  had been  standing on a little bedside table. You drowned it in large gulps and felt a little better when you gave him back the empty glass. 

“Alright. Sports it is, then”, you decided, your voice a little void of emotion. But you didn’t want to feel right now, because you didn’t understand your feelings. You couldn’t handle them right now.

“You don’t have to-”, Severus tried to say.

“I have to get this out of my system. I need exercise. I need to feel something else right now.  Anything.  Help me, please.”

He nodded and got out the sheet with instructions, giving you orders which exercise to do when.


	34. On your feet

„Finally I’m allowed to work  again“ , you cheered while you were putting on your healer robes.  You had to bite back a grin when you noticed that you had missed them. Missing something in as awful a colour as lime green sure was a sign that one had been inactive for way too long, right?  „I can’t wait to be up on my feet again.“

The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster ride. Severus had been great, truly, but  while you liked lazy weekends in bed, you grew restless and nasty when you just couldn’t leave  pillow and blanket for an extended period. You had bored yourself half to death , which he had commented with: „Now you see what this feels like.“  You didn’t point out that you didn’t even have a healer you could annoy for fun, like he had.  Well, you could have done it, sure, but unfortunately he was also your landlord and boyfriend, so driving him nuts was  far from what you wanted.

Finally he had given in and allowed you to help him with his potions delivery, as long as you were sitting down while cutting his ingredients. This way you still spent the time in a productive way, learning for your final exams  you hoped you could take in August .

Severus grumbled. “Still don’t know why you get back to work just now.”

Once again you felt a pang of guilt.  “I had already agreed to make the Christmas shifts back in the summer, so that my colleagues could plan their vacation”, you tried to explain it. Again.

“But why?” 

“They pay you more when you work the holidays. And I thought it only fair. My parents are working, too, and I had nobody I would want to spend Christmas with anyway.”

He looked down on his hands. “You had me.”

You laughed softly and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Back when I agreed on these shifts, I didn’t have you, love. Back then I thought you'd  wanna  get rid of me as soon as possible.”

“But I don’t. Quite the opposite”, he said and sighed.  “And if you tell them you’re not up to work yet? Surely after what you have been through …"

“And leave St. Mungo’s understaffed?” You gave him a pointed glance and wrapped your arms around him. “I can’t do this just because I might want to spend the holidays with my … boyfriend.” Strange word to say it to a man close to his forties. “It’s only three days.”

“Three days in which you are gone completely.”

“I know, I know. Don’t think I like sleeping in hospital beds. But it’s necessary when I’m on call, at least as long as there are so few of us around.” You hated it, too.  The last six months you had never left  Severus’  side for longer than a few hours. You knew you’d miss him badly.

But at the same time this gave you a chance to slip away for an hour or two to find a gift for Severus. While he had been watching your every step, it was even impossible to make a list of what ideas you came up with. Buying something for him had been out of question.

Severus was still moody like a child. You wondered why. Had he planned something big, or was he just reluctant to let you go again, for the first time since the attack?  In any case he made sure that you knew he’d miss you, without even saying it.

„I’ll miss you,  too“ , you said, softly kissing him.

Kissing didn’t  came  naturally just yet. While you had been  sick  he hadn’t dared to really kiss you. He claimed your lungs might not be up to it, and maybe he was right with that, but since his only real kiss in life so far had been drunkenly snogging you, you guessed he was just a little nervous. So apart from short pecks you were the one initiating  kisses  and he was the one pulling back way too soon for your liking. Just as he did now. One day you’d have to talk about this. Didn’t he like kissing? But now you just didn’t have the time.

„ I’ll see you on Boxing Day, love. And then we’ll cook dinner together and celebrate, okay?“  A little selfish perhaps, but after three days in hospital you sure would need good food.

Reluctantly Severus nodded, and you let go off him.  „Love you“, slipped out of your mouth the second you disapparated – only to leave you staring at the foyer of St. Mungo’s. What had you just done?


	35. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of torture and possibly PTSD in this one!

You loved Christmas at St. Mungo’s. Everything was brighter and cosier than usual and the nicer brothers of howlers were singing carols for the patients that had to stay over the holidays. Which in turn made the patients nicer and more cheerful. 

But the best thing about Christmas were the emergencies. No other day of the year was filled with so many bizarre injuries. A wizard had somehow managed to hex fairy lights into his own belly. He glowed quite nicely but suffered from indigestion. 

A witch, on the other hand, had managed to transform her three year old child into a snowman but couldn’t find the counterspell as Finite Incantatem would not work on her now melting son. 

For a healer in training, Christmas was paradise. You could clock so many hours of emergency room work and so many medical procedures you needed to learn before you were allowed to take the exam. This was even better than Easter and the man who had found himself a body part he could transform to Easter Eggs… 

But as much as you loved the challenge of Christmas shift, it was not the best day to start working again after weeks of mostly being in bed or sitting down. 

You felt drained when you finally had a minute to yourself on Christmas Day. You had just wrapped Severus’ gift and now you were thinking about stealing one of the bedpans to fill it with hot water and bathe your hurting feet when somebody knocked on the door of the staff room. 

Sheila came in. She was one year above you and had been your mentor in the first few months of apprenticeship. Now she was a fully trained healer, but most of the time she still acted like you were equals. „I see you’re back on your feet“, she greeted you with a warm smile. 

„Not exactly the phrasing I’d have chosen right now“, you replied, lifting your feet you had just been rubbing to at least ease some tension. 

Sheila grinned and took out her wand, whispering a few syllables. „Really, if you wanna be a healer, you should learn that it’s okay to use the spells on yourself, too.“ 

Your feet had stopped hurting, just like your calves. You didn’t feel rejuvenated exactly, but this really was an enhancement. Stretching your legs, so that they would not start hurting so soon again, you looked at Sheila. „Thanks. But that’s not the only reason you came over, is it?“ 

Sheila shook her head, smiling. „Nah, call me Santa. I come bringing gifts. You still have a few mental ward patients to check off on your exam list, right?“ 

You had. Your plan of helping in the mental ward for a month had died when you had almost died. You could reschedule, of course, but since every trainee had to learn how to treat mental patients, while the patients needed some sort of routine and rest, it wasn’t easy to get a spot in the ward’s schedule. You weren’t sure if they still had a spot until August, so maybe they were the reason you had to stay a trainee for another year. 

„Well, it’s a little cheat what you’ll be doing now, but the Ministry sent over one of their criminals. They say she’s clearly mentally ill after a few stray curses she took when she didn’t wanna get caught. And now that her questioning is over, she’s to be transferred to us for as long as it takes. We’re to make her entry check.“ 

Checking her for any non-mental illnesses and injuries and healing her body before the mental ward was trying to heal her mind. Standard procedure for mental patients. „And I can cross off a mental of my list with her, are you sure?“ 

Sheila nodded. „Legally she already is a mental patient, so yes. That’s how I took my exam in time. After the battle of Hogwarts, there were so many incoming mental patients, that me forgetting to schedule my month at the ward didn’t matter anymore. Lucky me.“ She grinned. 

It was true, she was lucky. The mental ward was not for the faint of heart, you heard. Oh, you had none of the stereotypes that could be seen in Muggle movies. Nobody repeatedly crashed their head against the wall or something like that. It wasn’t told to be a traumatizing experience. Just utterly sad. People like your former professor were there. Lockhart had lost his memory somehow, rumour had it that he did so in Hogwarts. And now he had the mental capacities of a pre-school child and even now, years later, they weren’t sure if he could ever spend a life on his own. 

The fates of the patients were the main reason most of the trainees dreaded to work in the ward. The job of keeping company and reminding of nap time was easy enough, but going home when you knew these people might never do the same again in their life? Not being able to do anything for the long-time patients? That was too much for many to handle. 

„Damn, I should have worked here, back then“, you joked. But no, you wouldn’t have missed your time in Hogwarts for the world. If you had not worked in the castle after the battle, your boyfriend would still be dead, maybe eaten by worms by now. That was a price you were not willing to pay. 

„Come on, she’ll be delivered any minute“, Sheila told you and you put on socks and shoes before washing your hands and following her. 

You two were waiting in the shock room, when two mediwizards and Potter came in. What was he doing here? Oh, probably he was the auror making sure his criminal wouldn’t escape, right? 

But he seemed to be thinking the same about you, wondering what you were doing here, because when he saw you his formerly relaxed face became a grimace and he bit his lip. 

Okay, what was going on here? That woman was just a patient, wasn’t she? A criminal one, sure, but you had treated Severus before he was cleared of all charges – and he stilled killed somebody. So this wasn’t your first time treating criminal. 

You lightly leaned over the woman, smiling to her. „Well hello and merry Christmas. I’m healer apprentice L/N and I will just do a quick check on you, then you can go to your new room.“ 

It was the hatred in her eyes that made things click in your head. You took a step back, slammed against the wall. By the time you had reached down the floor, sliding down ever so slowly, Potter was already with you. „You remember, then?“ 

You were gasping for air like a fish out of water, clutching your chest that hurt like you had never experienced it before. All you could do is nod. You remembered … was it everything? Was there more that lay hidden behind the veil of your subconsciousness? Potter gave you a hand and pulled you up and out of the room, so that you wouldn’t have to stare at the woman anymore. When Sheila wanted to follow, he just shook his head. 

He softly forced you to sit down in a chair. Where were you? Was this just a corridor or had he dragged you into another room? You could not remember where he had led you. All you knew was that you had been tortured. That this woman had pointed your wand at you and had used the Cruciatus on you until your every cell screamed in pain and the blackness had claimed you. No. There was something else. Blood. Severus had said she had cut you open, hadn’t he? He had also said that woman had used his spell. That he had been the only one to know the counter curse. That meant he had saved your life, right? So you were even, not that you were counting. 

You tasted blood. Did you bite yourself? Was that just a reminiscence of the memories coming back? 

“Can I get you anything? Snape maybe?”  

Oh, you had forgotten, Potter was there. How could you have forgotten him? Still you shook your head. Then you licked your lips, hoping the movement would cause your body to produce enough saliva to help your dry throat. You felt no wound. So the taste of blood was just an illusion, then? Swallowing hard you turned your head to the young man. “Not Severus. Water, please. Maybe chocolate?” 

He nodded and it felt like only seconds had passed when he helped you gulp down a cup of water. “Are you sure I shouldn’t get Snape? He could … take you home?” 

You shook your head vehemently. “He’d never let me come here again”, you barked out a laugh that felt wrong. Empty, toxic. “He’d be too overprotective. Not a word to him, okay? I’m fine.” Were you, though? You were not sure. You felt drained. But all this pain was in the past. You were healthy and working. Still something inside you felt broken, something that had been intact only minutes ago. It felt like when Severus had said those words a few days ago. No. It felt like back then when you saw Severus being tortured, only a thousand times worse. 

Potter chuckled lightly. „He would, wouldn’t he? But are you sure you can keep on working after that?“ 

You weren’t. Even now, nibbling the chocolate, Potter had handed you, it felt as if your brain was numb, as was your soul. You felt as if you had a certain distance to everything around you. Nothing could really reach you. Probably just the shock, you knew. It would all come back to you and only then would you really know if you were alright. If you ever could be alright again. But you didn’t wish to sit around at home waiting to see if you came out unscathed. Especially not under Severus’ watchful eyes. „I’ll manage”, you decided for yourself. “I’ll even go back in there and do my job. I’m not letting her get what she wanted. I won’t let her destroy me.” With that you found your strength and stood up. Your knees felt a little wobbly, but you wanted to look your demons in the face and laugh at them – or at least make sure you could treat them before you sent them off to the mental ward where they belonged. 

When you came back out, you were trembling and sweating, but you had managed to do your job. And you were prouder of yourself than ever before in your life. Potter was still there, handing you another cup full of water. 

„Still alright?“, he asked. „Can I leave you alone without Snape going after me if he ever finds out what happened today?“ 

„So you’re just here because you’re afraid of him?“, you asked teasingly. 

Potter smiled and shook his head. „I still have a job to do here. We’re understaffed and … well, that patient wanted to hurt the man that kept me alive all those years.“ 

Interesting. Had he grown to like Severus after all the animosity? But after all Severus had buried his hatred for Potter as well after the attack on you. „How did she end up this way anyway?“ 

„She tried to flee during her trial and they had to attack her. Unfortunately many of the wizards present reacted instantly and she was hit by a multitude of different spells and … well, now she seems to have lost her mind. But we’re not sure if it’s just a trick. That’s why she’s here. We want to be sure.“ 

You didn’t know what to think. How could the Ministry let something like this happen to one of the criminals they were responsible for? This wasn’t any better than what had been done to Severus during his … you didn’t even dare thinking of it as a trial. Hadn’t Shacklebolt told you that he wanted to make things better? Hadn’t he said so in front of the whole country? 

But then again maybe it really was just a trick. The mental ward sounded better than a prison, right? Maybe this … woman just tried to escape persecution. You hoped so, in a way. It meant that she had really left the path of everything good, and that the Ministry was not hurting people again. 

„Physically there’s nothing wrong with her but few bruises“, you told him, unsure what else to say. „I can’t judge her mental state, though. I’m not specializing in mental health.“ 

He just nodded and sighed. „But if you’re through with her, I should best get going. Need to take her to the ward and make sure all the spells are in place. Don’t want her going after anyone else ever again, right?“ He inclined his head as a silent farewell. 

“Gladys”, you find yourself mumbling, not sure where the name had came from just now. Until you knew. 

“Excuse me?” Potter stared at you as if you’d just called him by that name. Well, maybe that was what he was thinking? 

“The woman. She had … I don’t know if she’s an accomplice or if she just spilled some information. But … Gladys Ravenstone. She’d been a friend. She knew I was living with Severus and she threatened me that I should get out of there or else I’d suffer. And the woman … before I passed out she said that Gladys had told her that she’d get her revenge on Severus if she came after me. Find Gladys.” 

With that you left him standing there, while you went back to your job. You felt more drained than ever before. But in a way it also felt good. Whatever had been done to you, know it was over. Now you just had to find a way to live with the repercussions. 


	36. Going south

When you came home on the afternoon of Boxing Day you still didn’t feel any better.  Proud of yourself on one hand, yes. But also drained, overwhelmed by your own feelings and so utterly confused about what knowing what happened to you meant for your life from now on.

You wished you could just make your way upstairs and hide in your bed for a few years. But you couldn’t do this to Severus, right? He would feel hurt if you distanced yourself from him, even just for a while. And you couldn’t think of any way how to explain him, without making him worried or worse – murderous.

The house was quiet, though Severus had actually decorated a little. There was no Christmas tree and no mistletoes, but some fairy lights all around the doorframes. But there was no Severus to be seen. Not in the living room, not in the kitchen. Only when you couldn’t find him in the lab, the library, the bathroom or your bedroom did you knock on his door. Ever since he was declared healthy again you hadn’t set a foot inside. As much as he might have hated his parents’ bedroom when he was a kid, he was now spending a lot of time in it, with you, and you never had a reason to go into his own room again.

But now you opened the door and looked inside. Severus was sitting there in the dark. You could tell he was in a dark mood. Should you go to him anyway? You were not sure and so you stood there, in the doorframe, watching him.

“It’s a bad sign if your own girlfriend is afraid of you, isn’t it?”, Severus murmured. He didn’t look up.

“I’m … “ You wanted to say that you were not afraid. But was it true? Did you fear him hurting you? Physically? No, you decided.  There was nothing indicating that he would ever do anything alike.  “I’m not afraid of you. I just don’t want to pressure you that much that you snap, either. You have a tendency to get a little nasty if you’re in a bad mood.” As if he didn’t know that. “But I don’t want to leave you alone either, unless you really wish to be alone?” And something inside of you longed for him to want to be alone. If only so that you could be alone with your own darkness for a while.

He shook his head and patted the mattress next to him, urging you to come sit with him.

You sat down next to him, but kept quiet. If he had anything to tell you, he would do so .

Instead he pulled out a piece of paper from the pocket of his robes and handed it to you.  It was a newspaper article.  One about the attack on you and how the trial had come to a halt .

„The woman who attacked you  might not be punished. They transfer her to St. Mungo’s“, Severus said grimly. „ As if she’d deserve such mercy.“

Should you tell him what had happened yesterday? „She’s already in the mental ward. I met Potter yesterday when he brought her over. They only want to make sure she’s not faking  it.“

Severus was looking at you now, his dark eyes unreadable. Then he pulled you closer, wrapping an arm around you and forcing you to lean your head on his chest – although it felt anything but forceful. „I wanted her to be gone for good. Not to set a foot into our lives ever again. This once I regret that dementors are no longer used by the  Ministry“ , he said.

„I don’t know … In a way I can understand her”, you found yourself saying, without even thinking about it first . While Severus looked at you in shock, you would have sworn that you were even more shocked by yourself. Still you noticed your mouth carrying on without your brain interfering:  “She lost her kid in the battle. If I ’ d loose you now…“

„You would not turn to torturing  innocent  people to make your pain bearable, I assume“, Severus interrupted you. „And I don’t see you taking revenge on the culprit  either.“

He was right, wasn’t he? You weren’t exactly the murdering kind of woman.  Still… „But I might want to. I wouldn’t do it, but I’d fantasize about it.  Hell, I risked the world by changing the timelines for a guy  who was nothing but a teacher – and a mean one at that, no offense.“

„None taken.“

„I might not have the guts to hurt somebody myself. But if I had screwed up, who knows how many lives I’d have ended? So, I … understand her in a way.  Well, a little.  Still being cut open was a crappy feeling.“ Shit, you hadn’t wanted to talk about that, hadn’t wanted him to know you remembered.

„So you have regained your memories, I  see.“  It sounded like a matter-of-factly comment, but you could feel Severus tense  next to you .

„I was there when she came in “, you admitted. Now it didn’t matter anymore if he knew. Except for the fact that you nearly  had a mental breakdown. He was never ever to know that. „I made her  physical check-up and then it all came back. Or maybe not all, I don’t know. But the pain and the cuts …“

„That’s it.“ Severus stood up and you lost balance and fell down on the mattress  sideways. „I am going to tutor you in  Defence.  I am not going to let you be that … that easy a target for people who want to come after me.  I will make you the best fighter you can be and …“ He clenched his fists, clearly lost for words while trying to fight down his anger, frustration, and maybe even fear.

You didn’t know how to feel about this new turn of events. Now that he was your boyfriend, he would not be too harsh on you when you made mistakes, would he? But he seemed to be genuinely afraid that you could get hurt again, which would probably mean that he’d be a fierce teacher. He’d be emotionally invested which could make this absolutely insufferable. Or fun, but could you really hope for him teaching you in a fun way? Probably not.

In the end, you had no choice, had you? He’d be angry if you denied – and you’d be hurting yourself, because being able to protect yourself could be useful, even if nobody would ever go after you again. It’d still be good to be able to handle drunk patients. Or to protect yourself against beasts that somehow lost their way and found themselves outside of their territory. Gaining new skills was never a bad thing, was it? 

“Alright. But can we please not start the lessons today? I’ve had 72 hours of work and I really wanna relax a little. After all I missed Christmas.”

Severus nodded, still seemingly having a hard time to keep himself calm. “I had intended to make our first Christmas something special, but I failed”, he said, but you stood up and shushed him with a finger on his lips , placing the other hand on his upper arm to keep him from evading you . You wouldn’t have any of this. Not today.

“Don’t you dare making this your mistake. It’s not your mistake I was on duty, it’s not your mistake that this woman hurt me or that she was transferred just when I was there. It is not your mistake that I’m tired and it’s not your mistake that you feel negative emotions when you hear that a person that wanted to hurt you is no longer in prison”, you said in your best strict voice. “I will not have you torture yourself for something you cannot control. Mainly because I’m way too exhausted to deal with this shit right now, but also because I love you and I hate it when you’re too harsh on yourself.”

“You said it again” , you felt his lips move against your finger. It tickled, even before his words registered. 

“What?”

“You said you love me. Again.”

You sighed  and let go of him to rub your forehead . You didn’t want it to slip out. Not once, but certainly not twice. But then  again  he didn’t seem frightened or annoyed.  Maybe it didn’t matter? Though he didn’t seem  happy either.

„ I guess so.  Is that … bad?“, you asked.

Severus shook his head. „Unexpected. “

Still you felt awkward and so did Severus, it seemed , even more with every second that  passed .  He was staring at his feet , not even daring to look at you anymore.

That was just too much for you. Too many things that you had to handle, too many things that made you feel feelings that were now fighting with each other. Right  now  the feeling of emptiness, of being small, helpless and definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time won.

„Right, I’ll … better leave you alone, then.  I‘ ll just get myself a snack and … off to bed. Let’s just forget this horrible day ever existed ”, you murmured and basically fled from his room.


	37. Midnight chocolates

You had screwed up, hadn’t you?  You didn’t exactly know how, but as you were lying in the dark all alone, it really felt as  if you had  just destroyed everything. Well, at least everything between Severus and you. And it hurt. Why did it hurt so much? He was just a man, nothing you couldn’t live with out.

You tried to blink back the tears that threatened to fall.  Crying would not solve anything.  Still you couldn’t help  it.  You curled up into a ball of misery.

It was way past midnight when  your door opened and something slipped inside.

„Lumos“,  you whispered, your voice  cracking from crying,  lighting up your  wand. Dark eyes and a pale face  looked back at you.

„I  heard  you  cry “, Severus said.  „I … .“ He  bit his lip. Since when did he do this?

„I’m sorry ”, you whispered.

„You … what? Why?  What for?“

Yeah, what were you sorry for? That actually was the question. What had you done to push him away?  You still didn’t know, so you just shrugged, mumbling: “Everything.”

Severus moved to  sit  down on your bed, but paused, and stepped back again. He just summoned a chair and sat down in some distance, too far away to even touch hands. “I doubt you have anything to apologize for.”

“I must have done something for all of this to go  wrong , don’t I?” Your voice was more challenging that you had intended to and Severus looked as if you had just struck him.

Still he kept quiet for a while and rubbed his forehead. Which made you silently panic, if you were honest. He made it look like he  was  the healer – and about to tell you that you only had a few weeks left to live. Or maybe he was about to tell you move out? Oh, that was it, right? He wanted you to leave.

“It’s alright, Sev. I’ll just pack my bags. No need to make a fuzz about it.”

Now he looked up. “You want to leave?”

“You want me to, don’t you?”

“Why would I?”

You sighed.  When you opened your mouth you couldn’t stop the exasperation to become audible: “How should I know?  I told you I love you and all you do is pull away and freeze up and … I … I can’t read minds, Severus. All I can do is guess and all the signals you send out at the moment, say that you don’t like to be in my company. Which is okay. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, first wanting to teach me how to fight and then becoming a hermit only minutes later, but … Who am I to judge?” Really, who were you? You didn’t even understand yourself. You still felt numb in a way, thanks to seeing your tormentor yesterday. And at the same time frightened and hurt by Severus and happy to see him and … None of this made sense. When did emotions ever make sense, anyway?

“I do not wish you to go. I just do not … know how to … You used such strong words. I don’t know how to react correctly. I have never been in such position before. I neither wish to hurt nor to loose you. Therefore I am at a loss.”

Your heart melted a little. “But you do hurt me when you pull away without me knowing what exactly I have done to scare you away. I … understand you don’t want to, but you do.” You sighed. “Do you wanna terminate … whatever that is between us?”

Severus shook his head. “No. No, I do not.”

“So you still want to be my boyfriend?”, you asked, your voice betraying a feeling of cautious hope.

“Of course.” He sounded sincere.

“Then … what exactly is the problem?”

“I don’t know if I am ready to ... say it. I never … not even to Lily. Not even about Lily.” 

That was all? He had made a mountain out of a molehill?  Not even a molehill. A small mosquito bite.  You wanted to tell him how stupid that was. Utterly, truly and absolutely stupid. Not that he didn’t want to tell you he loved you. But that he had acted like a little boy, hiding  his feelings  instead of just speaking about it. But that could hurt him, could it? And maybe he was a little boy when it came to that. He’d never been at the receiving end of love before, where could he have learned how to handle it? And would you have been able? Even with parents who loved each other, with positive role models, would you have reacted in a more mature way? 

“You don’t have to say it, you know? Not now and not ever. And I … know this is a huge step. I wasn’t ready for it either. It was not planned, after all. Just … talk to me when you feel like this. Don’t just crawl back in your bat cave and lick your wounds.”

Severus arched a brow. “You were the one to crawl away. Not that I didn’t give sufficient reason.”

And he was right. You had escaped back into your room to cry. To hide. Maybe to wallow in self-pity. You could have been an adult and ask him what was wrong  in the first place , but you didn’t. You both were idiots, then. “Right. Sorry then.” You felt awful. But he probably did, too. “Would you … if you’re okay with it, could you come over here? I’d like to be close to you.” 

Severus nodded. His chair disappeared and he crawled into your bed. “I even brought you something”, he said. He pulled a few chocolate bars from his pockets and you bit back a laugh. Right, you had managed to become a chocolate junkie in his eyes. But then again one could never have enough chocolate.  „I thought you may be hungry.“

Your stomach still hurt and you were not sure that  you could eat at all.  But it was a nice gesture. You pulled him closer and kissed him .  But when you wanted to  wrap yourself around him to hold him close, he backed away. Again. Just like he always did. But you were no longer injured , he did no longer have to worry about your fragile body.

„Can we talk about this as well“, you asked, a little nervous.  As much as you were exhausted, this couldn’t wait. Not when he had just distanced himself from you yet again.

„About what?“

„When we kiss  you always pull away so soon. Don’t you like kissing? Or … I don’t know. Does my breath stink?“

Severus barked out a laugh.  You had never really heard him laugh this spontaneously and it was a nice sound, but maybe not the nicest timing.  „No, I … this is important to me. I don’t want to rush anything. And if I were to deepen the kiss, I am unsure if I could prevent … rushing.“

„Oh.“ You blinked. Then smirked.  „Is that the reason why you don’t dare to look when I change clothes as well?“

He nodded, now blushing.

„That’s cute.  And way better than any reason I had come up with. Okay. But just for the record: Once you’re ready, I am ,  too.“

He kissed you, a little longer than ever before and then rested his forehead against yours. The moment grew longer. And his breath seemed to even.  Of course. He’d had a hard day, too. He was probably just as exhausted as you were, maybe even more so.

„Severus?“

„Hm?“

„You’re still wearing all your buttons. A ny chance to get rid of them before you fall asleep completely?“

But  he snores already. And maybe you thought that was too cute to be annoyed. You could  survive  waking up with buttons pressing into your flesh once more.


	38. Pillows and preparation

It still felt a little awkward between Severus and you. He treated you with kitten gloves  ever since that misunderstanding, but at least he made sure you never felt unwanted. Actually you never felt less but loved . Except for the moments he not only withstand your spells but also send you flying through  the  garden. He never forgot to summon pillows to make sure you didn’t even get a scratch, though.

„The heating spell is wearing off again. Redo it“, he almost ordered  when you just climbed out a huge mountain of pillows once again. 

„You know you could do it yourself?“

„Oh, I could. But you were the one saying we should prevent catching a cold outside. And I am your teacher. “

You sighed. But in a way he was right. During your lessons you were his student and not his girlfriend.  Not that he didn’t hold back when attacking you. But you assumed that was necessary because as far as you could tell, he was a master of  duelling  as well. Was there anything he wasn’t good at?

You renewed the warming spell that made sure you both wouldn’t catch a cold, no matter how much you were sweating from the effort of duelling.  Immediately the air around you grew warmer, almost as if it were a mild summer day.

„You really should work on your protection spells“, Severus commented now. He had only used  a small Flipendo on you, nothing remotely dark and still you had found yourself in flight.

„ You said I wasn’t allowed to say a word. I didn’t want to cheat. And my silent Protego is already that good that you couldn’t hit me with a pillow when you threw one“, you reminded him.

„Then let’s hope that all your attackers in the future remember that you are only available for pillow fights“, he said, his snark coming  out.

“Yes, well, that would be applaudable manners”, you nodded eagerly, before raising your wand again. He was right. You had to get better at nonverbal spells. They’d just come handy. Even if you just got a cold and couldn’t speak without coughing, you would have to rely on them – or stop using magic for a while until you felt better. 

At least this hadn’t been his fault. Nonverbal spells were taught during sixth year and that was the year Professor Umbridge had been your Defence teacher. She hadn’t taught anything, if you were honest. Well, yes, she did. She had taught you to keep your head down and to swallow painkillers before you went to detention. There was still a small scar on your hand from that time. Your eyes fell down on the fine lines. Huh. You had never noticed before. You had gotten detention for being found snogging the same boy Severus once had found you with back then, too. Maybe he had even protected you from pain worse than a teenage heartbreak?

Severus noticed where your eyes rested. He came over to you and just took your hand, squeezing it lightly. There were no words necessary between the both of you. It didn’t matter if he knew your thoughts or if he just had the urge to be close to you for a moment. Or if this even was a nicer, softer way to get you back to the present. All that mattered was that he cared and was close.

“Are you ready for another round?”, he asked, his voice soft and void of the teasing that usually filled it during your lessons – at least whenever he wasn’t annoyed or impatient, that is.

You nodded and took position, waiting for him to get back to his place on the other side of the garden. You only thought your Stupor and with a grin watched it cross the garden to Severus. Of course his silent Protego was protecting him from actually being stunned, but he blinked at you in surprise none the less. It had been the first time you had actually managed a curse that powerful without even muttering it under your breath.

Only seconds later a light flew to you at alarming speed. But what was that? You had managed to stop it. You only had been screaming Protego in your head, but this time it had actually worked.

Satisfied Severus nodded. “You are enhancing your skills at a more than satisfactory speed”, he said. To you it seemed his choice of words got more stick-in-the-ass-ish whenever he taught you, but then again you had to admit you liked it. And at least you had persuaded him to skip a few dramatic pauses per sentence on an every day basis.

“Shall we call it a day then? I would like to refresh myself before facing eternal doom.”

You laughed. Now that you both seemed to be out of any immediate danger, and Severus left the house every now and then, you had asked him if he’d like to  go to your parents‘  New Years Christmas combination party – not the official term.

Of course he hadn’t  been enthusiastic at all when he agreed, but  agreed he had.

„Oh, come on, my parents aren’t that bad“, you laughed.

„Once  we inform them of our current relationship status,  I expect to be throttled. “

„Now you’re being melodramatic at best“, you  stated and nodded towards the front door. „Inside with us, then. I’d like to dress up a little, too.“  You couldn’t read Severus mimics at that.  Was he looking forward to seeing you in fancy clothes? Annoyed that you thought it were necessary? Dreading the whole thing?  Maybe all of it. At least he could still wear his usual clothes, so  he had an advantage tonight. He always looked ready to go to the first night of an opera or a dinner with royalty.  You on the other hand wore lime-green healer‘s robes most of the time, so you  couldn’t wear your ordinary clothes to a family party.

You went into your bedroom to  grab underwear and bathrobe , then made your way to the bathroom, only to find it locked.  Water was already running. Oh, he had got to be kidding you.

With a simple Alohomora you opene d  t he lock and went inside, where Severus was trying to hide behind the curtain of the tub.

„Nope. Not having this today, love. Have you any idea how long it takes to make a fancy hair-do?  You wouldn’t let me shower first, so now you have to live with me showering with you.“ You paused , grimacing. You sounded like a predator and that was not good.  You didn’t want to pressure Severus into anything that might even hurt your relationship.  „Unless you really really feel awkward and  harassed if I come in, that is.“

You heard a sigh behind the curtain and could  have sworn you felt how he rolled his eyes. „Come in, then. But  then you have to help me soap that area between the shoulder blades that’s so hard to reach.“

That you could live with and so you undressed and climbed into the tub. It was the first time you actually allowed yourself to look, really look.  He was still thinner than you imagined he had been during your time as  student, but the gymnastics you had forced on him had provided him with lean muscles.

„You are truly and utterly beautiful“, you smiled,  standing on your toes to kiss his cheek. You almost slipped in the wet tub, but  Severus caught you with an arm around your waist. His head was almost as red as a ripe strawberry. Still not the best colour for him, but this time you liked it.

„So are you“, he merely replied, pulling you even closer.


	39. New Year

When you came out of the bathroom almost an hour later, you couldn’t stop smiling. „For the record, this had not been my intention. I only wanted to take a shower. But I’m not complaining either.“ 

Severus blushed deeply and nodded, stealing a quick kiss before he went into his bedroom to dress. 

You did the same, browsing your cupboard for something spectacular to wear. Then you persuaded your hair into an up-do that would fit a fairytale princess. 

When you came out, Severus was already waiting for you at the stairs. He had put his hair in a ponytail and actually wore a different frock than usual. It had less buttons – damn, why didn’t he wear this back when you had to help him dress? -, but the few seemed to be made of real silver. 

„Huh. Excuse me, Sir, I’m waiting for Severus, have you seen him?“, you teased him, kissing him softly. 

„I hadn’t expected to see a Veela either“, he replied drily. 

You blushed. While you knew it was just a compliment as you didn’t exactly had skin as white and shining as moonlight, you liked the thought that you could mesmerize him. 

„Ready to go?“ 

Severus snorted. „Would it help if I said no?“ 

„Nope.“ 

„Would it help if I asked you to take a shower with me again?“ He actually winked. 

„38 years without it and just now you can’t get enough? Huh. Sounds fishy and as if you just wouldn’t want to go to my parents‘ party.“ You acted as if you didn’t know that he was just joking. 

„Almost 39.“ 

„Oh?“ That was news to you. But you had never even asked. He probably didn’t know your birthday either, not that it mattered to you. 

„January 9th“, he said. Well that really was soon. You had to find a gift, and Severus was not exactly a man with a long wishlist. 

„Interesting. But not interesting enough to make me forget that we should go.“ 

He sighed and nodded, taking your arm. You apparated into your parents' garden shack, to make sure nobody non-magical would see you arrive. This time Severus was the one retching. „I forgot how it felt to only be a passenger.“ 

You led him into the house, got him a glass of water and hoped he’d soon be able to stomach the rich and heavy food your parents served. 

„So, you really brought a guest.“ Your father had noticed you and shook Severusʼ hand. „I hadn’t expected you’d really come.“ 

„Your daughter can be persuasive, sir“, Severus said with a sideways glance to you. He took your hand and grinned when your father gasped. 

You just nodded and went to the living room, still holding Severusʼ hand. This way there was no need for any declarations or explanations. They all just knew. Your mother, aunts, uncles, your weird neighbor that had no family and therefore was included in most family events. He was also the reason you couldn’t speak about magic on that day, since he was a muggle. 

But even he could see that Severus was yours and you were his.  

„Your father asked me if we’re using contraceptives and your mother wanted to know if I plan to make an honest girl out of you. I didn’t even know you were dishonest.“ 

You had gone outside to breathe for a moment and hadn’t even noticed that Severus had followed you. He wrapped his arms around you from behind and sighed. „Still I have to admit that this is … quite enjoyable. Your family seems to love and respect each other. Nobody is drunk-„ 

„Yet“, you interrupted. 

Severus ignored you. „Nobody is hitting any other. Nobody is throwing the other out, to sleep on the streets because they have nowhere to go.“ 

Had his life really been that bad? „And nobody will. You’re one of us now and we love you.“ 

„You love me. But your parents?“ 

„You promised my mother a potion to make her potted plants grow better. She probably already loves you more than me and she really really loves me.“ Of course you were exaggerating, but Severus had at least found the first stepstone on the path into your mother’s heart, that much you were sure of. 

„And what about your father?“, he asked. 

„Just keep making me happy and he will love you forever.“ 

Severus didn’t make a comment and you couldn’t see his face, so you didn’t know how he reacted to your words. Making somebody happy was easier said than done, you knew. But at the moment you couldn’t imagine a single reason why your parents would dislike Severus. Especially after he took such good care of you when you were incapacitated. 

„Shall we go back in? After all it is almost midnight.“ 

You wanted to say that somewhere on the world it was always midnight – at least every sixty minutes. That you would come back out in a few minutes anyway to see the fireworks, but he was right. After all it was tradition and you bet your parents had already switched on the television. 

So you turned around and took Severusʼ hand again, leading him back inside. 

Drinks were handed out. Orange juice for the children – some of them still a little terrified, because they had already studied at Hogwarts for a year or two or knew Severus‘ face from the Daily Prophet -, champagne for most adults. 

„Ten … Nine …“, the voice of the television host counted and you joined in. 

And then midnight came and you were cheering and clinking glasses and the kids were already rushing outside to see the colourful spectacle in the sky. 

„You know, some families have this tradition to kiss the closest person nearby at midnight on New Year’s“, your dad said, inching closer to Severus, as if aiming to kiss him, but then making a turn to kiss you on your forehead. You, on the other hand replied by kissing his cheek, while your dad tried to point at Severus by excessively rolling his eyes in the direction of your boyfriend. You assumed it was his way of saying that this was okay for him. Probably for all of them, as some lightly kissed their partners as well. 

You laughed. „Sure, dad. But you might not want that. It’s still so new and I can’t promise we’re able to stop once we start…“ You winked at him. 

Severus next to you blushed deeply, but captured your lips for a short kiss. „Personally I am well behaved and in control of myself, thank you very much.“ 

Now all burst out laughing. Severus had definitely broken the ice by not taking any of your bullshit and you loved him for it even more. 

The adults were slowly making their way outside as well, but Severus was holding you back with a hand on your wrist. „I have not yet given you what I intended to make a Christmas present. May I do so now?“ 

„You know I don’t need anything? That I consider you being here, being mine the best present I ever got?“ 

„Still…“ He pulled out a parcel from his pockets. Now you knew why he had to wait for your muggle neighbour to leave the room. His pockets were clearly enchanted if they fit something that large. 

You opened it and looked at the book you now hold in hands. ‚The Darkness and the Light‘, it said. ‚The memoires of Severus Snape.‘ 

„Open it.“ 

Inside there was an inscription. ‚For the two women who saved my life. One by making me see that I do not want to be the worst person I can be, the other by showing me that even I can be loved and helping me become the best person I can be.‘ 

„It’s not officially published yet. But I … You should be the first to have it. To know my complete story and-“ 

Your lips on his cut off whatever he wanted to say. 

“Want to go home?”, he asked when you broke the kiss to come up for air. 

You shook your head laughing. “Patience. There’s still a firework to enjoy. But we’ll leave soon, I promise. I mean, there’s a book I wanna read.” 

“I was hoping for another activity to spend the rest of the night …" 

Grinning you left the house to join your family, but not without winking at Severus first.


	40. Patronus

“Today we will learn the Patronus Charm”, Severus began your lesson.

The sun was shining on your skin, warming you in a way no warming spell could. The first flowers were already in blossom and the potion ingredients were growing to be a fine harvest this year.

“Have you ever tried to cast a Patronus?”

You shook your head. “I heard Potter taught it during my sixth year. But nobody asked me if I wanted to join and when I heard of it, Umbridge had already closed the club for good.”

“Ah, yes, Potter’s little … army as he called it. I heard that many of the members were able to cast a corporal Patronus, which is … astonishing, I have to admit. The Patronus is a very difficult spell that most witches and wizards never learn to use. Even a noncorporal Patronus speaks of a huge talent for magic.”

Right. Most people couldn’t do it and he wanted you to learn how to cast the spell. Either he really did believe in you or he was as mad as a hatter. Maybe both. “And you expect me to be able to do it?”

Severus sighed. “I merely hope you are. While I don’t expect you will ever come close to a lethifold or a dementor, it is best to be prepared. Especially now that the Ministry banned all dementors from public duty, meaning they have no reason not to roam the country for prey.”

Oh, great. So you could be attacked by one every second now. Hopefully Shacklebolt was working on a way to control these blasted creatures.

“But I hope you learn it for a second reason. They can be used to send messages. When you were attacked and Potter had found you, his stag appeared in my lab within minutes. No owl could travel that fast. So if you ever find yourself in need of communicating with me and others quickly and unable to apparate to the person you need to talk to, you could send your Patronus.”

“If I learn how to cast one.”

“Indeed.”

Right, no pressure.  „What do I have to do?“

„Focus on a happy memory, the happier the more powerful it is.“

One would think that’s an easy task, but you wondered, which of the memories qualified. Your first magical moment? When you got your Hogwarts letter?  Graduation? The letter telling you you’ve been accepted as a healer trainee?  Was seeing Severus alive after your little time traveling stunt a happy memory?  Probably not, it was rather filled with panic,  if you were honest.

„Then-“

„Still thinking, wait a minute.“

Maybe kissing Severus then? Or the first time you … no.  That was a happy memory, sure, but by now it was not that special anymore. Huh. „I think I have one.“

„Focus on it, try to dive into that moment and picture yourself there once again.  Draw small circles with your wand and when you’re ready, the incantation is Expecto Patronum.“

Your hand drew circles with the tip of  your wand and concentrated on your memory. Somehow you felt calmer now than just minutes  ago. „Expecto Patronum.“

You hadn‘t noticed that you  had closed your eyes until you opened them now to see what was happening. Grayish  smoke broke out of your wand, somehow shining with an inner light.  It didn’t form anything though.

„For a first time this is better than I had anticipated“, Severus commented. „Might I ask which memory you are using?“

„New  Year’s.  You, me, my family and the fireworks.  You were part of us, you are part of us. It felt as if I’ve arrived. In life.  I was at peace with myself and the world .“

Severus nodded. „ A good choice. “ Nothing more. No word if the moment had meant anything to him. But he also didn’t reject the thought that he belonged  to your family, so you assumed you didn’t actually need any more words from him.  You got used to him being less than vocal about his own thoughts and emotions and that was fine. It still gave him the aura of mysteriousness  he had when he was your teacher, and you liked it.

„Can you do it? I mean, you’re able to conjure a corporal Patronus, right?“

He nodded.

„Can you show me?“

But when he spoke the incantation, Severus was staring down at the  shining blob of dust or smoke that came out of the tip of his wand. „That is not what was supposed to happen.“

„Maybe a side effect of the snake bites? You could still be weakened and we didn’t even know?“, you tried to help him with far guesses  far from educated. They were all you had, since he was the expert, not you.

„ No.  I could conjure it afterwards. That is how I managed to ask Kingsley to protect the house before we came here.  It was also how I  informed Potter that it was safe to come and my spells wouldn’t tear him to pieces.“

So something must have happened in the last few months? Or could it be that Severus was just unfocused? No, not him. He was the  textbook description of self-control.  „Could your memory have lost its relevance? Maybe it’s not strong enough anymore.“

„Impossible“, Severus almost spat out.  Then he frowned. „It can’t be.  Can it?“

You shrugged. „Just trying to  help. I  don’t know anything about the spell and how it works.“ And you didn’t know the memory he used,  what it meant to him.

„Expecto Patronum“,  he said again and  this time  a bat slipped out of the tip of his wand, lazily stretching its wings . Severus rolled his eyes. „Very funny.“

„What is it?“

„A  Patronus  is said to reflect your  true self that you keep hidden.  Mine used to be a doe.  Same as … Lily’s.“

You smiled lightly . Maybe it meant that he was ready to move on or had already done so. He was no longer  being eaten alive by guilt and pain.  To you that was a good thing. „Well, now it reflects that you are an overgrown bat . I think that’s a good thing.“

He glared at you but you could tell  he wasn’t angry for real.  „And you were right. I had to pick a new memory.  Curious.“

You shook your head. „No. Healthy. Severus,  your world no longer revolves around her. You’re now free to be yourself, for better or for worse. “

He looked at you, his eyes full of wonder. As if he couldn’t believe he had actually reached this point in life. In a way you hoped he wouldn’t give you all the credit for it, because while you might have saved his life, he had been the one doing all the hard work. He had chosen to work hard and risk his life to bring Voldemort down. He had chosen to let go of his love – and obsession – for Lily, of his guilt and pain. In no way was this your doing. You were just there to hold his hand while he mustered the bravery to jump headfirst into a life full of the unknown. And it took a lot of work for you to remember that he was far from being a hero. That he was a human being with flaws and a lot of bad decisions in his past. A murderer, as much as he despised himself for what he did. A broken man. But at least he was healing, slowly, but hopefully irrevocably.

“I … think …”, he started, again staring down at the bat, that now hung from his arm. You wondered if a Patronus had a personality of his own and what it meant, that this one seemed to be trying to tease and annoy Severus. You already liked it. “Y/N, I love you.”

Hold on, what? You looked at him, forgetting the cheeky bat for a moment.

“When I want to conjure my Patronus, I now need to think of us. It gives me strength. As much as I fear this might taint her memory, I no  longer  seem to grant her the prioritized position in my mind and heart. I find strength not in the knowledge that I owe her and that she would think even less of me if I give up. I find strength in the knowledge that there is still a life to explore and that I wish to do it with you.”

Of course you could think of confessions that were better. Less stuffy, shorter. But this was Severus, trying to speak his mind, trying to actually open up to you a little about what he still kept inside him. To you this was perfection.

„ The lesson is not over yet“, Severus‘ voice interrupted your thoughts. 

You groaned.  And so did the bat, though without making any noise. Severus shook his arm and his Patronus faded into smoke and then disappeared. „ You only  tried once yet.  Let’s see if you might be able to …  summon your own annoying creature.“

You smirked.  You would take any bet that Severus actually liked his new Patronus  and not just for what the change stood for. He  liked when you were cheeky, right? So he probably liked his cheeky bat as well.

„Go on, you know what to do.“

You thought  back to the moment  a few minutes ago, remembered Severus‘ words and  tried to let them fill you. Slowly you drew circles with your wand and  spoke the spell, but nothing happened, not even the smoke from earlier.

But you smiled.  Because you knew as long as it took Severus to say the words, you had felt and known it all along.  And  on the other hand you were … proud  of not gaining more strength out of the love of a man than of the feeling of belonging to a greater family.  You were not that type of girl who just lived for a man. You saw the bigger picture. Well, maybe you didn’t see any bigger picture. But at least it wasn’t just Severus that gave your spell strength. His love wasn’t your power source, not all alone.

Before Severus could even comment, you grinned. “Sorry, had to try something. Okay, … one more time.” This time you concentrated on New Year’s again and how the fireworks illuminated your family in the dark. How the children stood there, mouth open, and stared into the night sky that was full of colours. How Severus had taken you hand, while your mother had wrapped an arm around your waist.

“Expecto Patronum!” This time a shape came out of the tip of your wand. It took a moment to form, then you could make out that it was a (your patronus). It turned to you and stared you in the eye, before starting to circle you.

“Right, no respect, these Patronusses today. Or Patroni?”, you moaned when your head began to swim, because you were turning around and around to follow your Patronus.

Severus shrugged and watched the spectacle with crossed arms and a satisfied grin. “It turns out, I am not the only one to produce an animal that … could use a little discipline.”

“If the Patronus is to reflect our true selfs, what does that say about us?”

“About me? Nothing. I am a very disciplined man, obviously. You on the other hand … “

You lightly shoved him, which broke your concentration and forced your Patronus to dissipate. “But I did it. I have a corporal Patronus. I can call for help if needed. Or … I could send you naughty messages when you’re in a briefing with Mungo’s, discussing how many potions they need.” You grinned diabolically.

“And thus my point has been proven.”


	41. Exam

The sun was trying to burn you alive, shining down on you without the smallest cloud anywhere to be seen. On ordinary days you might have liked it, depending on your current state of mind and what tasks awaited you. But today this was a form of torture.

“Your final exam. Are you ready?” Severus straightened out your healer robes, since your hands were shaking to heavily for you to do it yourself.

“What happens if I say no?” It was worth a try, wasn’t it?

“In that case I will tell Bloomsbury who then delays your finals until next year, which means another year of shifts whenever they need you, an apprentice’s income and being bossed around by pretty much every other healer – and me.” By now he was no longer a freelance potion brewer. They had noticed how good he was and how he changed the recipes to produce even better potions and had asked him to become their head of potion research. Now he not only had to teach aspiring healers and wannabe brewers how to enhance the potions needed in St. Mungo’s, he also had a team and resources to find new enhancements, or find cures to medical and other illnesses not yet curable.

He earned more than he ever did in Hogwarts, he said, though you didn’t know for sure. You never really talked about money, not like this. But as he was allowed to hold the patents to his inventions and the recipes were shared with magical hospitals all over the world, you assumed that he was at least far from living in poverty.

“Well, I don’t need the money. My boyfriend is rich”, you said with a shrug. He knew you were just teasing. You still didn’t let him pay for anything – except for chocolate. If he did the grocery shopping one week, you made sure to do it and pay for it the next week. You didn’t want to be that kind of woman, not right now. Maybe one day, if Severus wanted children. If you wanted any.

“Maybe. But said boyfriend is willing and allowed to assign his girlfriend to cleaning the cauldrons as long as she is still just an apprentice.” 

Alright, that was enough motivation. You eyed the building in front of you and took a deep breath. “Right. Then off into battle.”

Severus gave you a kiss on the cheek and then softly shoved you forward, urging you to step inside where the heat was repelled by a cooling spell. You followed the signs saying ‘healer exams here’ and listened to your feet clicking on the marble floor, the only sound to be heard around here. It gave the building an eerie atmosphere, but maybe that was just you being nervous.

You waited in front of the door until you were called inside. In a room that was usually used for meetings, or at least you assumed so, given its size, they had put up three makeshift hospital beds in which patients were lying. Two of them held cards with their symptoms written down for them as they were only faking it, but one actually was a real patient with a long-time injury. Thankfully you knew her well and had treated her a lot in the last two years.

“Liz, you’re here. Now that is a surprise”, you greeted her. “Shall I take your patient’s history or should I just treat you already?”

Liz grinned. “Just show me that you can do it better than the last amateur. Almost took my leg of, that girl.”

You turned around to the three people who would judge you today. “Alizara McIntyre, age 35, chronic leg wound caused by an exploring potion twelve years back – or is it thirteen, already?”

Liz shook her head.

“I’m afraid I have a little advantage here as Liz was one of my first patients. I know I have to administer a potion against the swelling, then disinfect the wound, use salve and an antibiotic potion on it and then bandage it. Depending on the amount of pain she also needs a painkiller potion, but with a change in her diet we have already tuned that down so she needs way less painkillers than two years back.” You turned back to Liz. “Did you eat any wheat products lately?”

She shook her head. “Nope. You told me not to, didn’t you?”

It hadn’t been your idea, exactly, but you let that point stand.

“Find the medications necessary and start treating her then, Miss L/N”, the head of judges, a stern looking older lady with grey hair and a hooked nosed told you. You had never seen her before, but her accent sounded a little French, so maybe she had been asked over so that your own bosses wouldn’t judge you based on any biases formed during the last years? Good idea, you had to admit, since Bloomsbury would make it easier for you nowadays – if only because he was dead scared of Severus.

You looked to the  table the French lady pointed towards and began finding your material , treating Liz like usual.

The other two patients were  easy, too. A simple case of dragon pox and  indigestion – heavy, because  it was caused by a falsely administered potion, but that was a common disease .

And that was it. You blinked in surprise when you had diagnosed the last patient and  described the procedure in detail  and there was nothing left to do.

The three  people judging your performance whispered to each other before the French lady turned to you. „Congratulations. According to my information you passed all the other exams, therefore I  can assure you that as of tomorrow you are a certified healer. “

You wanted to ask why that had to wait until tomorrow, until you remembered  that you had a shift tomorrow. They’d probably give you the certificate then,  since you had to come in to work anyway.

You shook hands with all three and made your way outside. Now the empty corridors seemed  peaceful like an oasis of silence. For a moment you allowed yourself to stand here, in the light that was shining through the high windows . You were just breathing,  enjoying the feeling of how the air filled your lungs. You had done it.

When you stepped out, not only Severus was there, but your family and friends as well. „What’s this?“, you asked.

Sheila took your hands. „We all knew you’d make it. Hold on, you did make it, right?“

You nodded.

„See. And so  we decided we have to celebrate.  We … might have hijacked your house  and … well, come and look.“

You all apparated to Spinner ‘s End and you found the house decorated in bazillions of colours. Your father stood in the garden, turning the sausage s  on the  barbecue grill. There was even music playing .  You were pretty sure that this house had never seen anything like this. Was that a chocolate fountain?

You grinned happily.  This was just what you had needed. An evening with all your loved ones after weeks of obsessive studying and work.

When the stars came out and your friends went home, you found yourself  sitting on the grass of Severus‘ backyard, leaned against his side. You were tired, but happy.

„So, you have done it“, he stated.

„Yup.“

„ What will we do now?“

You frowned. „Huh? Why d‘you ask?“

„ You have reached the goal you aimed to reach. Where will you go from here?“

You shrugged and  rested your head on his shoulder. „I’ll live.  It’s nice to have reached something. But that’s not an end, you know? This is a beginning. Now I can explore what life  has waiting for me, without having to plan or meet expectations.  And I’m looking forward to it.“

Severus nodded and took your hand. „We’re in the same boat, then. To the unknown future.“

„To the unknown future.“ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, folks. We're at the end. Both probably still should visit a shrink, but they came through the hardship life held for them and grew stronger together. 
> 
> (In my head, Sev gets himself a post bat, that plays around with his patronus every now and then, but what the future really holds for those two is up to them.)
> 
> Thanks for reading and well, I think this will be my only novel-length Snape/Reader, as it's pretty hard to come up with new ideas that don't feel like a simple repetition. But ... well, to the unknown future!


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